Stephen Colbert: ‘Britney told the judge: they’re not that innocent’

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert kicked off Thursday’s Late Show with news that a New York appellate court suspended the law license of infamous Trump acolyte Rudy Giuliani for peddling “demonstrably false and misleading statements to the courts, lawmakers and the public at large in his capacity as lawyer for Donald J Trump”.

“This is a dramatic fall from grace,” said Colbert. “In the city he was famously the mayor of, Rudy Giuliani can no longer practice law. And if the last year has proven anything, it’s that when it comes to law, Rudy needs a lot of practice.”

“Giuliani was America’s mayor!” he continued. “Before that, he was the crusading federal prosecutor who busted up La Cosa Nostra. Now he’s lost his career. How’s he going to eat? And, more likely, drink?

“Well, if he needs cash, he can always sell the fracking rights to his skull,” Colbert joked over an infamous photo of hair dye running down Giuliani’s temples as he baselessly disputed the validity of the 2020 election.

Related: Colbert on Republicans blocking voting rights bill: ‘A lot of stupid explanations’

Later, Colbert touched on the shocking testimony by pop star Britney Spears at a court hearing on Wednesday. In an emotional 24-plus minute speech, Spears called for an end to the “abusive” conservatorship that has governed her life since 2008, claiming that she had been intimidated and punished by her father and management team, who “should be in jail”.

“That’s right, Britney told the judge, ‘they’re not that innocent,’” sang Colbert.

“Here’s how messed up this situation is,” Colbert continued: because Spears doesn’t have control over her own money, she has to pay for both legal teams, including the lawyers arguing against her wishes in court. “That is insane!” Colbert exclaimed. “Everyone in her life is profiting from keeping her in this situation.

“Britney had a clear request for the judge: ‘I just want my life back. And it’s been 13 years. And it’s enough.’”

“It’s enough, and I have something to say to the court,” Colbert said, whipping out a stack of Spears’s famous singles: “Your honor, this conservatorship over Britney Spears is Toxic. The fact that this is legal is Criminal. Everytime I think of the Circus around her, I Scream and Shout, because this is Crazy. Britney is saying I Wanna Go because all these people want a Piece of Me, but the response is just Gimme More. Britney, Don’t Cry, you are Stronger than these Womanizers and we are Lucky to have you. Jamie Spears, your daughter deserves to be in control of her own Work, Bitch. And anyone who doesn’t think so is Crazy. Oh, I already used that one? Well, Oops … I Did It Again.”

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers also riffed on New York’s suspension of Giuliani’s law license. “I mean, I’m just shocked to find out Rudy had a law license. I bet Rudy was too,” he quipped.

“So Rudy can’t practice law in New York any more – not that he really was before,” he continued. “I mean, I imagine the only reason to procure Rudy’s legal services would be to have a lawyer who’s guiltier than you are.

“Republicans have made it clear, over and over, that they consider Trump the leader of their party,” Meyers later added, “although there have been some suspiciously self-serving leaks to the media about two Trump family members in particular who are supposedly distancing themselves from the former president.”

That would be Trump’s daughter Ivanka and her husband, former senior adviser Jared Kushner, who are reportedly tiring of the former president’s constant, false grievances about a stolen election.

“One thing I believe deeply in my heart is that Jared and Ivanka would break from Donald Trump after he lost the most powerful job in the world,” Meyers said, imitating Ivanka – “you’re my father, and I will stand by you no matter what. Hold on real quick – they’re just about to call Pennsylvania, OK goodbye forever, lose my number.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“You know how we’ve been saying how pleasantly boring it is has been with President Biden in the White House because he doesn’t do anything weird? Well, today he did something weird,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Thursday night. referring to two moments during a press conference in which the president whispered into the microphone.

‘That’s the sound Jill Biden hears just before he starts chewing on her hair. Too much?” Kimmel asked.

As for Giuliani’s suspended license, the former Trump lawyer “could soon be disbarred, or behind bars, or perhaps both. But Recount Dracula did get a show of support today from the former president, who put out a forceful statement screaming about justice” as well as a bizarre video of support from his son Andrew, filmed in a parking lot and framed so that only his neck and head appears on camera.

“Is he like three feet tall?” Kimmel deadpanned. “The guy wants to be governor and he doesn’t have a single friend to hold the iPhone for him. Only the best people.”