T GAMBLE: Auburn should consider the Nature Boy as head coach
Nov. 10—What has a longer lifespan, a monarch butterfly or an Auburn University football coach? Of course, it is a monarch butterfly as a few of them have actually managed to survive for more than two years.
On the other hand there is poor, poor Coach Harsin, who was just fired by Auburn a couple of weeks ago. Actually poor, poor is a very poor use of adjectives considering he will now be anything but poor. In fact, he will receive $15 million for being fired, $7.5 million to be paid within 30 days of his dismissal.
Coach knew this and tried very hard to be fired earlier, but Missouri would not cooperate and fumbled a ball crossing the goal line to save his job one week. He looked up and said, "My God, what more must I do to be fired?" Yet it took a few more weeks before he could finally cash in. I've never had a job that would pay me to be fired. They always wanted me to reimburse them for the sorry job I'd been doing, but then again I've never been a football coach either.
But now Auburn must again hire a new coach. Auburn loves to hire new coaches. They also like to still be paying at least two former head coaches when they hire the new coach. This situation makes the new coach feel relaxed, knowing that when he is fired in a few years he too will be hitting the equivalence of a small Mega Millions jackpot. I'm not sure I'd keep incentivizing being fired if I were Auburn, but then again why change something that is clearly so much fun?
For one thing, you can fire the guy without feeling guilty. Who feels guilty firing someone who will now be independently wealthy for the rest of their life? But now, my oh my, who should we hire?
Could it be Hugh Freeze? He has Liberty looking good, having just beaten highly touted Arkansas. But I don't want a coach who had prostitutes on his cellphone while coaching Ole Miss; not because he had them on the phone but because he was dumb enough to have them on his Ole Miss-issued cellphone. I can't trust his judgment.
Some want Baylor's old coach, but he was 0-9 versus Top 25 teams. He's out. How about Lane Kiffin? Well, he won't stay two years. He jumps teams more than Madonna jumps beds. He's out.
How about Neon Deion Sanders? He could get excitement going, and I'm all for him but I doubt he will come. Auburn is too conservative for Neon.
So where do we turn?
Well, when in doubt, one should turn toward history to see where they should head. Georgia took a young coach who once played at Auburn and named him head coach back in the '60s. Vince Dooley would win a national title at Georgia. Auburn took a young coach who once played at Georgia, Pat Dye, and he brought them to national prominence. We need inspiration and dynamic representation. The only real choice is, of course, Georgia fan extraordinaire, and 'rassler supreme, Nature Boy Ric Flair.
First of all, Ric Flair knows if you want to be the man you have to beat the man. Bama and Georgia, Ric knows. Ric doesn't mind coming off the top rope and ending with a Woooooo. He also doesn't mind a foreign object hidden in his wrestling trunks. Auburn might benefit from a few defensive linemen having a foreign object hidden in their football pants.
I can see it now: "Linebacker Johnson just laid out Tennessee's star running back. That was some blow there Gary." Plus imagine the pre-game locker room speech from the Nature Boy himself.
"I'm a six-time world wrestling champ. I'm styling and profiling, and so is this team. We going to wear 10 pounds of gold after this game. I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about myself, and a little about the team. Bama, when you're looking at me and then yourself, you're looking at second place. Georgia, at Auburn we driving a Mercedes and you'll always be driving a K-car.
"The rest of the SEC can just talk about the Citrus Bowl 'cause we headed to the playoff. Wooooo"
I know its radical, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And if that doesn't work, does anyone have Goldberg's number?
