How taking stock of relationships helps your career

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life?

For me, two stand out.

The first is being married. The second is raising children.

While these have been the hardest and most challenging things in my life, they have also brought me the most joy, fulfillment, and rewards.

Isn’t that usually true for everything?

I’ve been married for 36 years to my high school sweetheart. In September, Barb and I will have been a couple for 40 years. We started dating within the first month of our senior year in high school, and I guess you can say we still are!

We raised two wonderful daughters, who are now well into adulthood, with one having children of her own. One of our joys is that we are very close to both daughters, seeing and talking to them on an almost daily basis.

So why is it that I say that marriage and raising children is hard?

If you have done or are doing either, you know. Both involve relationships with other humans that can be fraught with innumerable perils. Things like selfishness, guilt, remorse, arrogance, stubbornness, and fear.

And what does this have to do with business, you may ask?

Plenty.

Relationships are complex even in the best situations. Business is all about developing trusting and long-term relationships. The better we are at growing these relationships, the more our businesses and careers will thrive.

Relationships may seem like they are either personal or professional. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter. They all require the same nurturing and development. And while relationships are indeed a “two-way street,” we can only control our own actions, behaviors and words.

We all have our own relationship experiences which include a fair amount of scar tissue to go along with the rewards. Allow me to offer some ideas on the best ways to be in control of your relationships by focusing on the “Be’s…”

Be curious

Throughout my life, I’ve been pretty good at offering my unsolicited opinions, judgments, and advice. That can get one in a lot of hot water! There were more times than not that I didn’t really know what I was talking about, misunderstood the point or misread the room, and/or my motives were mistaken.

The not so simple fix that demands great discipline, is to be curious. Simply out, ask more questions.

Your opinion may or may not be wanted. Your opinion may not even be based on fact! Try to get in the habit of genuinely being curious by asking questions like:

“What makes you say that?”

“Where did you get that information?”

“How does that make you feel?”

Then listen. And ask another question…

Be empathetic

It’s easy to make judgments based on our own worldview and personal experience. We humans rarely come to a certain place and time in the same way. Having empathy for others should be a given, but it’s not. We can get too wrapped up in our own WIIFM (What’s in It for Me) that we overlook the impact on someone else.

Empathy is a trait that I really learned from Barb. I wish I could say it was intuitive for me, but it’s taken a lot of effort to get past myself and see life through the lens of others from a deep level. I think we all have a cursory sense of empathy but getting into a deeper understanding of how someone else is feeling – and caring about it - takes work.

Funny thing, becoming more curious tends to lead to being more empathetic.

Be candid

You don’t have to be “brutally” honest, just honest. In fact, adding empathy to honesty goes a long way to developing relationships.

People can handle the truth. They may not like to hear it, but there is nothing worse than not trusting what a boss, manager, co-worker, client, or trusted advisor says. Those relationships don’t last.

Part of being candid also includes the fault of “omission.” We’ve seen it countless times in politics and likely in many a boardroom and Zoom meeting – the act of intentionally not saying something that is as damaging as having lied.

Be ready to fail

All my “Be” solutions are born out of failures. Scar tissue. Sometimes it was my fault, and sometimes I was really trying my best but went epic fail. Be ready for it.

By knowing in advance that we will fail makes it easier for us to learn from. Self-assessment is a great skill; learning from our failures is necessary for success. And that includes building relationships.

Be better

At times we’ve all messed up relationships in business. Sometimes they’re actions, words, and just bad luck.

Have you ever had someone say to you, “I’m sorry,” in a way that you absolutely knew they weren’t sorry? The “I’m sorry” with an exclamation point at the end is a clue.

Being better means the verbal apology followed by action. It doesn’t mean being perfect; rather it means that you are trying. Sincerity followed by actions will turn damaged relationships back around.

The summary:

Recall at the beginning my disclosure that being married and raising children were the hardest things I’ve done in my life, but also the most rewarding and happy. Fostering, building, and growing professional relationships is also hard.

We all will encounter people that are hard to get along with; who might be combative and rude; who are part of the circle of our career and business whether we like it or not. We can control our narrative and how we respond, and in so doing increase the likelihood that these relationships improve.

All of these “Be’s” will improve your business relationships with employees, customers, clients, investors, vendors, and board members. These same skills will also help you in the most important relationships with spouses, life partners, children, grandchildren, and friends.

The first step of being curious is the catalyst to better relationships that lead to happier lives and business careers.

Dan Weedin is a strategist, speaker, author and executive coach. He helps small business and middle market business leaders and entrepreneurs to grow more profitably and create a better life. He was inducted into the Million Dollar Consultant™ Hall of Fame in 2012. You can reach Dan at 360-271-1592; e-mail at dan@danweedin.com or visit his web site at www.DanWeedin.com.

This article originally appeared on Kitsap Sun: Dan Weedin: How taking stock of relationships helps your career