Is Taking a Break From Your Relationship Healthy? Experts Explain Everything to Know
You love your partner—but you also feel like you could use some space to work on yourself or clear up a bout of relationship anxiety. If this sounds like you, you might be curious about taking a break in a relationship and what it could mean for your relationship.
“When a couple is having issues, a break can provide evidence of what’s the best decision in terms of the relationship,” says Anita Chlipala, a Chicago-based licensed marriage and family therapist (L.M.F.T.). “It doesn’t mean there’s an official breakup, just that the couple is pausing the relationship for a certain period of time.”
And while taking a break in a relationship might not be right for everybody, if you’re feeling like you need a bit of space—it’s worth considering. After all, a break doesn’t have to mean catastrophe—it can provide some necessary time and space to evaluate the partnership.
Ahead, learn more about what taking a break truly means, plus expert-backed tips for pressing the pause button on your relationship.
Does taking a break in a relationship work?
While taking a break might seem like a negative thing, it doesn’t have to be. Ultimately, if you’re considering taking a break over breaking up for good, it means you’re still looking for a way to move forward with your relationship.
And while there’s no cookie-cutter way to take a pause, doing so can actually be extremely healthy for both the individual and the partnership. “When you’re in a relationship, it may be difficult to see things objectively,” says Chlipala. “Giving yourself some space can let you see your relationship from a different perspective.”
Whether or not a break will “work” for your relationship depends on what you define as success. If you define success after a break as getting back together, know that may not be the case. However, it should help you see things more clearly and get your emotions in order.
Is taking a break in a relationship healthy?
A break in a relationship can be healthy if both partners have the right motivations for the change and use it as an opportunity for growth. If the break is intended as a temporary pause to provide clarity, reduce volatility, and aid in emotional regulation, then it can certainly be very healthy and beneficial, explains Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D., licensed professional psychologist, certified Master Gottman Therapist, and founder of The Center for Relationships.
However, a break may be unhealthy (as opposed to, say, a break up) when “used as a punitive measure, an escape, an avoidance, or deflection from issues that need to be worked on (with no intention to work on it), or to engage in secretive, deceptive behavior,” Meunier explains. “In these cases the break is benefitting one person at the expense of the other partner’s well-being, comfort, or financial stability.”
So, what does “taking a break” mean?
A break is like putting a bookmark in the relationship, so you can temporarily take a step back and reassess what the partnership means to both of you.
“What differentiates a relationship break from a true breakup is that you usually have intentions of getting back together. It’s a way to hit pause and then come back together after gaining clarity, or taking time for personal improvements and self-growth,” says Samantha Burns, L.M.H.C., couples therapist, breakup coach, and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back. “Some couples take breaks if they aren’t in a mental or physical place to prioritize the relationship, whether because of obligations such as travel, work or educational commitments, or taking care of a sick parent.”
Depending on the couple, a break may mean a physical separation, limited communication, or a change to the “rules” around the relationship. The key is that it’s a break from the day-to-day routine and life you have as a couple.
When to take a break
Taking some space can be beneficial when something jarring happens in a relationship, such as an infidelity or a sudden career change. It lets you hit the pause button and analyze the event so that you’re not immediately reactive. “Feelings can be powerful,” says Chlipala, “but with some physical and emotional distance, you might start thinking, ‘How did I ever put up with that?’ or ‘Why did I make such a big deal about such small things?’”
Another reason you may consider a break is if you feel you’re not at the right place in life to be in a relationship. Maybe you want to work on yourself, be at a particular point in your career, or move out of your parent’s house. You don’t have to be in a perfect place to be in a relationship, but a break can give you time to figure out if you’re ready to fully commit.
There’s another reason for a break that can be hard to acknowledge: you’re worried you’re not really right for each other, but stay out of fear. “Fear can look like a lot of different things,” says Chlipala. If you’re staying in the relationship because you’re afraid of being alone or you catastrophize what your life would be like without your current partner, it could be time for a break. “Once you’re on a break, you may realize things aren’t as bad as you thought they would be on your own,” she says.
Tips for taking a break in your relationship
Here’s what to do for a smooth and productive time apart, according to experts.
