She's 66 and in the dating wars. Here's what it's like
I asked Mary Hardy what it’s like to be doing online dating as a woman of 66.
“Oh gosh,” she said, “frustrating, time-consuming. Basically, a full-time job if you really want to find somebody. But usually a big waste of time.”
Mary had messaged me on Facebook saying she’s a grandma who’s been in the dating wars for a while. Some might hesitate to talk to a newspaper about that, but Mary comes off as quite a kick – direct and unapologetic – so I called to get the scoop.
She lives in Smithfield and told me she’s got a great family – two kids and five grandchildren. She doesn’t need some guy. But having been divorced a second time four years ago, she feels it might be nice to find someone.
So far, no good.
One problem is men with not exactly current dating app pictures – sometimes decades old. Another is questionable background claims.
“If you’re really a handsome doctor,” Mary said, “what the heck are you doing on this site? It’s B.S. I worked in the medical field for 15 years, and believe me, they don’t need a dating site; women are falling all over them.”
Mary, whose medical career ranged from the X-ray department to emergency room assistant, retired at 62.
I asked which sites she’s been on.
“Bumble. Zoosk. Silver Seniors. Currently, I’m on Facebook Dating.”
How’s that going?
“I’m pretty much breaking my wrist swiping left.”
That, she explained, means you’re not interested. If you are, you swipe right.
She doesn’t do that often, but when she does, she usually finds one of two types. Either guys come on too strong or they circle forever.
“I’m like, ‘Dude, I’m not doing this for a pen pal,’” says Mary.
But she’ll only start with coffee, or another casual meet-up. Except even after just that, many men make rather forward suggestions.
“They start with, ‘I can’t believe you’re single,’ lalalala, and then they want to get intimate, saying ‘We’re not in high school anymore’.”
Mary tells them no thank you and to please finish their coffee.
I asked how often she is disappointed when she first sees them in person.
It got a laugh.
“Almost every time.”
Last Saturday, for example, she met a gentleman at a park.
“He didn’t have sleeves on his shirt; mistake number one,” Mary said. “And he shows up with a cooler of beers and cracks one right away; mistake number two. You’re not even trying, dude.”
She told me that after too many such encounters, she starts thinking about – I’ll use her words: “Jumping the fence.” Meaning: “Maybe I’ll find a woman. I got to say the women I see as couples seem so damn happy.”
She added with a laugh that it wouldn’t work for her. “I like men too much. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.”
Another challenge of dating at her age, she said, is men in their 60s and 70s aren’t always in the best shape.
“Some don’t even have a neck,” said Mary. “Their double chin goes down to their chest bone.”
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She added: “Now, I’m not all that and a bag of chips either, but I know what lane I’m in. I’m not in the high-speed lane. But some of these dudes are in the breakdown lane.”
Her older sister Loree was the one who pushed her to try the online thing. Either stop complaining about not connecting with men, Loree said, or do it.
Mary did. But then:
“I started sending her screenshots of some of the guys, and she said, ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry I told you to do that.”
Some photos are attractive enough, but then the guy shows up and it’s a different story. “If you don’t look like your picture,” said Mary, “you’re going to buy me drinks until you do.”
I asked her to check her dating app for the latest incoming. What kind of guys were recently liking her profile?
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She took a moment to check.
“Aye yi yi,” Mary said, “this guy’s 83, this Tony’s 80. This one has a fish. I don’t know why he has a fish.”
From time to time, she told me, guys pose shirtless.
“Dude,” said Mary, “I don’t want to see that until I want to see it.”
I asked how she keeps such a good sense of humor about it all.
“I have lots of friends. I play the piano. Great kids and grandkids. My life’s full of love.”
But as Mary puts it, she’s counting her days on this earth, so she wouldn’t mind finding someone.
Her message for those in the 2023 dating wars, including herself:
Don’t give up.
But prepare to almost break your wrist swiping left.
While you hope for a swipe-right, and a gentleman who might even look like his picture.
mpatinki@providencejournal.com
This article originally appeared on The Providence Journal: Patinkin: Online dating for seniors in RI is a difficult exercise
