Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times— em 🥀 (@uhhmmily) September 19, 2019
i don’t like the person i become when i’m tracking a ups package— daddy long legs xx (@ELLASCHU) September 15, 2019
the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) September 19, 2019
the last time i went to urgent care i checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies— oatly barista blend sommelier (@BUGPOSTING) September 18, 2019
Ok it’s 1am, finally time to stop watching tv on my laptop and GO TO BED and watch tv on my phone— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) September 19, 2019
I'm a capricorn. Of course I have a personal board of directors.— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) September 16, 2019
doc martens are business casual if you aren’t a coward— Furiosa (@babywasteland) September 18, 2019
it’s with a heavy heart I announce that I let another innocent bunch of bananas rot on my kitchen counter for 12 days— brittany🥺 (@Brittany_broski) September 18, 2019
now i lay me down to sleep— grim monte 🖤☠️👻🎃 (@KimmyMonte) September 19, 2019
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
me listening to the audio of keke palmer not recognising dick cheney for the 600th time pic.twitter.com/DEaRj5XYsy— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) September 16, 2019
Hormones: hey what’s up?— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) September 17, 2019
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
if jlo isn’t dancing to criminal by fiona apple in your movie sounds like we don’t need your movie— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) September 16, 2019
i am, and i cannot stress this strongly enough, drunk— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) September 19, 2019
7:00 PM in the summer: The night is young! Let's stay outside for hours!— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 18, 2019
7:00 PM in the fall: Well it's dark, so I guess I'll just get ready for bed now.
tiktok comedians: *teenagers making hysterical creative cry-laughing 15 second videos with no budget*— your supreme, dj franzia (@hawillisdc) September 15, 2019
professional comedians: how do you expect me to be funny without using slurs?
I got stung by a bee for the first time tonight and I just want to say: I feel proud of all of you to whom this has happened and you found a way to carry on— Glennon Doyle (@GlennonDoyle) September 18, 2019
Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy's.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 19, 2019
Fall is upon us. Eat some candy corn. Drink someone’s blood. Ghost that motherfucker. Get lost in a corn maze forever. Die in a haunted house...GET IN THE SPIRIT BITCHES— ℳ (@Love_bug1016) September 19, 2019
so wild living with my parents again like for example my mother just told me I have to clean my room “because you have a guest coming” and the guest is literally my girlfriend— kayla kumari upadhyaya (@KaylaKumari) September 19, 2019
yeah sex is great but have you ever told someone taking up two seats on the subway to move over— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) September 19, 2019
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.