What is a situationship? And how to avoid being in one.

Sara Kuburic, USA TODAY
·3 min read

The hashtag situationship has more than 335 million views on TikTok. Maybe you've heard the term but were unsure what it meant. Or maybe you found yourself in one but didn't know what it was called.

Put simply, a situationship is a lack of consensus on what a relationship actually is, so the situation itself determines the relationship, rather than the people. This usually means an awkward middle ground somewhere between friendship and a committed relationship. For many, a situationship is a unique type of purgatory where they don’t know how to define the relationship dynamic. This often means a "no-strings-attached" dynamic without boundaries or mutual understanding.

Situationships are becoming more common because people are stepping away from traditional relationship structures and avoiding labels. It’s an appealing approach for people who want to explore relationships in a more unrestricted way and alleviate the pressure of expectations.

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But a problem emerges when this mindset is accompanied by lack of communication and clarity. It can be liberating to remove relationship parameters – but only if both individuals explicitly want this dynamic. For many of us, not knowing where we stand in a relationship, what we should expect, or where our relationship is heading can be unnerving or even painful.

Some people use a situationship as transitional phases before they commit. Others become aware of them by the feeling that their relationship is not progressing – and is simultaneously failing to fulfill their needs. Many situationships start with potential but end with disappointment. This is often because one person wants to commit more than the other and consequently feels anxious, frustrated, rejected, resentful or angry about the situation.

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It's not always easy to identify a situationship, so here are some common signs you are in one:

  • The relationship is undefined

  • The other person is unwilling to commit

  • You don’t talk about your future together

  • There is no consistency or planning

  • The other person is not integrated into your life, and vice versa

  • The relationship is not very public

  • The time you spend together seems to occur out of convenience

  • The other person is not investing in the relationship

  • The relationship is not progressing

  • The other person is seeing other people

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How to avoid being in a situationship

If undefined relationship dynamics give you anxiety, you may choose not be in one.

Here are three tips to help you avoid being in a situationship:

  1. If you are unsure about the relationship dynamic, ask. Sometimes the situationship stem from our lack of communication. Both individuals may be timid or afraid of rejection, and consequently fail to communicate what they mean to each other. Or, perhaps you know the answer is not something you want to hear so you don’t ask it.

  2. Stop hoping that the other person will change their mind. If they don’t want to define a relationship or commit to one, believe them.

  3. Be clear about the type of relationship you want. If you don’t want a situationship, make it clear. Let them know what you want . What is the relationship dynamic that aligns with your needs?

  4. Set boundaries that will honor your needs. If you are feeling disrespected or hurt by the way you are being treated as a result of the situationship, set boundaries. A boundary can sound like: “I need us to define this relationship;" “I am looking for a commitment. If this is not what you’re looking for, I think we should end this relationship;" “Please don’t call me just for sex. I feel used when it seems like that’s the only reason you want to spend time together."

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Situationship: What is it? And how to avoid these relationships.