The most savage Yahoo comments I received in 2019

People won't be mean to you online if you're holding a cute puppy, right? Wrong. (Photo by Cara Gilhula/Cara Gilhula Photography)

The comments section of any Yahoo article is often a toxic cesspool of vitriol, hate speech and trolling.

For precisely those reasons, I spend embarrassing amounts of time reading what people have to say about whatever I write for this website. The more sarcastic and lighthearted the tone of the piece, the better the reactions.

Last year, I collected and responded to the most hilarious comments that my writing received online. That article, however, was only based on four-and-a-half months of work because I was hired by Yahoo Sports Canada in August of 2018.

Based on the comments from readers on that roundup, people desperately wanted this to become an annual tradition.

I refuse to let my die-hard fans down.

So, for the 2019 edition, I spent countless hours scrolling through the thousands of comments in response to the nearly 600 articles I wrote and found the very best for all to enjoy.

Note: The dates on comments are based on when the screenshots were taken.

Let’s set the tone, shall we?

Article: Capitals' Matt Niskanen leaves broadcaster hanging, awkwardness ensues

Date: January 15, 2019

Damn, Napoleon.

On behalf of every single person that has ever read something I’ve written, I want to thank you. How dare I throw some cheeky words together about a fun moment that happened between a professional hockey player and NBC’s Rob Carlin. Frankly, it’s inexcusable.

I am, however, quite grateful that someone of your experience and status would take the time out of their day to provide a professional opinion on the matter. Everyone was on the edge of their seat, anxiously waiting for you to pull out a thesaurus and let the world know what you thought.

I can’t even imagine how exhausting your existence must be as the most intelligent person in every room that you enter.

Now, your comment is in an article that doesn’t just imply that people should “look at me,” the entire thing screams it. Weird, eh?

Thankfully, Carlin understood the tone of what this neophyte wrote and didn’t take it too seriously.

The paparazzi following me around is starting to show

Article: Alex Ovechkin absolutely destroys Hurricanes’ rookie in brutal fight

Date: April 15, 2019

Article: Doug Ford predictably pleased Don Cherry is returning next season

Date: July 9, 2019

Article: Canadiens fans caught eating from giant jar of mayonnaise at Stars game

Date: November 2, 2019

The context of these three comments doesn’t really matter all that much. That, however, doesn’t change the fact they hit hilariously close to home when I read them.

Anyone who knows me has probably had to sit through plenty of stories about totally gettin’ interplanetary on the regular while trudging through university. Picture four years of Animal House mixed with Project X and a dash of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. I don’t even remember what my major was, but I know for a fact that I minored in beer pong at Ryerson. There is no denying that.

Additionally, I’ve uploaded many videos of my epic adventures while mining green gold to a variety of online platforms. And while they haven’t exactly received critical acclaim yet, I feel the next one has viral potential.

One Opinion: Learning to love your biggest hater

As I collected the screenshots required for this piece throughout the year, one username continued to pop up time and time again: One Opinion.

While most Yahoo commenters express their hate occasionally, this individual is relentless and — for that reason — my inspiration to keep going. In fact, I would love nothing more than for One Opinion to see this very piece. If that were to happen, it would be a glorious day.

No matter the topic, One Opinion is there to provide, ah, an opinion. Here is just a taste of what this account has provided over the past 12 months.

Article: Free vodka could keep Blue Jackets’ Artemi Panarin in Columbus

Date: January 8, 2019

Article: Hurricanes' Andrei Svechnikov calls Alex Ovechkin best pound-for-pound boxer in the world

Date: September 5, 2019

Article: Canucks' Antoine Roussel vows to keep moustache if he scores, does so two minutes in

Date: December 3, 2019

Article: Kings' Drew Doughty explains why 'we need fighting' in the NHL

Date: December 13, 2019

On top of One Opinion’s regular zingers, there was a solid stretch where all this individual would do was roast me about a very specific article I wrote. Before the 2019 Stanley Cup playoffs got underway, EA Sports completed a simulation using its popular video game, NHL 19, to determine which of the 16 teams that made the postseason would win Lord Stanley’s mug.

