Steve Bannon indicted over alleged fundraising scheme? Time for a fundraiser!

Following the great American tradition of people close to Donald Trump getting indicted, former White House adviser Steve Bannon turned himself in and was arraigned Thursday in New York City on charges that he – prepare to be shocked! – helped run a fraudulent fundraising operation.

Hard to believe that Bannon – a man whose entire vibe is a cross between “dishonest used-car salesman” and “person at the bar you should not make eye contact with” – might have been involved in trying to snow Trump supporters. He seems so ... nice? Who would imagine he'd promise all donations to his organization would go to help build a wall along the southern border and then, according to the indictment, completely break that promise?

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg and New York Attorney General Letitia James announced the charges against Bannon, which include money laundering, fraud and conspiracy relating to a fundraising organization called “We Build the Wall.”

Please help us pay for the wall that Mexico was supposed to pay for

That organization promised it would use all donations to help finish Trump’s wall along the United States’ border with Mexico, which was funny because Trump repeatedly promised Mexico would pay for the wall. He also said in 2021 that the “wall is almost complete,” which one would think negates the need for “We” to “Build the Wall,” but of course the wall wasn’t actually built so … whatever.

According to the indictment, despite repeated promises that no money from donations would go the group’s leadership, hundreds of thousands of dollars were funneled off through “various third party entities” and given to the head of the organization, listed in the indictment as “Unindicted Co-Conspirator 1.”

Trump's pardon doesn't help Bannon in New York case

Bannon was indicted on federal charges related to this same alleged scheme in 2020, wildly proclaimed his innocence and was pardoned by Trump before he (barely) left office.

But the pardon has no impact on state investigations, so now Bannon’s back in the legal hot seat, accused by Bragg of being “the architect of a multimillion dollar scheme to defraud thousands of donors across the country.” Which kind of makes sense, because if you pay attention to Bannon for even five minutes – and I strongly recommend you not do that – you tend to think things like, “I could really see this guy being the architect of a multimillion dollar scheme to defraud thousands of donors across the country.”

And if you pay attention to all the Trumpian "fundraisers," this alleged scheme by Bannon certainly seems to track.

With Trump and Bannon, it's one pattern after another

Donate money so we can “LOCK HER UP!” The “HER” in that phrase remains notably not locked up, so where did that money go?

Donate and support Trump so he can “BUILD THE WALL!” – the one Mexico will undoubtedly pay for. Then when the wall is not built, donate to Bannon’s “We Build the Wall.”

Donate so Trump can prove there was a “RIGGED ELECTION!” Still awaiting evidence of a rigged election. And according to a New York Times report Thursday: “A federal grand jury in Washington is examining the formation of – and spending by – a super PAC created by Donald J. Trump after his loss in the 2020 election as he was raising millions of dollars by baselessly asserting that the results had been marred by widespread voting fraud.”

It’s almost like there’s a pattern here, but I can’t quite nail it down.

Time to fundraise over being indicted for fundraising!

Oh, wait a minute, I’ve got it! Now that he has been indicted (again), Bannon has a surefire way to raise money. I imagine it will go a little something like this:

Greetings, fellow patriots, I'm Steve Bannon, and I need your help to keep the RADICAL libs from imprisoning me for the crime of loving Donald Trump and America. As you may have heard, leftist prosecutors in New York have indicted me. Well, I’m here to tell you that I’m 100% innocent and this is nothing but another WITCH HUNT aimed at hurting REAL AMERICANS like you.

To help me battle the DEEP STATE, I’m asking you to make a donation to my new organization “We Build the Wall Around Steve – Definitely Legit.” With your donation of $25 or more, we can successfully build a secure and beautiful wall around me so I can hide from the police until Donald Trump is reinstated as president and sends the Marines to arrest the New York attorney general and the Manhattan district attorney.

I guarantee every penny you donate will go ONLY to build this wall around me – probably brick – and to pay for a few items that go inside the wall, like a comfortable chair, a mid-sized yacht and a safe where I can keep information on the offshore accounts that your money will definitely not be going into.

You know me, and you know how much I love the MAGA movement and its robust fundraising opportunities. So please, if you love Donald Trump and America, donate today to “We Build the Wall Around Steve - Definitely Legit.”

Thank you, and God bless. (Remember, He will bless you more if you double your donation.)

More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

If the GOP is ready to rebrand, here are my ideas for a post-MAGA party.

Amid teacher shortage, folks who called them 'groomers' should say sorry. Here's how.

Quiet quitting is all the rage. But let's not stop there. How about 'quiet dieting'?

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Steve Bannon indicted again over 'Build the Wall' fundraising plan