‘The Soulmate Trap’: Why Utah researchers believe the notion of soulmates is ‘harmful’

SALT LAKE CITY (ABC4) — Utah researchers are cautioning against falling into the “soulmate trap” — releasing their findings just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Researchers from Brigham Young University’s Wheatley Institute, Utah State University Extension and the University of Alberta are challenging the popular idea that finding your “soulmate” will lead to a lasting and loving relationship, expressing concern that the notion of “the one” can be damaging.

“The concept of a soulmate, while romantic and appealing, can be potentially harmful, particularly in how it influences expectations and behaviors in relationships,” USU Extension Specialist David Schramm said.

The ‘Soulmate Trap’

The idea of a soulmate is widespread in today’s society, according to researchers, with people scrolling through dating apps looking for “the one” or enduring first dates and heartbreak in the hopes that “someday all of this will fall into place.”

BYU researcher Jason Carroll said the romantic ideal is not bad in itself, but the “soulmate model” of a relationship “provides a deeply flawed conception of how
to achieve this aspiration.”

Carroll says belief in a soulmate can make it seem as though a successful relationship is outside of our control and instead is reliant on destiny.

“Such beliefs suggest that someone exists as your One-and-Only before you have even met. However, the findings of our study illustrate that oneness in marriage is primarily made, not found,” Adam Galovan, professor at the University of Alberta, said.

The study is titled “The Soulmate Trap: Why Embracing Agency-Based Love is the Surest Path to Creating a Flourishing Marriage.” It subs the idea that meeting your soulmate is the best way to have lasting love with the theory that proactive behaviors — such as spending quality time together and being compassionate — are more effective in strengthening relationships.

The study, which involved more than 1,200 people across the U.S. and Canada, finds that couples in “high-connection” relationships report engaging in proactive behaviors significantly more than those in “low-connection” relationships.

Researchers say understanding that relationship success is based on choice is especially important for couples transitioning from “the early phases of initiation and attraction” to “enduring patterns of partnership and romantic companionship.”

“All of us grow and change in our relationship over time,” Schramm said. “The key is to forget the person you thought you married and get to work on the relationship with the person you did marry.”

Researcher suggestions

While the study appears to overthrow the notion of soulmate love, the researchers don’t end their report on this seemingly disappointing note. They believe the following advice could prove even more useful for hopeless (and hopeful) romantics than relying on fate.

First, researchers suggest changing the mindset from finding “the one” to finding “a good match.”

“Simply put, love fits itself to you, you do not fit yourself to love,” the study eloquently states.

They offer five solutions to replacing the soulmate mindset with one of choice and growth for people looking for love or those who want to strengthen the love they already have.

1. Avoid a consumer approach

The scholars quote Dr. William Doherty when he cautioned against allowing the consumer approach — quickly changing with the trends in the marketplace — to move into the relationship sphere. Doherty said this mindset convinces us that “the new is always better than the old — unless something old becomes trendy again.”

Instead, researchers suggest prioritizing the values of responsibility and commitment to create a lasting, stable relationship.

2. Foster realistic expectations about relationships

“One of the greatest risks of soulmate thinking is the way that it shapes young adults toward unrealistic expectations about how healthy relationships come together and what makes them succeed,” the study says.

Researchers discussed the problem of thinking a relationship is destined to work out or fail, as it causes people to constantly evaluate their partner and if they are the best one for them. This can lead to disengaging or distancing themselves when conflict arises in a relationship.

Instead, researchers suggest working together to improve the relationship and evaluating yourself as to how you can improve as a partner.

3. Develop a mature understanding of love

Developing a mature understanding of love expands past the emotional feelings usually tied to “falling in love,” researchers say. This means in addition to having an emotional connection, you also choose the love and work for the love as well.

Researchers say understanding that attitude and actions matter as well as feelings is crucial since the “emotional aspect of love is the most unstable.”

4. Following healthy dating trajectories

The study says looking for “the one” can sometimes lead to dating paralysis and fear-based decision-making when pursuing a potential relationship. It can also cause rushed dating where people jump into a relationship convinced they are with their soulmate.

Scholars suggest engaging in non-exclusive dating and social interactions to gain dating experience. They then suggest focusing on hitting important milestones in dating to gauge if you’re ready to move forward, rather than fixating on how long you have been together.

5. Maintain optimism while resolving breakups

One of the greatest risks of “soulmate love” is the despair of equating a breakup with losing your soulmate or your only chance at love. Researchers say to reject the idea of the “one-and-only” and embrace that there are several options and opportunities that can lead to long-lasting love.

The conclusion of the study says the idea of soulmates has positively increased the value our culture places on a good, happy marriage, but can also create misconceptions about how creating that kind of marriage happens.

“We need to foster a new ideal of marriage that recognizes single adults’ desire to have a special love relationship but sets aside the myth of a soulmate marriage in favor of creating a marriage based on agency, commitment, and intentional actions,” Schramm said.

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