Be ready to do the work
The first rule of thumb in taking a break in your relationship is to make sure the intentions of both partners are healthy. “Don’t take a break if you don’t intend to work on the relationship,” Meunier explains. “When people don't work on the relationship during a break, it becomes easier to let the relationship fizzle and die of neglect.”
Avoid acting on impulse
Sometimes it can be tempting to make rash decisions and quick exits after a big fight, which may lead to poor choices and actions from both partners throughout the break. “A lot of times one person storms out after a fight or announces they are taking a break because things have gotten too intense but they have not really thought about why and how they plan to reconnect,” Meunier says. “Before you tell your partner you are leaving, stop, reflect, review the big picture, and reach out for help.”
Don’t panic
It’s not always easy sharing your life with another person, and you’re inevitably going to have some issues. Most problems in relationships can’t be fully solved but that’s not as bad as it sounds, explains Kongit Farrell, L.M.F.T. and founder of Inspired Journey Counseling Center. “It’s more about how you choose to work through those problems and the approach you take. A break is just one approach.” Many couples have unrealistic expectations for long-term partnerships. You’re going to hit bumps, and that’s perfectly okay. A break can help you untangle issues around communication and problem-solving.
Work out the logistics beforehand
Before a couple goes on a break, it’s important to delineate the “why” so that you’re not wasting time. “What do you hope will be different once the break ends?” asks Chlipala. “For example, ‘I need to manage my anxiety better so that I don’t pick unnecessary fights.’”
The exact temporal parameters can vary from couple to couple, but three weeks apart is a good baseline to set. Why three weeks? “You need about a week to let your body and mind adjust to not being around someone that you’ve been in a relationship with,” says Farrell. “Then another week to sort out or identify your feelings or thoughts. And then you might need another week to actually figure out your plan.”
Set ground rules
Are you going to date or sleep with other people? How often can you communicate? Can you do check-ins about how you’re doing or feeling? These are all questions you and your partner should consider so you both understand the expectations of the break and nothing catches you off guard. One important thing to keep in mind, from Farrell: “If you do want to only do three weeks, you shouldn’t really be dating anyone else. You should take that time for yourself because the period is so brief.”
Take time to reflect
If you are truly committed to working through the problems in the relationship, set some goals for this time apart. “You want to know what you and your partner will work on during this break and your plan of action,” notes Chlipala. That can mean anything from seeing a therapist on your own to reading self-help books to journaling. If a specific incident precipitated the break, try writing down what happened, how it made you feel, and what you would prefer in the future. But it’s critical that both parties take time for reflection. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to stay with you and that can indicate that the relationship might not work.
As you reflect, try to evaluate the impact of the issues you had. It’s easy to take a partner for granted and only focus on the parts of them that annoy you. “When you’re alone, it can wake you up to what you didn’t appreciate in the moment,” says Chlipala. Maybe they’re so much fun to cook with but it drives you crazy that they never do the dishes. A break can help you figure out why you’re annoyed—does it feel gendered, or like they don’t respect your space? Understanding the root of a problem can help you both grow.
Another part of reflection is exploring how you handle being apart. It makes sense to miss your partner—a stable figure in your life is suddenly less present. However, it may be a sign that you’re codependent if being away from them for three weeks gives you anxiety, makes you depressed, or if you compulsively break the rules you set about separating.
Use checkpoints
The timeline of your break will be dependent on the context of your “why,” but checkpoints allow you to touch base about progress and reflections. This can mean checking in at the end of each week, or after you’ve both gone to see a therapist. Checkpoints will hold you and your partner accountable for staying on track with what you agreed to work on. “You don’t want to leave the break totally open-ended and feel like you’re putting your life on hold,” says Chlipala. Checkpoints can also act as a good indicator of whether you’re ready to end the break. However, if you’re the only one committed to these checkpoints it could show that your partner isn’t ready for what you need.
Come back together to make a decision
Coming back together does not have to mean staying together, but it’s still important to have a discussion. If you can resolve the issue together, great. And if not? “I would recommend the couple—or even one partner if the other refuses—find a good couples’ therapist who is directive and can teach information on what it takes to make a relationship healthy and fulfilling,” says Chlipala.
The answers you find during a break may not be what one or both partners really expect, but they can be what’s best for you.
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