Single dads share the secret struggles they face as parents

[(L-R) Jason, Mike and Paul speak onstage during TLC’s Single Dad Seeking…panel as part of the Discovery Communications portion of This is Cable Television Critics Association Winter Tour at Langham Hotel on January 7, 2016 in Pasadena, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)]

Play dates, after-school activities, wrangling the kids for various activities all the while feeding them nutritious meals and attempting to fit in sufficient quality bonding time—let alone time for yourself. These are just some of the issues parents in any household deal with when they have kids. For single parents, the struggle is even more real, as they attempt this grandiose juggling act alone.

Offer out the term “single parent” however, and most of us are left with an image of a mother, one who may be a little frazzled but doing the best damned job she can. Given a 2011 Canadian census poll that showed eighty per cent of lone-parent households were female-led, that presumption really should come as no surprise. Nor is it shocking that most support groups for single parent families are targeted at women. So where does that leave the rare single dad—the ones with no moms in the picture and probably no other dudes with whom they can relate?

According to a handful of single dads, they’d say pretty lonely. Not only does being a single father mean there’s little time to actually date, but it also means that well-intending passers-by tend to form small prejudices about the dads in question—including the infamous assumption that they’ve “just got the kids for the weekend.”

“Normally for any single father, the first question is ‘Why doesn’t the mother have custody of the child?’ That’s what people are used to,” says Mike (last name withheld), one of the stars of an upcoming TLC TV series, Single Dad Seeking, scheduled to premiere this spring. “Society kind of accepts the single mom thing, but we don’t get any credit—not that we do it for credit. But not all of us are the deadbeat dads that people tend to think of when you’re not with the mom and you’re not paying child support. In my situation I don’t even require my ex to pay child support. And you don’t hear of that when the roles are reversed.”

It’s a sentiment reflected by Paul and Jason, two of Mike’s upcoming co-stars. According to the trio, they got used to suspicious looks from strangers when their children were young and had to learn to stop taking offense when people would ask them why their kids weren’t with their mother. What was a bit harder was learning what they call an inherent “mother’s instinct,” which just didn’t always come as naturally to them.

“Women typically have a more nurturing intuition. Moms a lot of the time will be a little more natural; I have to take a more time to think about it and to make sure to give that to the kids also,” says Paul. “People don’t understand you’re a single dad and not a single mom—there’s a difference, just in the way you raise the kid. You do the best you can, but you’re still more uncomfortable when you’re in both roles. And sometimes it’s difficult for people to see that.”

Finding a more “nurturing” side was only the beginning of things for Paul, as he attempted to raise three daughters. Whenever any of them had to use the public washroom the sweat would start beading at the brow.

“It’s getting a little bit better now that they’re getting older; with a 12-year-old I’m more comfortable with it. Four years ago I wasn’t comfortable even with her going by herself depending on where we were,” he recalls. “I’d stand outside and if they took some time I’d have to ask someone, ‘Hey, are there three girls in there? Are they having water gun fights or what?’ It’s come a long way but it is a learning curve. You have to do what you have to do.”

One stigma the guys want to make clear is false however, is the perception that females are more attracted to men with kids. That may be the case initially, but in their experience once a woman realizes the responsibility involved, they want little to do with the family unit and run for the hills. Now that sounds like something single moms can definitely relate to.

“It’s a unique woman who wants to come in and be a part of that because ultimately you do put your kids first,” Jason explains. “Even in my long-term relationships if there was an issue with my kids I always sided with them. I took their side as a natural instinct.”

“I experienced that a lot,” adds Mike, who made a conscious decision not to even date until his son was in school full-time. “There were more than a few women that I dated that were interested in me, but had zero interest in the fact that I had kids. We’d go out for a few times and then it was done.”

At the end of the day, these guys admit they wouldn’t trade their kids for anything and are hoping that by doing a television series about finding love while raising children on their own will help bring more awareness to single dads everywhere. At the very least, it’s introduced them to each other and created a type of support group they’ve never had the chance to experience before.

“It is a unique situation. In fact other than these guys, I don’t know of any other single dads that have full custody of their kids,” Jason says. “It is rare and it is something that you have to go through on your own. This is my job and this is what I do. I’m responsible for this person 24/7.”