‘They gave me my life back’: How an Iraq war veteran found the help she needed to learn to live with PTSD
Paid for by Wounded Warrior Project
Lisa Crutch wanted to join the military since she was a child, when her father brought her to visit an older brother on base. The camaraderie and unity she witnessed there left a strong impression. “I was mesmerized by the uniforms and the politeness, the togetherness of everybody,” Crutch says. “They ate together. They marched together. They sang cadence together.”
College and the birth of her three children delayed Lisa’s dream to enlist, but she finally entered basic training at age 30. That sense of fellowship, belonging and duty to each other would follow her through more than five years of service, first as a reservist, and later, after 9/11, as a sergeant during her 13 months in Iraq.
It was there, charged with the responsibilities of military police, that Lisa and her crew escorted people and soldiers on a 50-caliber gun truck. Crutch made it her business to take the most vulnerable position on the truck, manning the gun on the back. “My permanent spot was to be the 50-cal gunner because I would never, ever, tell my young soldiers to do something that I'm not willing to do,” she says.
Crutch was injured on that very truck in an accident that left her with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and a traumatic brain injury (TBI). Both of these conditions come with lifelong struggles and, for Crutch, severe symptoms. The tricky part is that people can’t see PTSD or TBI as plainly as other physical conditions. For example, Crutch cannot smell or taste anything for the rest of her life, as her brain injury irreversibly damaged her olfactory nerve. “There is such a thing as invisible wounds,” Crutch says. “I have a lot of them. And they hurt.”
The challenges of coming home
While PTSD and TBI scars are less visible to the naked eye, their effects on Crutch’s behavior and well-being are undeniable. “Just because we look OK, does not mean that we are,” she says, of herself and other veterans who suffer from PTSD.
Just because we look OK, does not mean that we are."Lisa Crutch
“I have no problem at all going from Lisa Crutch to Sergeant Crutch,” she says. “When I came back to the states, I didn't know how to transition from Sergeant Crutch back to Lisa. The problem with that was that Sergeant Crutch was not needed back in the States.”
Crutch says when she returned home, the Lisa her friend and family knew vanished, and describes sitting up at night with her personal weapon in her lap, looking out the window as if on a fire watch, as her husband and children slept. “Every time I say this, it's just sick, but I would pray that someone would break into my home just so I can shoot them, because I was comfortable doing that,” Crutch says. “I wanted to go back to Iraq, because I was comfortable there. That was who I was. I knew my job. I knew what was expected of me. When I came back here, I had all these people pulling me in all these different directions, and I didn't feel like I belonged. I always felt like I needed to be on high alert with everybody.”
Living with invisible wounds
Dr. Erin Fletcher, a clinical psychologist and the director of Wounded Warrior Project’s Warrior Care Network explains that in times of stress, crisis or heightened anxiety, humans “go back to what feels familiar and what makes us feel safe. We all revert back to what we know.”
Crutch says the hardest part of living with PTSD is that it never goes away. “Just when you think you’re OK, you’re set off again.”
From sounds such as a car backfiring, to crowds at a sporting event or something a stranger says to you, there are different triggers for everyone, and many can’t be avoided. Crutch says what triggers her is hard to pinpoint, because she has so many triggers and can’t predict ones she’s never experienced before. But even if Crutch knows, for example, that Fourth of July fireworks are scheduled in advance, and puts on headphones to lessen their effect, she can’t avoid her body’s reaction to them. “As I hear the pop, I get very jumpy. It startles me a lot. And then in my mind, I start visualizing and going back to where I don't want to go,” she says.
Fletcher also recognizes triggers as a particularly difficult ongoing struggle. “You don't know what it is until it happens, and it's jarring,” she says. “Your heart races, you get your tunnel vision, sounds disappear. It feels like your hands and feet are tingling or going numb. It's not the same for everybody, and there's no timeline for when or if it's going to happen.”
Your heart races, you get your tunnel vision, sounds disappear. It feels like your hands and feet are tingling or going numb. It's not the same for everybody, and there's no timeline for when or if it's going to happen.”Dr. Erin Fletcher
While one can learn how to manage episodes better and recognize some triggers to minimize stress, there is no cure for the body’s reaction to severe trauma.
That’s where Wounded Warrior Project comes in. Three years after returning home from Iraq, Crutch found the help she needed through the nonprofit, known for its comprehensive programs and services aimed to help post-9/11 veterans find care for the physical and mental health challenges they face. As one of the country’s largest veterans service organizations, Wounded Warrior Project also offers resources for needs such as benefits assistance, career counseling as well as physical health and wellness training. Crutch says that while success didn’t happen overnight, the tools and guidance provided by Wounded Warrior Project helped her navigate through her invisible wounds to a path of healing. “The things that Wounded Warrior Project has done for me thus far will sustain me for the rest of my life,” she says. “I owe them so much for giving me back my thought process and my freedom.”
Helping herself and helping others
Crutch says her favorite program is Project Odyssey, which empowers veterans with tools for combat stress recovery. The 12-week mental health program uses adventure-based learning to help veterans manage and overcome invisible wounds as well as enhance their resiliency skills. The program is run in various cohorts such as couples and women-only, the latter of which left the most lasting impact on Crutch. She credits the shared community of women veterans on trips with bringing her comfort and reassurance.
Fletcher elaborates on how this camaraderie can help facilitate healing. “When you're in that space, you're more willing for the Project Odyssey facilitators to bring in some of the curriculum that we're teaching about how to cope with hypervigilance, isolation and feelings of sadness or worthlessness,” she says. “It brings them back to their service. You have your platoon, you have your unit. We at Wounded Warrior Project want you to be in a place that feels familiar, where you feel comfortable, where you can tolerate some discomfort in service of your healing.”
Don't be like me. I didn't think I needed help. I didn't think anybody wanted to help me. I didn't want to ask for help,” she says. “There is help. Wounded Warrior Project is always there.”Lisa Crutch
Crutch has also served as a mentor to other veterans on Project Odyssey trips, embodying the Wounded Warrior Project logo, which features a soldier carrying another. Crutch says she hopes she can encourage other veterans, especially women veterans, to seek help and healing from their invisible wounds. “Don't be like me. I didn't think I needed help. I didn't think anybody wanted to help me. I didn't want to ask for help,” she says. “There is help. Wounded Warrior Project is always there.”
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From Wounded Warrior Project:
If you know a warrior that could benefit from Wounded Warrior Project, have them reach out. Visit woundedwarriorproject.org/programs/alumni to learn more.
If Lisa’s story inspired you and you would like to support Wounded Warrior Project, consider giving to this veterans service organization committed to fostering the most successful, well-adjusted generation of veterans in our nation’s history.
