Signs of child sexual abuse are closer than you think — and so are the abusers | Opinion

The vast majority of child sexual abusers — 90% — are in or close to the home; and 68% of abusers are family members.

Not only are the abusers closer than you might think, the abuse happens much more often than you may know. The Advocacy Center reports that one in three girls and one in five boys are sexually abused before the age of 18.

And the signs of abuse are more obvious than you may think. They are in plain sight and in behaviors you might dismiss as “problem behaviors” rather than see as cries for help.

Is your child “just sad” or sad from abuse? Is your child “just angry” or angry at an abuser who is near? Is your child “just acting out” or trying to shout out that something is wrong? Is your child “just a loner” or shut down in confusion, shame and fear?

The Mayo Clinic highlights signs of abuse: withdrawal from friends and activities; anger, aggression and hyperactivity; changes in school performance; depression; anxiety and fear; a loss of self-confidence; problems sleeping; nightmares; bed-soiling; self-harm; and rebellious, defiant behavior.

When you see these behaviors in your child, or another, do you “think again” to consider these may be warning signs of abuse, or dismiss them as growing pains? A deeper exploration could be that child’s only lifeline. You don’t need to be sure — you just need to explore.

Most studies agree that children are not born sad, angry, loners or rebellious. Rather, there is broad consensus that anger and aggressive behaviors are learned in response to situations and experiences. Most studies agree that we are all wired for connection, love and relationship.

A common thread in the shared stories of survivors of child sexual abuse is the hunger to reach out for help and love. Yet, the breach of trust suffered, the child’s innate desire to protect family and the fear and guilt from abuse, create a prison of silence and suffering.

Gloria Estefan, in 2021, told of her child sexual abuse by a family member, she shared, “I told him, ‘This cannot happen, you cannot do this.’ He goes: ‘Your father’s in Vietnam, your mother’s alone and I will kill her if you tell her.”

Teri Hatcher was molested by her uncle at the age of 7. Teri shared, “I was convinced it was my fault and I blamed myself for what had happened, so I didn’t tell anyone and I was silent.”

Ellen DeGeneres shared her protectiveness of her mother: “I didn’t want to tell my mother, because I was protecting her and I knew that that would ruin her happiness.”

Mary J. Blige shared her story of deep depression and isolation: “Most of the time, I was just depressed and didn’t want to live.” Oprah Winfrey echoed similar, “I thought there’s no way other than killing myself.” Ashley Judd, who tragically lost her mother, Naomi, last year to mental illness and induced suicide, shared of her own child sexual abuse, “I took to playing with mom’s gun, trying to decide if it would be worth it to shoot myself.” Tyler Perry shared, “I feel like I died as a child.”

For me, and other adults who have shared their stories on the podcast that I created as a healing and community-building resource, “Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse,” those threads are also shared. As we share our individual stories, we strengthen ourselves and each other. Those shared threads weave a collectively beautiful, resilient, vibrant, bold, strong, and supportive comforter that binds us all.

What can we create together and share? We can share the message “You’re not alone.” We can create a community of resilience and fearlessness — and of safety, connection and security.

By daring to see, hear and act, we can turn the fear of confronting and reporting abuse into an opportunity to create a different life for a child victim and change the life of an adult survivor. We can collectively transform, heal and co-create lives filled with optimism, relationship and, ultimately, the love and happiness that we all seek beyond our struggles.

Throughout April, National Child Abuse Prevention Month, let’s take the opportunity to transform lives — our own, those close to us and those looking for that one person who will see and hear —and fearlessly offer that one precious lifeline.

Kathy Andersen is the founder of END1IN4, Inc. to help end the impact and magnitude of child sexual abuse through breakthrough public awareness and engagement campaigns, education and advocacy.

For more information and a range of local and national resources, visit END1IN4.org. Also, in Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties, look out for END1IN4’s public awareness campaign, “See The Signs” and “You’re Not Alone” throughout April.

For 24/7 help and support, and to report abuse, call the 24/7 Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800) 4-A-Child. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, call or text 988, the 24/7 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. In an emergency, call 911.