Talk Back: A bad case of writer’s cramp

We knew we were in trouble the moment we walked through the door. It wasn’t the first time we’d been there, but clearly there had been an extreme makeover since we last visited the place for a new overseer was in charge. Gruff and cantankerous, part historian and part Marine drill sergeant, he surveyed his domain — all the while barking out orders to a nearby stenographer whose pencil had been worn down to a stub.

And it was only 3 a.m.

His scowl deepened when we handed him the obligatory paperwork — his eagle eye fixated on the document — inspecting it far more intently than the fleeting glance he had given the ones others submitted. Then his face turned beet red. Smoke poured from his ears as he began pounding the table with his fists. “They signed their names on the back!” he thundered. “Left-handed!” he sputtered, turning to the stenographer.

“Write that down!”

And with that the floodgates were opened. “He’s wearing a purple coat,” he shouted to no one in particular as somebody else walked inside. “And that picture on the wall. It’s hanging crooked. Write that down!” Then he caught sight of a woman at the refreshment table. Which promptly sent him off the deep end. “She’s eating ... doughnuts!” he snarled. “And drinking coffee. And ... breathing! Write that down, too!”

Poor fellow. He either thought he was George Strait or had developed a bad case of OCD. Or was it COPD? We’re always getting those two mixed up.

But It turns out the guy wasn’t a total wacky-do. In all likelihood, he was simply emulating the rich and famous. Like Aristotle Onassis, the big-time shipping magnet ... maggot ... something like that. His advice? Always carry a notebook. And write everything down. Yes, everything. And he wasn’t alone. Other movers and shakers were quick to follow suit. Like entrepreneur Richard Branson, Oprah, and JK Rowling. All incredibly successful and worth billions. Not too shabby a return for investing in a box of number two graphite and a couple legal pads. But Oliver Twiddledee? Who’s he? No one knows. And for good reason.

He never wrote anything down.

Experts say the brain’s pretty good at generating thoughts, but it’s only by putting pen or pencil to paper you’ll become smart enough to remember what they are. That sounds good in theory, but the truth is there’s so much stuff rushing through our heads we can barely keep pace. Either we run out of paper or the pen dries up. And who knows how much we miss while sharpening our pencils. Besides, following the memory connoisseurs’ orders usually gets us in big trouble.

Take what happened the last time we went to vote. The lady there demanded to see our ideas — only she must have been a bit old-fashioned because she pronounced it “eye-deez.” That seemed kind of weird, but today, what isn’t? So we handed over this big ol’ bulging binder chock full of our thoughts and musings, thinking she’d be duly impressed and amazed at our attention to detail. And what did she do instead but up and throw the book at us — bonking us on the noggins and leaving us traumatized for life.

But it wasn’t all bad. For as with Newton’s apple, it gave us a wunnerful idear. There’s something big lawmakers must address as soon as they get off their duffs and go back to work in Lansing. You know all that talk about banning guns from the polls? Fuhgeddaboudit. Ban notebooks instead. And to make sure they get the message, we’ll say it loud and clear.

Write that down!

— Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time at localbuzzradio.com, Facebook Live and dougspade.com.

This article originally appeared on The Holland Sentinel: Talk Back: A bad case of writer’s cramp