What is 'soft-launching' a relationship? And is it right for you?
I remember being in high school and my very first serious relationship. Once we were “officially” boyfriend and girlfriend, it took only moments before we jumped on Facebook and changed our relationship statuses to “in a relationship” with each other’s names attached. It felt like a significant public moment, but so was removing that status years later to “single.”
Now, such declarations are rare, not only because Facebook is not used the same way it once was but because the approach to dating has changed. Welcome to the era of "soft-launching" relationships.
Have you heard of this phrase? It's often described as a means of announcing that there is someone special in your life while keeping the person's identity hidden. Soft-launching can look like posting a picture of joined hands, the person's silhouette, or the person holding a large coffee mug that covers their face. As much as people search for the person's handle, they will not find it because you will not display it or tag them. People will know you are with someone, but they won’t know with whom.
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Why do people soft-launch relationships?
You want privacy. Some people may want to acknowledge their relationship while still maintaining privacy. You don't want to keep their relationship status or partner a secret, but you also don't want the dynamic or their significant other to be placed under a microscope. Privacy can be a way of taking care of yourself and the person you love.
You feel uncertain. Suppose you feel unsure about the person or the relationship's future. In that case, a soft launch allows you to test the waters without having public consequences if things don't work out. It’s a noncommittal way to announce there is someone in your life.
You are not ready to define it. Perhaps you are still trying to understand what you mean to each other or the relationship's status or label (and maybe you don't want one). So, you keep things casual and vague online instead of making a big gesture, misrepresenting the relationship or spooking the other person by posting in a way that might make them uncomfortable.
You are trying to compromise. Maybe your partner is upset that you're not posting about them, but you have strict social media boundaries. You decide to soft-launch your relationship as a way to meet somewhere in the middle.
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Before you consider soft-launching your relationship, it's essential to consider your motivation. Sometimes soft-launching will not serve us or be respectful to our partner. Here are some examples:
You are trying to make someone jealous or get revenge. If you are soft-launching a relationship to get attention or a reaction from someone else, this could backfire and hurt multiple people involved.
You are embarrassed. You may not find your new partner as attractive as your previous ones. As a result, you soft-launch as a way to hide features you don't find appealing and prevent others from being able to look them up. But should you be in the relationship if you can't accept the person for who they are?
You are avoiding communication. You may not know how the person feels about you or the relationship, so you don't know how to include them in your social media. Suppose you are soft-launching only because you’re avoiding conversing with them about the relationship or how it should or shouldn't be represented on social media. In that case, it’s time to have a chat!
You are using the relationship. If you're using your partner to create content (so you are more "relatable"), receive external validation or gain a more extensive following – it might be time to stop. Unless the other person knows this is why you're talking about the relationship, it's an unkind way to use another person and the dynamic they have built with you.
You are afraid of failing. If you are soft-launching only because you're scared things won't end well, try not to worry so much. Relationships don't always work out, and that's OK. As a society, we are becoming increasingly more accepting of this.
When deciding between hard- or soft-launching a relationship, communicate with your partner and discuss boundaries, consent and expectations.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationship advice: Soft-launching your significant other, explained
