My Sister-in-Law Destroyed My Wedding Dress. And My Fiancé Is Not Reacting the Way He Should.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I bought my wedding dress years ago because it was a designer that I adored and it was pennies on the dollar. My fiancé proposed on Thanksgiving and I was over the moon. I made the mistake of showing off the wedding dress to his mother and sister. His sister made several catty comments about how weird it was to buy my wedding dress before I had even met my fiancé. I said I rather spend our wedding budget on other things and I could never resist a good sale. Later, when my mother and I took the dress to be altered, it was destroyed. There were huge rips in the back and a lot of the embroidery was snapped off.

I was devastated. I had no clue what happened until a friend sent me pictures from my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s social media. She went behind my back and tried on my wedding dress and put it back after she wrecked it! She denied it right up until I showed her the pictures and dared to claim that the dress was already like that when she tried it on. I told her she owed me a new wedding dress and she claimed she didn’t have the thousands of dollars to pay for it. I told her tough luck and that either she pays me back or she will not be invited to the wedding and everyone will know why.

She paid me the money and apparently had to take out a loan on her car to do so. Here is the dilemma. The seamstress told us she might be able to do a minor miracle and salvage my dress. It will be a different style and cost only a fraction of what a new dress would. My fiancé thinks his sister was “out of line” but that we should just fix the dress and give the rest of the money back. His sister doesn’t make a lot. I think maybe it is time she learned a lesson. We are fighting about it. I just want to be happy about our engagement but this has just been stressful. Help!

—About the Dress

Dear About the Dress,

You’ve somehow found yourself in an episode of a reality TV show! Not only did your sister-in-law talk poorly about your decision to purchase the dress, but she tried it on in “secret”—only to post the proof all over social media. And now that your seamstress suddenly has the skill of Tim Gunn, your fiancé expects you to give the money back for your replacement? This is a lot.

Unless you’re set on making the alteration work, I would purchase a new dress with the money you were given. Don’t feel like you have to settle for an altered version of what you originally wanted. If you do decide to stick to your original gown, I personally would consider keeping the entire lump sum from your sister-in-law anyway. But more importantly, I suggest getting on the same page as your fiancé before your big day. You’re supposed to be a team as husband and wife. This includes backing you up as well as upholding the boundaries you set when it comes to family members. Asking for your sister-in-law to replace what she broke isn’t meant to be a punishment, it’s to protect you from this kind of behavior in the future. By setting a consequence and sticking to it, this is less likely to happen again. And your husband should support you on this once you explain that to him. His sister has already been disrespectful and has continued to be, so hopefully, this lesson will curb her from pulling a similar stunt in the future. Good luck.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My brother “Jackson“‘s (late-20s) gift-giving has made Christmas much less enjoyable. He’s WAY too good at giving them. He meticulously notes any casually mentioned wants our family expresses, and he makes good enough money to manifest many of our more costly/unique desires. In some ways, it’s like there’s a real Santa Claus. But he’s overtaken the holiday; we all know that giving gifts is HIS THING. He’s told me, “Don’t worry about whatever you get Dad, I already got him [expensive rare thing].” This past holiday, I was drumming up anticipation to my husband over what I got him, and his response was, “Check with Jackson first, I know he already got most of the stuff I wanted.” I huffed that it shouldn’t matter what Jackson got him, it should matter what I got him, which is just as lovingly selected. (He agreed.) When I ask my family what they want, they’ll say not to stress, Jackson’s taken care of it. Nobody has reacted to my gifts any worse than his… but I don’t make nearly as much money, and cannot afford to buy like he can. I interpret these statements as my gifts being automatically second-best or that my expressions of love aren’t necessary.