Based on their simulation, EA Sports predicted the Tampa Bay Lightning would come out on top. Thinking the Yahoo Sports audience may be interested in this, I put together a little article based on their findings with the headline, Tampa Bay Lightning will win Stanley Cup according to EA Sports simulation.

As many of us now know, that prediction couldn’t have been any more wrong. However, after the Bolts were shockingly swept by the Columbus Blue Jackets in the first round, One Opinion constantly brought up my article as if I was the one that believed the Lightning would be champs.

Article: Alex Ovechkin absolutely destroys Hurricanes' rookie in brutal fight

Date: April 15, 2019

Article: Ryan 'Muffin Man' Reaves spites Evander Kane by changing Twitter picture

Date: April 18, 2019

Article: Local newspaper may have jinxed the St. Louis Blues ahead of Game 6

Date: June 9, 2019

Upon minimal investigation, it became apparent I wasn’t the only writer at Yahoo enjoying the wrath of One Opinion, the fearless keyboard warrior. One Opinion carefully crafts about a dozen insightful, eloquent and productive comments like the ones above each and every day. In fact, One Opinion has posted nearly 14,000 comments on Yahoo articles since the creation of their account.

With those numbers in mind, it wouldn’t be all that surprising if One Opinion wrote more for Yahoo in 2019 than I did. Too bad only one of us got paid to do so.

(Stan Temming removes his hands from his laptop’s keyboard and violently dabs multiple times).

Another year, another double-down

If you read the 2018 edition of the most savage Yahoo comments, you might remember a user by the name of TINY that hated what I wrote so much they decided to comment on the story not once, but twice. This user was so incensed that the words “let me reiterate” were used in the second comment.

It was incredible.

Well folks, I’m happy to tell you that there was a similar situation that occurred within the last 365 days.

Article: Doug Ford is predictably pleased Don Cherry is returning next season

Date: July 9, 2019

As TINY did before him, Ryan decided to post twice about a saucy little line I tossed into my article (to mixed results based on the thumbs up and down attached to each). At the end of the day, all I can be is appreciative of the passion displayed and chuckle at the image of Ryan publishing his first comment, thinking about it for a moment, and deciding to dive back in for more.

However, I do find it strange that someone who made it abundantly clear he doesn’t care about my opinion would care enough to comment more than once.

Just some food for thought.

The rapid fire round

Article: Capitals' Matt Niskanen leaves broadcaster hanging, awkwardness ensues

Date: January 15, 2019

This was going on well before I ever began writing for Yahoo Sports, Christopher. And it hasn’t only been the teachers of my past denying our connection. My mother literally asked who I was and why I was in her home when I returned to my family’s farm for Christmas this year.

Article: Goalie and skater throw bombs in a wild junior hockey fight

Date: January 13, 2019

This officially makes me the Pierre Engvall of Yahoo Sports, right? I can only hope. I love that guy.

Article: Ryan 'Muffin Man' Reaves spites Evander Kane by changing Twitter picture

Date: April 18, 2019

I see comments like this often. They’re far from original and quite lazy. Tim, if you don’t have a New Year’s resolution yet, consider just being better in 2020. That’s all I and everyone in your life asks.

Best comment of the year

Article: Blue Jackets employee hilariously reacts to cannon firing

Date: March 9, 2019

You see, Tim? This is precisely what you should aspire to. This remark by WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot? is everything I want in a comment. And for that, it easily grabbed this year’s title.

It’s degrading, cut-throat and creative. I appreciate the time put in by this individual to ensure they painted as clear a picture as possible. Yet, it remains punchy and concise. It is a masterpiece that I think about regularly.

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot?, I honestly can’t wait for your work to tear mine to shreds again in the future.

Reach out next time

I love what I do for a living and I truly appreciate all those who have read anything that I have written in the past year and commented — whether the feedback was good or bad.

However, sometimes the valuable things you have to say don’t get seen. Thankfully, there is a solution. The next time you want to tell me to get a new career or play in traffic, reach out on Twitter. My handle is @stantemming.

And while you’re at it, toss me a follow to enjoy quality content such as this down the road.

(Pun intended).

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