Speak up or die? The question saved my life after I was raped. I'm speaking up for other men.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673). This column also contains discussion of suicide. If you or someone you know might be struggling with suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1-800-273-8255.
Is it better to speak or to die?
That’s a simple, consequential question, especially for male victims to consider during this Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It’s a question that badgered me daily for several years after it happened to me.
I’m one who barely survived a rape. Three men entered my downtown Phoenix home one night while I slept. I was stripped naked. Then held down, beaten and raped.
The physical injuries I suffered weren’t going to end my life. It was my silence, the post-traumatic stress disorder and the suicidal thoughts.
Those were all devastating results of that fateful evening.
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We think rape doesn't happen to men
There’s an unwritten rule about sexual assault in our society. It comes in two parts.
First, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen to men and boys. Second, when it does, go back and reread the first rule.
Maybe it was luck, divine intervention or a coincidence. But an unexpected moment of laughter from a late-night comedy show stopped me from dying by suicide on Nov. 2, 2015.
That 11th hour miracle helped me realize there was something very valuable still left inside of me. My untold story. That spark of hope started my journey to overcome the trauma.
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It also gave me a purpose in life. To open up, finally, about the sexual assault I experienced as I work tirelessly to reach a symbolic goal.
How would my friends react?
I put a post on Facebook later that year, for the very first time letting all my friends and family know that I was raped.
It was a bold thing to do given my background.
I was born in Gary, Indiana, and raised in the tough as steel neighborhoods along Chicago’s southeast side. A fiercely proud working-class area.
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According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, “Men may feel the need to be silent about their abuse because of the internalized belief that men can’t be victims, or that men should not express weakness.”
How would my longtime blue-collar buddies react to this possible display of weakness?
The fellas who cheered with me at plenty of Cubs and Bears games. The ones who would debate the problems of the world with me over ice-cold Old Styles at our favorite local bars. The guys who had been my teammates in softball and bowling leagues.
They were there for me. It's what I needed.
Indeed, I took a big risk with that post. It was reminiscent of the famous scene from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption,” in which Andy tells his friend Red, “I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living. Or get busy dying.”
And so I made my choice. To get busy living by breaking through the silence.
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My pals came through like champs. Hundreds of them responded with comments to my social media posting. They weren’t always politically correct in their wording and didn’t use the counseling jargon of Dr. Phil.
It didn’t matter.
They talked to me as a friend. Those guys and gals had my back and were there for me. That is what has made all the difference.
It wasn’t just my pals. It was my family, too. As well as folks from the communities of central Phoenix, Northwest Indiana and throughout the country that have rallied behind me.
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Speaking up about rape saved my life
I’ve now received the written messages of incredible support from more than 30,000 individuals who heard me speak up about the vicious rape I experienced.
That overwhelming ground swell of support encouraged me to give a TEDx talk in 2017, testify before an Arizona Senate Judiciary Committee two years later on legislation to secure greater protection for sex assault victims, and to give inspirational presentations at dozens of events and colleges all over Arizona and the rest of the country.
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I did not choose sexual assault. But I am most definitely choosing how to respond to it – with a determined voice. And that helps me find success, happiness and exciting new horizons in my life today.
I have chosen to speak about the rape.
I will die someday. But it sure as heck won’t be from silence and being misunderstood.
Ron Blake (rblake5551@hotmail.com), a member of the speakers bureau of the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, is director of the American PTSD Association. This column first published on azcentral.com
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This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: Rape happens to men. It happened to me. Telling my story saved my life
