What to Say to Someone With Cancer
Cancer. It's a word that can put your entire life on hold. For many, one of the worst parts of navigating a diagnosis is figuring out how to navigate conversations about treatment. These conversations can be as uncomfortable as they are terrifying. My cancer diagnosis came at the end of a long line of medical trips, hospitalization and horrific ER experiences. When I was finally able to put a label on what I had, part of me felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest in spite of the fact that my chest is exactly where my tumor was. But my diagnosis didn't offer a handbook or detailed instructions for how to deal with the various challenges of a life-changing illness. As a survivor, advocating for fellow cancer patients has become very important to me. It's important to try to dispel common misconceptions and miscommunications in order to hopefully provide a supportive, honest environment. Everyone is different, and I of course cannot speak for anyone else's experience, but here's what I took away from my experience as a young adult with cancer.
My Story
Initially, my health problems were misdiagnosed as "nothing." I could feel my heart beating rapidly all the time, but whenever I mentioned it, people brushed me off and said I was worried because I was starting my senior year of college, or that I was overreacting. When my tumor was finally found, it was a shock because no one was looking for it and because I had just gotten over a case of Rocky Mountain spotted fever, for which I was hospitalized a month earlier. My tumor was actually found at what was my fifth ER visit in a three-month period. At the time, I was experiencing severe abdominal pain that didn't seem to have a cause, and a full body CT scan was requested. That was when doctors informed me of two things. One: I had appendicitis but the issue had fixed itself and therefore didn't need to be addressed. And two: There was a mass in my chest. It was growing against my heart and pressing into my trachea and lungs. From discovery to diagnosis was about a month, but right before the holiday season it became official: I had classic Stage II Hodgkin lymphoma. Early on, it was decided that I would get treatment at The Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center -- Arthur G. James Cancer Hospital and Richard J. Solove Research Institute (OSUCCC -- James) in Columbus, Ohio. I was 21 and supposed to be going into my last semester of college, but instead I withdrew to begin treatment.
As a cancer patient, I experienced firsthand that there are many common misconceptions not only about cancer, but about the best ways to talk about and handle a diagnosis. Here are some of the most common I experienced, and how I found best to deal with them.
[Read: Ways to Prevent Skin Cancer.]
Young Adults Don't Get Cancer: "You're so young!"
Many people seem to associate cancer with either young children or adults. Of course, no one age group deserves more attention than the other, but young adults do get cancer, and with diagnosis comes a set of specific, age-related concerns we have to work through. In my case, I was in college and getting ready to graduate and move on to the next phase of my life. All of a sudden, I was being asked to prove to my student loan providers that I had cancer, withdrawing from school, explaining to my landlord why I had to break my lease, saying goodbye to friends and leaving the semblance of independence I had created there.
Additionally, young adults might face difficult conversations regarding fertility. At that point, when I was 21, I did not have a serious partner and was nowhere near the point in my life where I'd think about having children. And yet I was asked: "How badly do you want to have kids?" I was forced to decide whether I wanted to proceed with fertility treatments a few weeks before starting chemotherapy. As a women especially, time was of the essence. I embarked on two long weeks of doctors appointments five mornings a week, plus shots of various hormones on a tightly timed schedule every night. This process is expensive and can bring up questions that the patient isn't ready to answer. For young adults going through this procedure, friends and family might try to offer suggestions, but issues about fertility are sensitive and must be handled with care. It's best not to question someone's decision to proceed (or not proceed) with treatment and instead offer support without judgment.
Cancer Is Hard, For Me: "I just can't believe this happened."
Another challenging aspect about a cancer diagnosis is that friends and loved ones tend to tiptoe around patients, worried that they're going to say or do the wrong thing. The truth is, there is no "right thing" to say in these situations. Sometimes, being overly sensitive leaves patients in the position of making sure that other people feel better about the fact that they have cancer. Instead of being helpful, this lack of communication prevents open and honest discussion. Support networks should keep in mind that it's more than OK to acknowledge the difficulties of cancer and find ways to support patients without asking for comfort in return. Remember, though, that the patient is also a human being who -- especially if he or she is a loved one -- wants to support the people in their lives that are affected by this. It's OK to confirm that both parties are going through a difficult time and share those feelings openly.
[See: What Not to Say to a Breast Cancer Patient.]
Encouragement Isn't Always Helpful: "You don't look like..."
After a cancer diagnosis, friends and loved ones will look for ways to support you. Most will do a phenomenal job at knowing when to say the right things, but sometimes even those with the best intentions might inadvertently say something that's inappropriate or insensitive that they think is kind and helpful. Keeping perspective and knowing when to forgive is a great practice for the patient, but for those in positions of support, it's always a good rule of thumb to never comment on a cancer patient's hair loss, weight loss (or gain) or, my favorite, suggest that they have "the 'good' cancer" with a high survival rate. Despite framing any of these topics as a positive, most of these comments will come off as insensitive and disregard the cancer patient's feelings. Personally, I found I was much more receptive to the encouraging comments when I felt my feelings and personal experience were being acknowledged and justified. You can even just say: "You're right; having cancer is really terrible." Doing this opens a dialogue, and patients will be more receptive to hearing words of encouragement.
Only Topic of Conversation Is Cancer: "How are you feeling?"
When you have cancer, people might feel like that's all they can or should talk about with you -- and if they don't, they're not being a good supporter. While having a system that's looking to support you in your diagnosis is important, it's even more necessary to have conversations that center on things other than cancer. One of my favorite conversations I had during treatment happened when my grandfather was telling me about a salad he had eaten that day. It was covered in the best balsamic he had ever had. I often felt that I was missing out on what was going on in the world because every conversation circled around how I was feeling and my diagnosis. While I certainly love being a cancer advocate and raising awareness to encourage open dialogue, and appreciated everyone wanting to check in, I also always appreciated when friends and loved ones engaged with me as a real person. Practicing a healthy balance will help keep your support group strong and keep patients grounded -- and sane.
[See: What Causes Cancer? 5 Unlikely Claims Explained.]
Now, as a college graduate in remission, I've finally taken the next big step in my life, moving to New York City to pursue being a working actor and writer. But more than anything, I just want to enjoy my life and see where it leads. I hope these tips come in handy if you are ever forced to deal with this awful disease. But remember: Just like no two cancers are alike, neither are the humans with them; results may vary.
