Signs, signs, everywhere a sign — but do they conform to government regulations?
New York Times columnist David Brooks wrote an interesting piece on the Administrative State, noting among other things that one third of health care costs go to paperwork and that America employs one administrator for every 4.7 employees of the type who actually do something productive.
And I thought OK, but much of the administration results from capitalists who can’t behave themselves, and without rules would deny every health insurance claim you ever made, turn rivers into open sewers and fleece your 401(k).
But then, in the same edition of the Times, I saw a story that made me think Mr. Brooks has a point after all: Federal administrators are cracking down on humorous highway signs.
These would involve those lighted message boards on the Interstate that say things like “'Texting and Driving' Cell No!” and, in Boston, “Use Yah Blinkah.” In New Jersey the highway department riffed on Springsteen with “Slow Down. This Ain’t Thunder Road.”
No big deal I guess, although Lord knows there are enough grammatical issues in this country without New Jersey piling on in front of a million drivers.
Except, according to the Times, not everyone’s laughing: “In the latest edition of the federal standards for highway signs, published in December, officials warned that messages ‘with obscure or secondary meanings, such as those with popular culture references’ or those that are ‘intended to be humorous,’ should not be used.”
Highway signs, says the federal government, are not supposed to be fun, they are supposed to “fulfill a need; command attention; convey a clear, simple message; command respect; and provide adequate time for proper response.”
Well. A stop sign has to get up pretty early in the morning to fool the Department of Transportation. Some guy — no, probably an entire task force — sat around for who knows how many days spending who knows how much tax money figuring out what the definition of a sign should be.
To you and me a sign is a sign. And do any state highway departments even look at these definitions? "I don’t know, Earl. ‘Yield.’ Does that really command respect? To me it more commands deference.”
I do think it’s possible to get carried away. “One sign that drew widespread attention in Mississippi,” wrote the Times, referred to the lyrics of the hit Taylor Swift song "Anti-Hero":" ‘Texting and Driving? Say It: I’m the Problem. It’s Me.’ Another popular one … referred to the ‘Star Wars’ television show ‘The Mandalorian,’ declaring: ‘Baby Yoda Uses the Force But Still Needs a Car Seat.’"
Being a white male sixty-something, I have no clue what either of these mean. But maybe if I get hauled into traffic court I can use pop-culture illiteracy as a defense.
And while we’re focused on the silly federal administrative state, it’s easy to forget about the equally silly state administrative state. After all, it’s someone’s job to sit around in their cubicle coming up with creative ways to nag American drivers.
So this road sign tiff involves administrator-on-administrator violence over something — i.e., slow down in the fog — that anyone who is cognitive enough to get a driver’s license ought to know without being told.
Unfortunately, in this country it’s the big-government haters who holler loudest about personal responsibility who tend to be the least personally responsible. That’s why you always see so many four-wheel-drive pickups with “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper stickers lying on their sides in the borrow ditch when it snows.
I would also note, for the record, that federal administrators who fret that highway signs are too distracting ought to be going after those billboards with half-naked women advertising suntan oil.
Some woke entity has already silenced Pedro, and his South of the Border Mexican-speak billboards, which used to be the only interesting thing on I-95 south of Richmond. You remember them: “You Never Sausage a Place; Everyone’s a Weiner at Pedros.”
Now that commands respect.
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.
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This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Some rules are needed. Apparently even for funny highway signs
