Talk Back: New repo tech a nightmare on Ford Street
Horror movies are all alike. So formulaic and predictable even preschoolers could write the script. Which probably explains why there are nursery rhymes in all of them. They’re about the only thing those little tykes know. One, two, here comes a boo. Three, four, creak goes the floor. And so on. All the way to that idyllic, tranquil final scene.
When Chubby Checker leaps from the depths of Camp Crystal Lake, capsizes a canoe and starts gyratin’ around like a banshee.
It’s the first law of horror moviedom. After the boogeyman’s been dispatched and you’re all primed for a feel-good finish, it happens. The twist that gives you a heart attack and sends you to the looney bin. Where you stay until the sequel comes out. Then it’s twist again. Like they did last summer. And you thought we were making that Chubby Checker thing up. Sigh.
When will you ever learn, grasshopper?
Just about every great film has a twist. Like Dorothy clicking her castanets three times while intoning, “There’s no place like Rome” and then waking up as a scarecrow in Romney Marsh. Or Luke Skywalker learning that Darth Vader was really his second cousin twice removed. Nobody saw that one coming. But what really gave us the willies was the ending to “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” When — no need after 40 years to say “spoiler alert” anymore — the convertible top flips shut, the car doors suddenly lock, the windows roll up by themselves, and the thing takes off like a bat out of … Meatloaf. Talk about a twist.
Who knew Chubby Checker invented the autonomous car?
Apparently the Big Three — one of them anyway — are horror movie afficionados because near as we can tell Ford Motor Co.’s put the Chubster on their payroll. How else to explain the automaker’s recent patent application for some high-tech wizardry that’ll pin upon you the scarlet letter of shame should you ever fall even a millisecond behind on your monthly car payment. For the moment that happens, off goes the radio, down go the locks, and old Betsy starts beeping like the garbage truck that always wakes you up at 4 in the morning as it backs down your driveway. Only you can’t turn it off without first contacting your loan arranger. And since he doesn’t show up till 9 o’clock, the whole neighborhood’s going to know what a delinquent scofflaw you are.
And you thought putting up with the tell-tale heart was bad.
But wait! There’s more. This futuristic electronic gimmickry is capable of lots of other stuff, too. Like shutting down your key fob, turning off your cruise control or locking your accelerator. Meaning if they do so while you hammer down along the autobahn, the pedal’s gonna stick that way. All of which Ford acknowledges may cause an additional level of discomfort to both the driver and vehicle occupants.
You think?
Ah, but there is good news. You’ll never have to worry about dealing with the repo man if you don’t pay by the due date. Instead, your car will simply pull a “Nightmare” and drive itself there on its own. But before you get all worked up about this, relax. A Ford spokesman says the company has no plans to deploy any of it.
Ever.
So why not celebrate this happy ending by joining us down at the ice cream place. Where Chubby Checker’s serving up the cones. Chocolate on one side; vanilla on the other. Surprised? Don’t be. Haven’t you figured out by now there’s only one way this can end?
And that’s with a twist.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time on Buzz 102.5 FM and online at www.dougspade.com and www.lenconnect.com.
This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: New repo tech a nightmare on Ford Street
