Talk Back: AI Creature from the Black Lagoon
We used to be pretty good at scavenger hunts. Buttons, paperclips, dust bunnies — we’d find ’em all. But now the lists are packed with nothing but nonsense. Like a book made out of two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese … a Mac something or other. Or an apple you’re supposed to wear — not eat — that’ll tell you what time it is and open your garage door for you. Stuff like that is nothing but trouble.
Just ask Adam and Eve.
But years ago, we reigned supreme. Until that fateful day in 1979 when we were locked into a knock-down drag-out battle with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and everything was riding on finding the final item. A new manager for the Detroit Tigers. But while we were haggling with Baltimore’s Earl Weaver, the Jagster and Company nabbed another guy instead, and just like that, it was all over now. No surprise, of course.
Rolling Stones always gather Les Moss.
Speaking of moss, it gets pretty slippery whenever it’s sopping wet. Like when it’s covering the rocks we routinely run across while practicing for the obstacle course in “American Ninja Warrior.” The ones by the stagnant water that runs through the woods. We were doing that last week when our feet suddenly flew out from under us and we landed in the drink. And got covered with green, stanky pond scum. Which, now that we think of it, is a really cool name for a band. But dripping with putrid algae was the least of our problems. Now the AI machines are out to get us. And we’re not alone.
Turns out you’re pond scum, too.
Thus spake — not Zarathustra; that’s a space odyssey theme — but former Google exec Mo Gawda, who’s concluded that’s how machines powered by artificial intelligence will regard humanity in the not-too-distant future. If they aren’t doing so already. And just as an effective filtration system is the best way to get rid of scum, the Mo Man says now that these smarter-than-the-average bears have been unleashed from Pandora’s Box, they’re poised to engage in their own scum removal technique.
And filter humanity right out of existence.
The way he sees it, AI has had it up to here with rude, angry, lying social media fakes — in other words, pretty much everyone — and can’t wait to put a permanent fix in place. Now before you dismiss this as the ravings of some wacko tin foil hat-wearing psycho lunatic, keep in mind that this Mo dude ain’t the leader of the Three Stooges; he’s a top architect of the AI movement. So if he says Asimov’s Laws of Robotics — the ones about doing no harm to humans and obeying what they say — are all wet, it might be worth paying attention to.
After all, it was only last week that AI supplanted an Oregon radio station’s mid-day air personality — sounding for all the world like the real thing, right down to notifying a caller who had won Taylor Swift tickets. Well let’s get one thing straight. No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of Tricky Dicky AI sound-alike’s gonna Mother Hubbard march in and take over Talk Back.
Or turn us into a heaping helping of Soylent Green.
You see, our practice has paid off. And we’ve become most sure of foot on that mossy rock run—now super slick after last Sunday’s downpours. And that means any machine chasing after us — hoping to bump us off — is gonna make one big ker-splash. And turn into instant pond scum. So, mister AI knucklehead, guess who’s laughing now?
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time at Facebook Live and www.dougspade.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: AI Creature from the Black Lagoon
