I Stopped a Stranger From Dying By Suicide
I was strolling down the sunglasses aisle of my local Target when my iPhone buzzed with a text from an unknown number: “Dad, this is Mitch. I’m killing myself. I love you. Goodbye.”
My mind raced. I didn’t know this man and had no idea how to respond. Should I call 911 or text him back first? My gut told me to send him a message telling him that even though he’d reached the wrong number, I was there to listen to him. “I know you must be in pain, but please don’t kill yourself,” I pleaded.
Then I quickly dialed 911.
Within minutes, I met an officer in the parking lot. He took my phone and continued to text the man as if he were me. The officer was able to guide him into sharing details that led officers to the man’s home. Medics arrived before he hurt himself.
If this story sounds like a fluke, it's anything but. Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that 47,173 people died from suicide in 2017. Sadly, it is the tenth leading cause of death for all Americans and the fourth leading cause for people between the ages of 35-54. And in today’s tech-heavy culture of smart phones and social media, it’s entirely feasible that you may have a chance encounter with a stranger’s cry for help. Even a quick search of the hashtag #suicidal on Twitter turns up a shocking number of suicidal thoughts shared on public accounts.
The good news: A recent survey found that an overwhelming majority of Americans expressed they would take action to help someone who may be struggling. However, few knew what actions to take. “It’s critical we educate the public about the role they can play,” says Jerry Reed, Ph.D., M.S.W., executive committee member of the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. Here, experts help you understand how you can help if you encounter a stranger with suicidal thoughts.
Listen (really, listen) to the person.
Unfortunately, it’s common for people to use casual language around suicide—which can make it tricky to tell if someone is serious. For example, a colleague who dramatically exclaims, “If our boss asks me to do [insert mundane task] one more time, I’m going to kill myself.” It sounds like a joke, right? But that assumption is not worth the risk—especially when you don’t know the person, says Stacey Freedenthal, Ph.D., L.C.S.W., associate professor at University of Denver and author of Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals.
Many people who consider suicide drop hints before they take action, according to Freedenthal. “There’s a staggering list of the times Anthony Bourdain casually said in interviews that he would hang himself if something were to happen, and that’s exactly what he did," she says.
Or perhaps you’re just not sure if someone is serious and don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. Again, not worth the risk. Those who express suicidal thoughts—online or in person—are often looking for connection. And “to be ignored by someone who sees their distress can be wounding,” says Freedenthal.
Research shows that suicidal crises are time-limited, meaning they’re temporary. “Our role—the role of clinicians, friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, or strangers—is to do our part to help those who are struggling, navigate through the crisis until they can think clearly and get to the help that is available,” Reed says.
Be clear, transparent, and kind.
When speaking to a person contemplating suicide, be direct and ask them if they’re suicidal. “Questions like this open the door for a caring conversation about how someone might be hurting and how you might be able to help,” says Reed. “And know that you will not put the idea in someone’s head by asking the question.”
Recent research shows that talking about suicide does not cause suicide or suicidal thoughts. In fact, the opposite is true. Speaking openly to someone who is considering suicide reduces their chances suicidal ideation—and can even temporarily improve their mental health.
“If you ignore a person or shy away from asking them if they are thinking about suicide, you’re leaving a person to suffer in silence during a painful moment in their life,” says Reed. “Isolation and loneliness can be a risk factor, while social support and connection are key protective factors against suicide.”
Share resources with the person.
Once you’ve initiated the conversation, Freedenthal recommends offering up hope: “Say something to help the person see that what they are feeling will change over time and that their situation might change, too,” she says. Then, provide them with resources that can provide the guidance they need. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline (800-273-8255) and the Crisis Text Line (741-741) are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
“You can offer to sit with them while they make the call or send the text as a way of providing additional support they may need and deserve,” Reed says. “You can also encourage them to talk with other trusted adults in their lives—like counselors, faith leaders, or family members.”
Know when to rely on 911.
There are certain instances where you should not approach a person considering suicide. While online interactions provide you with relative safety, you may need to be more cautious during an in-person scenario. “The question is, will approaching this person put you in danger, too?” says Freedenthal. “If so, call 911 and leave it to the professionals to intervene.” For example, “if someone has a loaded gun to their head, then don’t approach the person; get to a safe place,” adds Freedenthal.
What’s more, if you can’t speak to the person immediately—say, you spot a suicidal thought a stranger posted on Twitter hours ago—it’s best to call 911. Officials can respond faster than you can.
Reverse psychology is never the answer.
“There are terrible incidents of ‘suicide baiting,’ where someone is standing on a ledge or a bridge and people yell, ‘jump!’” says Freedenthal. “Some people believe that if you tell someone to jump, they won’t do it." This is not true and—no matter your intentions—you should never encourage someone to commit suicide.
On a less extreme scale, Freedenthal says people often unintentionally invalidate, deny, or dismiss suicidal statements by saying things such as, “You don’t really mean that,” or “It’s not that bad,” or “Stop talking that way.” These statements aren’t helpful and can actually make the person feel worse. No matter what, “do not try to talk a person out of his or her feelings or express shock,” says Reed. Not respecting how a person feels will shut down communication immediately and may make them feel even more alone.
You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text TALK to 741741 to message with a trained crisis counselor from the Crisis Text Line for free.
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