What to do when your son wants to be a princess for Halloween. (Hint: Have fun!)
My son wants to be Elsa for Halloween. What should I do?!
This type of question pops up frequently on parenting message boards, Reddit threads and Facebook groups. Every year around Halloween, parents reach out to me to ask how to navigate this situation. Their son or daughter wants to dress up as something outside of gender norms – and they’re not sure what to do.
The first thing to understand is that there’s nothing problematic about your son wanting to dress up like Elsa, or your daughter wanting to dress up and use the Force to get candy as Kylo Ren. It may make you uncomfortable, and you might be concerned about the response they or you will get from other kids and parents. But letting those concerns get in the way of your child being able to wear what they want on Halloween is the wrong approach to take here and can leave young people feeling unsupported and ashamed for their interests, like they need to hide a part of themselves.
Be prepared, but don't back down
Halloween actually brings with it an incredible opportunity to encourage your children to embrace their authenticity, whatever that looks like. That unbridled joy children have when they’re out in costume, showing off their looks to neighbors and friends is a powerful thing, and it can be a very special time for many young people.
Gender has a lot to do with that. It’s a moment to break free of limiting gender norms that hold many of us back while having some fun with self-expression. I encourage parents to not only “allow” their kids to dress up as whatever they want, but also to affirm those choices and help their young people feel proud. A shining example of that is this father who not only supported his son’s choices, but also dressed up as Elsa himself for an extra dose of affirmation.
Unfortunately, kids who choose to dress in costumes that don’t align with the sex on their birth certificates may sometimes attract looks or comments. Parents may be on the receiving end of this, too. I always advise parents to gently talk to kids about this possibility and be prepared with language in case it comes up.
For example, if another kid says something like, “But you’re a boy,” your son can say: “It’s Halloween. We can be whatever we want to be!” And this goes for parents, too. If another parent comes up to you and says, “Is that a boy or a girl?” you can simply tell them: “It’s a princess!” Thinking through some of these scenarios and having responses ready can help both you and your children feel safer and more empowered in the moment.
It's Halloween – have fun with it
Parents also ask me, “But what does this mean?!” Well, if your son dresses as Elsa, the first thing it means is probably that he loves "Frozen." For many kids, costumes are a form of play, a way to experiment with expression and an opportunity to celebrate the characters they love. It’s a real opportunity for us to explore, embrace and play with gender, particularly in a world where younger generations increasingly see gender as expansive and fluid.
Of note, 23% of Gen Z-ers expect their gender identity to change at least once in their lifetime, according to a 2019 report from Irregular Labs. And a Vice survey found that 41% say they identify as neutral on the spectrum of femininity and masculinity.
For some kids, you may notice that when Halloween ends, they continue to seek out the princess dress or the wig. Use those moments as an opportunity to dive deeper and have an exploratory conversation: "I noticed you love putting on that dress. How does it make you feel?" These don’t need to be heavy, big discussions, but they can make a world of difference in helping your young person feel seen and accepted. Simply notice and create space to talk openly.
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays because it’s time for all of us – no matter who we are or how old we are – to play and experiment with what feels good. Halloween can be the perfect starting point for parents and kids to foster a culture of love, individuality and support around the topic of gender.
Lisa Kenney is the CEO of Reimagine Gender and the former executive director of Gender Spectrum.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Gender and Halloween costumes: Let children have fun beyond the binary
