Springfield parents share their foster, adoption stories during National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month, and Lutheran Family and Child Services celebrated by hosting an adoption story time and craft event at the library this week.

Arranging a get-together at the library was not a hard decision for Tina Miller, LFCS adoption coordinator and adoptive parent: She and her daughters always loved going to the library when they were younger.

"I thought what a perfect opportunity to make a community connection and give them a place to gather around," Miller said.

LFCS is a nonprofit that, among other things, facilitates private adoptions in Southwest Missouri. In 2022, the organization conducted 27 private adoptions.

However, that is only a fraction of the children who are waiting to be adopted or who are in foster care. From July 2020 to June 2021, there were an average of nearly 14,000 children in foster care each month, according to the Missouri Department of Social Services. In that same time period, 1,513 children were adopted from DSS.

While the Springfield residents the News-Leader spoke to for this article both adopted younger children, it's important to note that children of all ages are in the foster system.

According to the United States Department of Health and Human Services' Children's Bureau, more than 20% of children waiting for adoption in 2021 were between the ages of 13 and 17. The average age of all children waiting to be adopted at that time was 7-and-a-half years old.

The idea that there are so many children needing homes in the United States sometimes causes confusion with those Miller has worked with.

"It’ll be up to two years or more that you wait to be matched. There’s a cognitive dissonance of 'Wait, I thought there were lots of children waiting to be matched,'" Miller said.

She estimates that across the US, there are 40 or 50 families for every one child that's placed as an infant in adoption.

More: New health department program will offer home visits to all new parents in Greene County

Foster-to-adopt is 'not for the faint of heart' but 'I would do it again in a heartbeat'

For Emily Letterman, the road leading to foster care and adopting her daughter was one filled with heartbreak: She and her husband struggled with fertility issues, were listed as potential adoptive parents with one private agency for over a year to no avail, and then went to another agency, where they were matched with a birth mother but the adoption failed.

So the Lettermans looked into foster care. Preparing for that was in and of itself a challenge, involving a home visit, pre-service training to become licensed foster parents and then 30 hours of training every two years to maintain their license.

While in private adoptions biological parents have often come to terms with the situation, it's almost never something that has been chosen by biological parents in foster care.

"One of the things they teach you during adoption training is that on adoption day, the best day of your life is the worst of somebody else’s life, because right then and there it means they no longer have their biological child. It’s really a bittersweet moment," Letterman said.

For foster care, the end goal is always re-unifying the child with their birth parents, up until the day in court terminating the birth parent's parental rights. Things can change "at the drop of a hat." Even after parental rights are terminated, the child's birth parents can appeal the decision.

She emphasized that between the training and the unknowns, "foster-to-adopt is not for the faint of heart, I will tell you that."

While the state covers all costs when people foster to adopt, from lawyers to diapers and formula, Letterman clarified that there is still a cost.

"I like to say it’s monetarily free; it’s not mentally free. A private adoption is much more mentally friendly than a foster-to-adopt process," Letterman said. "All that being said, it was arduous and stressful and full of anxiety, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because we have a wonderful daughter now."

It took "only" two years — what Letterman says is the bare minimum — and their time from the termination of parental rights to adoption was about three months. Their daughter, who they fostered since she was an infant, is now three-and-a-half years old.

The Lettermans keep in contact with their daughter's biological grandparents, meeting up for playdates and sending them pictures all the time.

'The waiting, for adoptive families, is the hardest part'

Micaela Hill and her husband, Tanner, had a biological daughter when they began considering adoption.

"Just through life situations, we decided it was best for our family to look into adoption," Micaela Hill said.

For two and a half years, the Hills were on a waiting family list with LCFS. In June 2023, they got a call about their baby boy, Hayes, and will finalize his adoption in February.

Right now, Hill says, is the "easy" part. "The waiting, for adoptive families, is the hardest part — it’s the unknown. When am I going to get that call?"

When LCFS works with expecting parents who are considering adoption, the organization tries to do whatever it can to help improve their lives.

"We try to be really careful that it’s not a decision being made out of desperation, so we try to stabilize the living situation so (parents) no longer feel like it’s their only option," Miller said. "Sometimes they still choose to parent after their life is more stable and sometimes women continue to choose an adoption plan."

But Hill says the two-and-a-half years of waiting and uncertainty were worth it in the end.

"Through the wait, and how much sadness and tears and everything through that process, once (Hayes) was brought into our lives — when you know, you know. It’s meant for you for a reason," Hill said. "The second we met him we were like, 'This all makes sense.'"

While Hayes' biological parents aren't in his life at the moment, Hill said that they've been growing their relationship with his biological sister and her adoptive mother.

"It’s really special. It’s just kind of fun. He obviously doesn’t know what’s happening, but (we're) just kind of growing that relationship."

What these adoptive parents want people to know

Adoptions are far different than they were in the past, Miller explained. While previously a child might not have learned they were adopted until they were an adult, there's a focus on openness now.

"They may always grow up knowing the names of their birth parents or that they have birth siblings, but they may not know the circumstances that led to their adoption placement until they’re old enough to accept that information," Miller said. "We encourage families to be open with their children, to keep that door open to their curiosity and during times that they are struggling with their identity or their story, instead of feeling like they’re going to hurt somebody’s feelings if they want to know more about themselves."

Miller also hopes that openness and knowledge will help the general public learn more respectful language around adoption.

"Referring to birth parents as 'real parents' really rubs me the wrong way," Miller said. "The people who provide care to children and love them are parents."

Currently, there are over 390,000 children in foster care, according to the DHSS Bureau of Children. Letterman encourages people who are unsure about fostering to take the plunge.

"For anybody who’s on the fence about fostering or foster-to-adopt, it’s hard, but it’s worth it. You will never regret helping a child and there are so many children in the foster program in the state of Missouri," Letterman said. "So many older children that just need someone to be there for them."

Hill says the same thing about adoption.

"Make the jump. It’s challenging and it’s not an easy process but once it happens, it all makes sense," Hill said. "It all pays off in the end."

Susan Szuch is the health and public policy reporter for the Springfield News-Leader. Follow her on X, formerly known as Twitter, at @szuchsm. Story idea? Email her at sszuch@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on Springfield News-Leader: For National Adoption month, Springfield parents share their stories