Something to shout about: Town of Palm Beach takes a hard line against public 'hooting'

We here at the Palm Beach County chapter of the Citizens Against Virtually Everything are broken-car-alarm screaming mad at the new Town of Palm Beach noise ordinance that targets “hooting” in public.

Did we say anything before, when the town prohibited “hooting” within town limits between midnight and 7 a.m.?

No, we didn’t. Clearly, that was a mistake.

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We should have taken heed to those who warned: First they come for the loud singers, then they come for the whistlers and shouters, and by the time they come for the hooters there’s no one left to stop them.

Town targets noise in the street

The Town Council passed an ordinance this week that extends the ban against hooting on the public streets in town until 9 a.m.

I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. the perfect time for loud public hooting? Yes, it is.

I think we can all say loud outbursts of hooting on the public streets first thing in the morning is something we all look forward to. It’s one of the freedoms we cherish here in Florida, America’s Freest State™ (trademark pending).

So when you can’t walk around Palm Beach ripping off some good old hoots to your heart’s content without fear of government overreach, then what’s next?

A ban against audible flatulence?

Yes, it stinks, we say. Stinks to high heaven, this new town ordinance that comes down hard on “ yelling, shouting, hooting, whistling or singing on public streets” before 9 a.m.

Well, at least “hollerin’” is still permitted.

We here at The CAVE Society deplore this silence agenda. And we say this even though we wouldn’t be sad if street whistling was banned 24/7. Whistling in public, or as we like to call it, “egregious public displays of contentment," should be prosecuted, not tolerated.

Unless you’re grandfathered in as one of Snow White’s dwarfs.

As for singing on public streets, we could support some restrictions based on a heavily vetted playlist. We agree that there would be few things worse than listening to somebody sing “Baby Shark” before breakfast.

More on the ordinance: Palm Beach moves to ban gas-powered leaf blowers, extends overnight quiet time

'Hooting' a hard act to define

But hooting? What’s wrong with hooting?

And we’re not even sure the average person is competent enough to report instances of public hooting to the town. After all, a good number of public hoots are merely people stubbing their toes on curbs or walking into utility poles, street signs and parking meters while typing messages on their cellphones.

There’s just too much involuntary hooting going on to make it illegal. Let’s face it, most people who are 65 years old or older do a version of hooting every time they stand up from being in a seated position for more than one hour.

As a code enforcement issue, it’s going to be problematic. I imagine that calling in a hooting complaint to the town might go something like this:

***

Code Enforcement: Good morning. You’ve reached the Town of Palm Beach Code Enforcement recorded line. Please listen to the following menu options so we may better assist you with this call.

If you’re calling to report a yell, press 1. A shout, press 2. Hooting, press 3. Whistling, press 4. Singing, press 5. If you’re calling to report a gas-powered leaf blower, hang up immediately and call 911.

(You press 3. And you’re connected to a person.)

Code enforcement: Good morning. Please describe your hoot.

Caller: Well, I woke up and I heard this man’s voice coming from the street.

Code enforcement: How would you describe the voice?

Caller: It was definitely … hooty.

Code enforcement: Did you hear any distinct words either directly preceding the alleged hoot or following it? Such as “Roll Tide,” “Git ‘r done” or “Trump 2024"?

Caller: Yes, there was a question about “Who let the dogs out?”

Code enforcement: OK, sir. I think you’re reporting something that may be part of a song. You’re going to have to hang up and call again. This time, press 5.

***

Educating the public on the civil penalties associated with public hooting may require the town to create a special mascot to raise awareness at public events. I’m thinking of an owl wearing a gag over its beak: Mutesy the Silent Owl.

But we here at The CAVE Society maintain that a better course of action would be to amend the ordinance to allow hooting on town streets.

Think of it as a business decision. The Town of Palm Beach will never host a national yodeling festival with an ordinance like this on the books. There won’t be a yodeler east of the Swiss canton of Fribourg who will step foot in a town that takes such a dim view on hooting.

And once you’ve lost the yodelers, we all know that it’s a steep, quick descent to fascism.

fcerabino@gannett.com

@FranklyFlorida

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Palm Beach restricts 'hooting' on public streets in new ordinance