I want to bring it up to Jackson, but he’s struggled with low self-esteem, and it’s obvious that this has become a compulsion to maintain a positive self-image. It simultaneously makes me sad to think of robbing him of something that makes him feel good about himself, but also really bugs me that he expects me to just play second fiddle. The vibe on the day itself has become high-stakes, as he’ll be in a near panic whenever we open his gifts, praying that we love it, that he didn’t mess it up. And there are things I can give my family he can’t—I’m a professional artist, and while making bespoke things is not something I can manage every year, I feel like I should be able to give something that, in theory, he can’t (when I gave my dad a painting a few years ago, he cried). But even then, I feel dissuaded: I know Jackson will feel shown up, I love him, and it’s not worth it. Should I find a way to broach it with him at the risk of his feelings? Or, as the older sibling, should I just swallow the feeling of being shown up and let him have his day?

—Could Santa Claus Stop Coming to Town?

Dear Could Santa Claus Stop Coming To Town,

Let’s get ahead of this before next Christmas arrives. I tapped Dr. Kate Truitt, a licensed clinical psychologist and neuroscientist, for some help with your letter.

You’ve observed that Jackson’s lavish gift-giving may stem from his struggle with self-esteem, an effort to affirm his self-worth and role in the family. Dr. Truitt thinks that his anxiety during gift openings could indicate a fear of not being “good enough” without such grand gestures. “Simultaneously, your sense of being overshadowed, especially given your ability to create deeply personal and meaningful art, is entirely justified,” she points out. So while none of this is coming from a bad place, it’s still an imbalance that needs to be addressed.

Dr. Truitt suggests trying two different approaches to gift-giving in the future. First, talk to your brother. Let him know that you appreciate his enormous gift-giving efforts but also share that you put a lot of time and thought into your gifts and feel that they might be a bit overshadowed. Then, ask him how you can move forward to create a more balanced gift-giving approach in the future.

Second, schedule a family meeting to discuss gift-giving expectations. Let them know that you’d love to talk about the way the family gives gifts and expectations around them. Perhaps you all can create a budget so that everyone can feel included—or the group might try a different setup like Secret Santa. You can also suggest that folks consider other gifts, such as giving services or handmade items instead. Hopefully, Jackson will understand where you’re coming from and come around.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I grew up in a middle-class neighborhood with my friend Anna and we came from similar means and families. Fast forward 20 years, I did really well in my career and have become what most would consider “rich.” My friend struggled in school and now earns a modest salary while raising three kids mostly on her own. I’m the godmother of her youngest son and I’d love to spoil her kids with some occasional expensive gifts if there is something that they want that would normally be outside their means. Her oldest daughter now wants a PlayStation. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her say she wants something specific, and so I’d like to get it for her.

However, my friend says it’s too much money for a gift. How can I convince her to accept the PlayStation? I am a terrible gift giver in general and have a bad tendency to forget birthdays, so I see this as a good opportunity to finally give something they will enjoy, and likely use for the next few years. I do understand that it is a lot of money, but I’d love to give it to them.

—The Fairy Godmother

Dear Fairy Godmother,

I doubt you’re as poor of a gift-giver as you believe. But in this case, I would respect your friend’s wishes and not get the PlayStation.

Her refusing the gift could be coming from a variety of places. Maybe it’s about pride and she feels bad accepting big gifts she herself can’t afford to provide. Perhaps she’s worried about her kids taking advantage of your hospitality, and that they’ll then expect these types of items regularly. But wherever it’s stemming from, it’s a boundary she is trying to set with you, and you need to respect it.

Next time you’re thinking about surprising them with a gift, ask her what she feels is an appropriate spending limit for the kids. Stick to it, and the next time it’s time to give a gift, ask the same question. Also, start putting birthdays in your calendar with a two-week reminder. This way, you have a grace period to shop and can remember to check in with Mom ahead of time.

—Athena

I live in the same small town where I grew up; I’ve had lifelong relationships with many of my friends (and their moms were friends with my mom 50 years ago!). I was laid off in the pandemic and decided to start a small business from home, just to keep myself occupied and add a little income to the household. Prudie, I’ve been devastated by how unsupportive my friends have been.