The Surprising Caregiving Technique That Helps My Veteran Husband Thrive

Photo credit: Jason Varney
Photo credit: Jason Varney

From Woman's Day

When I met Thomas in 2005, he was 100% dedicated to his country. I loved his sense of focus and discipline, which came from his 30-plus years of martial arts training. Our family always joked that Thomas would never retire from the military - they’d have to kick him out for being over the age limit.

After serving in the army from 1988 to 1996, Thomas re-enlisted in the Delaware National Guard in 2006. He was deployed to Iraq two years later and then to Afghanistan in 2013. We never imagined that last deployment would change us all so dramatically.

Photo credit: Courtesy Colleen Johnson
Photo credit: Courtesy Colleen Johnson

Prior to his time in Afghanistan, our family life in Milford, DE, was beautiful in its simplicity. Thomas and I went to local high school football games when our sons, André, Ethan, and Ryan, played on the team. We loved to travel and entertain.

During the last couple of months of Thomas’s final deployment, I noticed that something was off with him. Communication was always tough when he was away - our video chats were often interrupted by mortar attacks - but this was different. Thomas was repeating himself and forgetting things. It was hard to get a straight answer out of him. At one point, I was Skyping with him from the armed forces medical examiner office, where I worked. One of the doctors, who could see over my shoulder, noticed the changes. After the call, he said, “That’s not the Thomas I remember.”

When Thomas arrived home, we saw immediately that he was a changed man. He suffered from debilitating migraines, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) bubbled up during the two weeks after his return. His personality was different-he seemed angry, irritable, and hypervigilant, constantly scanning his surroundings.

Tech That Helps PTSD

As I sat in bed with Thomas day after day, I could see he was hurting. He needed my care, and I vowed that I would love him enough to work through the darkness.

Photo credit: -
Photo credit: -

Before I met Thomas, my first husband and I lived in Australia, where I developed a program to help people in rural areas integrate technology into their lives. That taught me to use the right tools for every situation, a skill that came in handy as our family began to cope with Thomas’s new normal.

In the years after he returned from Afghanistan, he was diagnosed with PTSD and a traumatic brain injury (TBI), the result of the repeated explosions. Because of sensory issues brought on by TBI and anxiety stemming from PTSD, Thomas has a hard time during car rides, so the 68-mile trip each way to and from the VA Medical Center is very difficult for both of us.

Photo credit: Courtesy of Colleen Johnson
Photo credit: Courtesy of Colleen Johnson

Luckily, VA Telehealth Services makes it possible for Thomas to talk to his doctors on the computer in real time. That way, he’s more relaxed, his doctors can see him in his environment, and he’s able to take in information a bit better. It allows us to really focus on the appointment.

Technology has improved our lives immeasurably and has lightened my load as a caregiver. Thomas uses the Sleepo app to help him sleep and to diminish symptoms of Ménière’s disease, a condition that can cause ringing in the ears. Exercise helps ease Thomas’s anxiety, and he uses the Strava app to track his bicycling routes.

Of course, we still have hard times. One of the most difficult experiences has been seeing Thomas struggle with memory. Some days his memory is very clear. Other times he can’t recall simple things. I can get frustrated when we have the same conversation over and over again. But I try to remember it’s not the challenges that matter, but how we react to them.

Photo credit: -
Photo credit: -

Every day I ask Thomas to rank his mood on a scale of zero to 10, like you do at the doctor with pain. It gives me a clear idea of where he is really quickly, so he doesn’t have to say much more than that. I ask myself that same question on a regular basis, because if I’m not taking care of myself, I can’t be there for Thomas either.

We're Stronger Together

Believe it or not, Thomas’s experience has brought the whole family closer together. André, 26, and Ryan, 20, live at home, while Ethan, 22, provides support from a distance as he finishes his degree. There’s nothing better than a FaceTime from Ethan saying, “What have you done for yourself today, Mom?” We always had a beautiful bond between us, but the closeness of our family now is difficult to describe.

Photo credit: Jason Varney
Photo credit: Jason Varney

Our community of fellow caregivers through my work as a Peer Mentor with the American Red Cross Military Veteran Caregiver Network and the Elizabeth Dole Foundation Dole Caregiver Fellows is also essential. It’s difficult for people who aren’t caregivers to realize the complexities involved. It’s such an empowering thing to have the support of people who understand what we’re going through and lift us up during the constant cycle of good times and bad.

Thomas’s injuries have changed him, but they do not diminish him. I don’t measure my husband against the man he used to be. I measure how he is, each day. I want to help him be the best version of himself.

I like to think of our life post-injury like a sailboat on the ocean. Some days the water is calm, and we can just float along. But for the days when the seas are rough, our support system, including technology, is the rudder.

Photo credit: Jason Varney
Photo credit: Jason Varney

This story originally appeared in the June 2019 issue of Woman's Day.

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