Surviving the Holidays: How to deal with grief during the holidays

JACKSON TWP. – In a culture that begins playing Christmas movies in October and expectations are high for nonstop cheer, the holidays can be difficult for people struggling with grief.

John Knox Presbyterian Church at 5155 Eastlake St. NW, will offer a free, two-hour seminar "Surviving the Holidays" from 1 to 3 p.m. Saturday. It is a ministry of GriefShare, a 13-week, faith-based, grief-recovery program.

"There are a lot of people who don't know how to say how they feel," said Diana Jones, facilitator of GriefShare at John Knox. "We tell them it's OK to cry and hurt."

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A GriefShare team will provide a survival guide, articles, real-life stories, and video clips to help participants reduce stress, minimize loneliness and discover a healthy approach to the holiday season.

So, how do you navigate what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year when you're feeling anything but?

Jones said "Surviving the Holidays" will help participants deal with well-meaning people who may not understand what they're going through.

"We give them advice on how to tell people who are pushing, to back off," she said. "We often don't know what to say or how to help. Sometimes, it's as simple as asking 'How are you?' Keep checking on them. Stay in touch, keep trying, gently, to see if they need anything."

Jones said that when people lose a loved one — particularly a spouse — they become a different person, even if they don't realize it.

"Make a new identity for yourself because you're on your own, you've lost someone," she advises. "Keep, but modify your traditions. Do something that you really like to do."

Tips to deal with grief and depression

The Mayo Clinic offers these five tips for dealing with grief and depression during the holidays:

• Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones for other reasons, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

• Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events or communities. Many may have websites, online support groups, social media sites or virtual events. They can offer support and companionship.

• If you're feeling stress during the holidays, it also may help to talk to a friend or family member about your concerns. Try reaching out with a text, a call or a video chat.

• Volunteering your time or doing something to help others is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships. For example, consider dropping off a meal and dessert at a friend's home during the holidays.

• Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones.

• Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all of your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.

• Stick to a budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.

'It's a time of reflection for a lot of people.'

Elena Aslanides-Kandis and Justina M. Gorman of Stark Mental Health and Addiction Recovery said several factors can contribute to emotional struggles experienced by some during the holidays.

Aslanides-Kandis, the agency's suicide and community response coordinator, said the pressure of the holidays can be too much.

"The mental stress that comes with the holidays, the planning, the preparation, the financial impact, as well as losing people that you used to celebrate with; not having them around," she said. "It's a time for reflection for a lot of people."

Gorman, StarkMHAR's coalition and community development coordinator, agrees, adding saying that expectations of perfection, often fueled by media, can make people feel inadequate.

"The idea of perfection around the holidays is a lot," she said. "People try to live up to that. It's not real life. People put a lot of pressure on themselves to decorate and spend time with people, and have a whole Christmas bucket list.' It's lot to fit in a short amount of time."

'You can be in grief and not know it.'

Jones said It's also important for people to understand that not all grief is fresh.

"You can be in grief and not know it," she said.

"I've lost two sisters and a dad," she said. "I thought I handled it well. But when I started talking with people in the group, it was amazing how well I wasn't handling it."

Jones said that in many cases, the pandemic has made dealing with grief even worse because so many families were unable to have traditional funeral services, which can be a significant part of the grieving process.

John Knox also has planned a "Blue Christmas" service at 3 p.m. Dec. 21, which marks the solstice, the darkest day of the year.

Jones said that after members of the GriefShare group suggested the Blue Christmas service, she reached out to the Rev. Nancy Conley, a United Methodist pastor who is largely credited with introducing the program to Stark County.

"I was doing some research and found out it's done quite often," Jones said. "I decided to put one together. It gave hope to people in my group. I would love it if other churches would offer programs. Because of this pandemic, people are grieving the loss of so many things — their loved ones, their jobs, and they're wondering about the next step."

Masks are strongly encouraged for "Surviving the Holidays," but will not be mandatory. To ensure that everyone receives a copy of the Holiday Survival Guide, those planning to attend are encouraged to contact Jones at 330-754-7476 or email at ldjones@sssnet.com or call the church office at 330-494-9479.

Reach Charita at 330-580-8313 or charita.goshay@cantonrep.com

On Twitter: @cgoshayREP

This article originally appeared on The Repository: John Knox Presbyterian Church offers Surviving the Holidays program