‘We can’t lock our kids away in a bubble.’ After Rocklin sex video, how do we talk to kids?
A sexting incident between two Rocklin teens that boiled over into the district’s school board meeting this month has renewed a complicated debate.
How do parents talk to kids about sex and technology?
The birds and the bees were hard enough but the addition of cellphones, unfettered internet access and social media have turned that beast into a hydra.
“It is a common thing that kids today send sexually explicit material is a way that is akin to what passing notes in class was for us,” said Adam Holz, director of editing and publishing for Plugged In, which is a publication of the Christian-based Focus on the Family Foundation. “It gets spread and disseminated.”
“I think as a parent that we need to understand that this isn’t a one-off,” he added. “This is pretty common behavior and has been for about a decade. We need to be clear-eyed about this.”
According to a 2018 analysis in the American Academy of Pediatrics, 95% of teens reported having access to a smart phone. Time reported that same year that nearly a third reported they had received sexually explicit material on one. Fifteen percent reported sending explicit images.
To counter this cultural shift, Dr. Bita Rivas, a professor of marriage and family counseling at Sacramento State, said it’s really important to open a dialogue. And parents can start by educating themselves.
“Parents need to learn what are the tools that kids are using and what is their kid using,” she said.
Sexting gone viral
At the beginning of May, Ava Messina, a Rocklin High School varsity softball player alleged in a Rocklin Unified School Board meeting that a junior varsity football player recorded a consensual sex act with her. She detailed how he had shared the video through social media and direct messages. She and her family said the district has been too slow to respond and has not done enough while she has endured harassment and bullying.
Marty Munn, the father of the football player, told the board at another meeting that his son has been harassed, too, and both are at fault.
Students reacted, too. About 150 students and community members protested to support Messina those who felt they had been bullied on the Rocklin High campus. Signs read “we support you” and “educate your sons.”
How to filter media
Rivas said education also includes being honest when you talk to your kids. There’s a “learning curve” and being open and vulnerable about that with your kids can make that conversation easier.
In addition to keeping an open dialogue, parents can also make use of some online controls to filter content their children are exposed to. Software like Net Nanny, Canopy and Bark can help parents keep tabs on their kids’ digital activity.
But these are really just tools in a toolkit, and not a permanent solution, Holz said. As teens get older, we have to face the elephant in room: cellphones are here to stay and its how our kids will communicate with their peers.
“We have to realize we can’t lock our kids away in a bubble,” he said. “. . .We’ve got to train them to think critically now.”
To do that, he said, parents also must confront what kids are seeing in popular culture. A good strategy is to model healthy behavior and help our kids see us as an ally and resource so they feel safe talking about what’s bothering them.
“It’s really important to let go of that perfection is not our goal,” Holz said. “Sometimes our kids make choices and we freak out. . . As parents lets park our emotions and enter into our kids world and let them know we want to have a open line of communication and speak into the things they are struggling with. If there are some bumps along the way, that’s OK.”
Rivas said she encourages families to find the boundaries that work for them. For some, it’s delaying smartphone access and social media as long as possible, or checking their child’s phone regularly and put time limits on its use. to spend time together as a preventative measure.
She also encouraged families to simply spend time together to bolster a family bond,
“It’s important create the space when the kids are growing up to just have conversations, having family time so when you get to the teenage years that is a habit in the family . . .that family playtime is really important, that family connection. It’s doesn’t have to be a lot, it just has to be quality time.”
