Stephen Colbert on masks: 'Of course Trump says he doesn’t want to wear protection'

Stephen Colbert

It’s week four of the pandemic shutdown in the US, said Stephen Colbert on Monday night’s “A Late Show” from his home in New Jersey, and “government officials and health experts are warning that this is going to be the toughest week yet of the coronavirus. A lot of Americans are going to get this, and some of them are going to die. And I hope you know that you and your families are in our thoughts, and if you want them, you’re in my prayers,” Colbert said. “But I’m guessing that’s not why you tuned in tonight – you’re here for the jokes.

“So, here we go,” he said, diving into a monologue on Trump’s delusional optimism, though Colbert was slightly less rosy on how America is doing; after months of advising Americans not to wear masks, the CDC announced this weekend that all Americans should wear cloth or fabric face coverings when they go out in public. “We were supposed to be covering our faces this whole time? Oh my God, Billy Porter tried to warn us!” Colbert said, referencing Porter’s infamous retractable face shield at the 2020 Grammys.

“Given the sudden reversal, this new guidance is a little confusing, but on Friday, the president used his daily briefing to make it even more confusing,” Colbert continued. At a press briefing, Trump called the CDC recommendation “voluntary” and said that he wouldn’t follow it because he didn’t want to wear a mask. “Well of course Trump is the guy who says he doesn’t want to wear protection,” said Colbert, imitating Trump: “Masks are just the condom of the face – it kills all the feeling. I mean, there’s a reason I don’t wear a raincoat in the shower or a condom during sex.”

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers turned his Closer Look segment on Trump’s erroneous and irresponsible claims over the past month that the coronavirus would just disappear with warmer weather in April. Asked about this baseless talking point this weekend, in April, Trump dialed down, telling reporters: “I didn’t say a date, I said it’s going away, and it is going away.”

“Ah, very clever,” Meyers responded. “After all, April has 24 days left, and it’s down to, what, I don’t know, 337,000 cases?” Meyers said. (That number has, of course, gone up.) “And you did – you literally said ‘it goes away in April.’ That’s as close to specific as Trump ever gets. Usually, when you ask him a question, he waves it away like a dad promising his kids a trip to Disneyland while watching football.”

Meyers also criticized Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, for his mishandling of the federal stockpile of ventilators. Meyers described Kushner as “everybody’s favorite botoxed nine-year-old”, and “the real-life Jack Skellington, the fellow who’s always lurking in the background of every White House photo like a stalker who suddenly appears in the mirror when you close your medicine cabinet. The only guy in the world who creeps out Stephen Miller.”

Related: Seth Meyers to Jared Kushner: 'You’re not qualified to do anything'

Meyers focused on Kushner’s comments last week at a press briefing: “The notion of the federal stockpile was, it’s supposed to be our stockpile. It’s not supposed to be states’ stockpiles that they then use.”

“That makes sense,” Meyers deadpanned of Kushner’s argument. “It’s like my doorman told me: ‘The front door belongs to the building. If you wanna go to work so bad, climb down the fire escape.’ Seriously, it’s your stockpile? Are you writing your name on them like you’re leaving your lunch in the office fridge?

“This sniveling weasel thinks everything belongs to him because he was born into a rich family, just like his father-in-law,” Meyer continued. “I’m shocked we haven’t seen something called a Kushni-lator pop up on Craigslist.”

It all leads to one conclusion, according to Meyers: “One lesson we’re all learning from this is that, generally speaking, it’s better to not be governed by sociopaths.”

Trevor Noah

On the Daily Social Distancing Show, Trevor Noah addressed Trump’s unproven and dangerous claim that hydroxychloroquine could treat coronavirus. “Here’s what I don’t get: Trump is acknowledging he’s not a doctor, while legitimate doctors who could answer these questions are standing right there next to him,” Noah said. “Why are we getting his opinion at all? Imagine if you went in for a check-up, and there’s just some random dude behind the counter giving his opinion.

“Now, before you get depressed by the fact that America is being led by someone who knows less about medicine than Dr Pepper, there is still a lot of good news out there,” he continued. Numbers of coronavirus deaths in Spain, France and Italy are slowing down. South Korea, which confirmed its first case on the same day as the US, reported only 47 new cases on Sunday, and has fewer than 200 deaths out of a population of 51 million people.

But “maybe the best news of all”, Noah added, was that Netflix might drop a new episode of their hit documentary series Tiger King. “I guess this is how low the bar has gotten for what counts as good news right now,” said Noah. “We find out there’s more episodes about deranged murderers and people being cruel to animals and we’re like ‘YES!’”

Jimmy Kimmel

And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel reflected on Trump’s combative press conferences, such as a clip of Trump lashing out at an Associated Press reporter for asking “wise-guy” questions. “He’s right, though – they should phrase these questions in a nicer way,” said Kimmel. “Like, ‘Mr President, why are you doing such an incredible job of screwing this up?”

Trump also announced that he will not follow the revised guidelines from the CDC for all Americans to wear masks in public. “He said it would be odd for him to greet world leaders with a mask on,” Kimmel explained. “Which may be true, but what world leaders are coming to visit right now?

“What is the point of telling people to do something you aren’t doing yourself?” Kimmel wondered. “Personally, I would love to see the president wearing a mask. Maybe then we could re-dub his voice to make him sound like an actual president.”