Sharon Kennedy: I’m gonna get me an assault rifle
I’ve decided to join the ever-increasing number of folks who own assault rifles. According to various reports, the AR-15 and the AK-47 are not classified as “real” assault weapons so I suppose I’ll have to look for a more efficient killing instrument.
Now calm down, folks and relax. I have no intention of using my purchase on people, but on the porcupines that continue to destroy my porch steps, plywood in my garage, pallets in the lean-to behind the garage, the floor in my wellhouse and the wooden frame around my front door.
I’ve had enough. For the past three weeks I’ve been awakened every night between midnight and 3 a.m. by porcupines gnawing something in my garage or around my home. This is nothing new. For years I’ve written about my battle with these rodents. I’ve tried every remedy recommended, but nothing has been effective. I was so disgusted, I sold all my live traps four years ago. I had given up and decided to let the porcupines chew until they had devoured anything and everything that caught their fancy.
It’s impossible to sight my heavy shotgun on a pitch black night. An assault weapon would solve that problem. All I’d have to do is point it in the general direction of the rodent and presto, no more gnawing and disrupting my sleep. Sure, I might blow holes in and destroy my front door, the lawn mowers in my garage and a wringer washing machine in the wellhouse, but that’s a small price to pay for peace.
A “true” assault weapon, unavailable to the boys who fought in Viet Nam and the many wars prior to that one, is the only answer I can think of to solve the rodent problem. I don’t know when the next gun show is coming to Sault Ste. Marie, but I’ll be sure to attend. It won’t be my first. In the early 1970s, I accompanied my then-husband to such a show in Detroit. Chuck was a devotee of George Wallace. I never thought I’d attend another gun show, but I’ve reached the end of my rope. At this point, I’m leery about stepping outside after midnight because I can’t see. The porcupines have invaded and are taking over my land. They must be reduced to an unrecognizable mass of flesh.
Because I’m not an 18-year-old from Texas or New York, it could be difficult to buy what I need. With one look, the seller might peg me as an angry, senile old woman and a threat to society. I’m not in the same league as savvy teenagers, so the obvious questions would be why I wanted such a weapon and 375 rounds of ammo. Am I prepared to tell the seller to mind his own business, take my cash and hand over my rifle and ammunition?
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I hope you realize I’m not serious. I have no intention of ordering a semi-automatic weapon from a website or buying one at a gun show. Although I hate the rodents that nightly plague me and destroy my property, I’m not crazy enough to shoot them with anything more lethal than my .410 gauge shotgun.
I’m writing this to say there is no logical reason for allowing anyone, other than the military, to purchase weapons of mass destruction. I hope skeet shooters and hunters who enjoy the taste of venison, bear or squirrel will agree.
— To contact Sharon Kennedy, send her an email at authorsharonkennedy.com. Kennedy's latest book, “The SideRoad Kids: Tales from Chippewa County,” is available from her, Amazon, or Audible.
This article originally appeared on The Sault News: Sharon Kennedy: I’m gonna get me an assault rifle
