Will Smith's slap shows 'being a man' crazy in love often gaslighting| Opinion

When I saw Will Smith slap Chris Rock at The Oscars on live television, I, like many of you, wasn’t sure if what I had just witnessed was real. It had to be staged, right? That was just for TV ratings, right? Well, they are actors after all, right?

Things are looking pretty real, given The Oscars has condemned Will Smith’s act and launched a full-scale investigation into it.

I’ve enjoyed watching The Oscars for many years and am one of the loyal viewers. But there are few of us remaining. Ratings have plunged in recent years. I wonder if people are beginning to see through it, or are just plain tired of it. But with Will Smith’s slap, I’m not sure how people will respond this time next year.

More: As a Black man, I hate to see what happened with Will Smith and Chris Rock. But it can be a teachable moment.

When Smith gave his speech after accepting his very first Oscar, he spoke about how love causes you to do “crazy things.” That’s a phrase ripped straight out of the gaslighting playbook.

He tried to couch his actions in the context of needing to protect his wife and his family. They weren’t in physical danger. Then he said God was calling him to be a “vessel of love.” God gets blamed for so much these days.

What a mess. I have different ideas that come to my mind when I think about being a “vessel of love.”

Love is not what we saw.

More: Will Smith apologizes to Chris Rock after slapping him at Oscars over joke: 'I was out of line'

If you feel that he was justified in standing up to a bully, I really do understand that. But responding to a mean-spirited joke with assault in front of millions? Maybe next time, handling it backstage with words could be a wiser solution.

What we witnessed was toxic masculinity—a man claiming to protect a woman (who is fully capable of protecting herself) and creating a violent situation when words would’ve handled it.

That’s called “being a man,” you might hear. No, that’s acting like a child. It could have been a scene right out of the movie “The Power of the Dog.” And just like that movie, we aren’t sure what we just saw and aren’t sure we like it.

More: Opinion: Fight against 'toxic masculinity' must start with men

Or, maybe it’s a case of having enough money and influence to believe that you can get away with anything? Chris Rock didn’t press charges, but he could’ve. It was there for millions of people to see.

And then there was the reaction online.

I love a good meme, but the current tendency to make fun of something that is actually quite serious just rubs me the wrong way. We shrug things off like they mean nothing and move on too quickly.

More: Why we can't agree on Will Smith's slap

Chris Rock made a bad joke, going where he often goes. Will Smith made a bad choice in response (and dug it deeper).

The audience was left to partially laugh, partially applaud, and partially sit there in a daze. And then they had to watch the rest of the show like nothing happened and act as if it was all part of the show.

I really don’t know the answer. I do know we have some underlying issues that were highlighted by this 15-second situation.

I hope this shared moment will expand the ongoing conversations in our country about unlearning what we assume about the roles of different genders, how best to support women, the use of violence as a way to handle our emotions, and how far is too far when making jokes.

More: Will Smith and Chris Rock can both grow from a moment of toxic masculinity | Hill

There’s a lot to unpack, but I’m hopeful that both Will Smith and Chris Rock can show some grace to one another and use this as a teaching moment, especially for men.

Dale Lykins of Mason, Ohio, is pastor of The Open Table, as well as a coach, speaker and writer. His website is www.dalelykins.com.

This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: Opinion: Will Smith, Chris rock slap teaches about toxic masculinity