Susan Keezer: Music
Had I walked through a field of poison ivy, I could not have felt this particular itch more intensely. I think I have touched on this in an earlier column.
I enjoy watching television shows like “American Idol” and “The Voice.” However, I realized that trying to sleep after an hour or so of being immersed in them was becoming an issue.
It took me several hours to pinpoint the sting. The music was fine, and most of the contestants landed on key pretty regularly. The lyrics were the problem, the lyrics were giving me doses of insomnia.
I think 99% of the songs are based on “someone done me wrong” themes. “I can’t live, if living is without you, I can’t live … !” I think that is the song of choice for many females trying to win. At least I could understand the words.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I’m begging’ of you, please don’t take my man …”
For crying out loud, lady. Where is your spunk? Are you going to just sit on that sofa, in your ragged bathrobe, eating dry Corn Puffs while you plead with Jolene, she of the dyed hair and baked-on makeup that cracks and falls off if she smiles?? What happened to you? Now, if your husband is such a wombat that he is going to be entranced by a woman who wears a black cowgirl hat, has spurs crusted with sequins, and, with the intelligence of a weakened fruit fly, why do you want him anyway?
You should be singing, “Jolene, Jolene, please take this man from me …” then put on your glad rags, go out with your friends and see what the world has to offer.
It seems that all the female contestants sing the same lament: their men are leaving, have left, are packing their tighty whities or boxers, might be returning, lusting after the Welcome Wagon Woman, are flirting with their mothers-in-law or are in jail and writing to the next door neighbor’s wife.
Why would any self-respecting woman of any age want a guy this slimy?
The male contestants sing very few such tunes. Their music is more along the lines of how much they love their straying women, and if they would just call Uber, come back and go prone for some time, joy would be found. A few sing of permanently departed loves … taken too soon.
A lot of the music lacks lyrics that can be understood by anyone over the age of 13.
Or just lacks lyrics period. The blanks are covered with “Ohs, ahs, ooos, whoas and yeahs! Closed captioning calls these sounds “vocalizations.”
This music sends the audience into frenzied writhing, moaning and waving of arms. If I turn the sound down, I might think I was watching a religious experience.
I remember the Beatles descending on millions of acres of teenagers in the 1960s. They were shown on our black and white television screens stepping off an international flight with their quirky grins. Soon they were singing, “Love Me Do“ or “I Want to Hold your Hand” on the Ed Sullivan Show while teens were being carried out in unconscious rapture.
I cannot recall any of their songs bemoaning the departure of a girl or boyfriend. Did I miss something?
Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah!’” lyrics are clear and pretty straightforward. I don’t think any of its 4,333 verses bemoan the departure of anyone’s partner. But I am subject to error — let me know if I am wrong. Go ahead and prove I haven’t listened to all the verses.
I suppose since the beginning of singing, perhaps back when our ancestors scratched themselves in caves before heading out to hunt, there have been lyrics about life. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Grunt, in gazillion BCE crooned, “You are smelling even stronger of mammoth poo than you did six years ago, my pet!”
Are these current lyrics telling me that relationships are unstable, that the tectonic plates that hold couples together are shifting and, as a result, partnerships are breaking apart? That partings of the way are being reflected in today’s music?
Good grief. I must get a grip on myself. These are just songs … sung in competitions.
I am going to bed and stop fussing about all this.
”We all Live in a Yellow Submarine …”
— Susan Keezer lives in Adrian. Send your good news to her at lenaweesmiles@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on The Holland Sentinel: Susan Keezer: Music
