Talk Back: Detergent pods are a bad soap opera
Remember Murphy’s Law? How anything that can go wrong will? It spawned all sorts of follow-ups, including the witty rejoinder from a fellow named O’Toole — better known in some circles as Oh Yeah — that Murphy was an optimist. Well, we’re good at coming up with corollaries, too. And here’s a couple you can take to the bank. If you have a favorite store, it’s sure to go out of business.
And if you find a favorite product, they won’t make it anymore.
It happened just this week. Since we were down to the last box and a half of detergent — that meant we’d run out about four years from now — restocking seemed like a wise idea. Especially since we weren’t getting any richer and the price had already quadrupled since the last time we replenished. Not to mention the place where we’d always bought it was likely to close up shop any day now. So we emptied out the piggy bank and zippity-do-dah’d our way down to the aisle where it always was.
Only it wasn’t.
Instead of the familiar powder-filled boxes we were looking for — the ones the company had been churning out ever since the father of our country got into the habit of chopping down cherry trees — the shelves were instead lined with containers packed with pods. Yes, pods. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy? Now, having shelled more than a few bushels of peas and beans in our time, we know a thing or two about pods and how abrasive the exteriors can be. But tossing a few handfuls into a loaded washer and expecting them to get the laundry clean? Who in their right mind would do that? Everyone knows when pods become saturated with water, they just turn into a big, gloppy mess that gums up the drain, and sets you back a few thousand bucks on plumbing repairs, and … what’s that? Different kind of pods?
Never mind.
Years ago, some eager beaver door-to-door snake-oil salesman who looked to be fresh out of kindergarten stopped by, determined to sell us his carload of that new-fangled packaging — nothing on the market came close to their effectiveness, he said — and at just a quarter apiece, he assured us we’d save billions on laundry costs every year. He must have been part roadrunner, for he hightailed it out of Dodge after we told him powder only cost us 3 cents a load. No wonder the soap people have quit making the stuff we want.
We’re a threat to the high-roller lifestyle to which they’re accustomed.
The way the detergent-makers tell it, these polymer-coated contraptions have been scientifically engineered and space-age calibrated to contain an amount that’s not too much, not too little, but just right to guarantee maximum cleanliness. That might satisfy Baby Bear, but last time we checked it also meant going through five weeks’ worth of rinse cycles every wash day to get rid of all those suds. Who’s got time for that? Not to mention that even a cursory glance at quantity and pricing brings to mind only one thing. Blondie’s hit song from more than 40 years ago.
The Tide is high.
So now we’re stuck with things that look like gelatin squares or candy mints. No doubt it’s intentional. So kids will look forward to getting their mouths washed out with soap for saying things like “shucky-darn” or comments about more than one hockey stick. But the real reason moms like them? So they can con kids into eating their vegetables.
Because everyone knows there’s always two peas in a pod.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time on Buzz 102.5 FM and online at www.dougspade.com and www.lenconnect.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Detergent pods are a bad soap opera
