Talk Back: Great legislative spelldown goes awry
We got an email the other day that was so shocking it made our hair stand on end. Just the way David Lynch’s did in “Eraserhead.” Who knew that a cordless mouse could conduct static electricity that way? But the real stunner was the list of top 10 baby names the message contained. Names like Henry. And William. And Jackson. Each one spelled exactly as we would have expected.
A sure sign the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse were approaching at breakneck speed.
Far be it from us to disparage those who opt for unique ways to spell their children’s names. If you want to saddle your kid with “Jynnuffvphfurr” — the first “n” is silent — who are we to judge? But things were much simpler back when memorizing silly little rhymes was all it took to ace a spelling test. Things like, “Put ‘q’ before ‘z’ unless you are three, or you’re out baling hay on the dock of the bay.” Or the similar-sounding one that helps you remember how to spell “weird” correctly. That one’s all the rage in Lansing these days. Put “I” before “E” unless you’re a D.
Or an R.
IE, you see, stands for “immediate effect” — something two-thirds of the lawmakers in each chamber must agree to or otherwise everything in a new law — from money to keep the school doors open to a burger for your Aunt Floozie — dangles meaninglessly in the breeze until 90 days after the Legislature adjourns for the year. So whenever opportunistic senators aren’t gaveling session into adjournment while their majority counterparts are in caucus — how else can those in the minority party show ’em who’s boss — withholding IE is about the only way to bring a well-greased piece of legislation to a screeching halt.
And now you know why such unimportant drivel as making some retirement plan payments tax-exempt, bolstering certain tax credits and immediately issuing $180 checks to tax filers — despite having been green-lit in both the House and Senate — spent the past few weeks bogged down in the mud. After all, what need has Aunt Floozie of a check that’ll cover replenishing the fridge and freezer after a week-long power outage renders the contents fodder for a good old-fashioned case of botulism, when refusing to cave means she’ll save a whopping buck or two on income tax withholding instead?
So they all dug in their heels — irresistible force meeting immovable object — bent upon guaranteeing mutually assured destruction. Unlike the good old days when the opposing sides verbally duked it out in heated policy battles, then headed arm in arm down to the local watering hole and gathered around the table to hoist a few, knowing they’d repeat the process the next day. And that’s as far as it went. Sore-loser filibusters over immediate effect would never have crossed their minds. Not so today, when getting the short end of the stick means Aunt Floozie’s ricochet biscuit that don’t bounce back is just collateral damage in the fortunes of war.
And politics.
And so it was last week they threw in the towel on IE, with Republicans and Democrats alike declaring victory — each side convinced they’d succeeded in hanging around the opposition’s necks a millstone so great that come November 2024, voters would be so grateful they’d stood their ground in the face of the other side’s obstinate bullheadedness they would bestow upon them permanent control of the Capitol by crowning them Benevolent Dictators for Life. All of which proves that Elton John was right.
In the end, nobody wins.
Unless your name is Jynnuffvphfurr.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time on Buzz 102.5 FM and online at www.dougspade.com and www.lenconnect.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Great legislative spelldown goes awry
