All those gift guides for men are wrong. These are the holiday presents we really want.

As a man, I feel it’s my duty to read all “Holiday Gift Guides for Men.” It seems important to keep up on the man-tastic things I’m supposed to be wanting.

Having browsed 123,547 of these guides (every online publication in America is constitutionally required to produce one), I’ve concluded that either: a) I’m not a man, or b)  the people compiling these guides are not good at their jobs.

Almost without fail, the gifts men like me are supposed to want include whiskey-related accessories, hot sauces and watches. Whiskey glasses that also hold a cigar, whiskey-scented soap, something called whiskey stones, which I don’t even understand. Hot sauces ranging from “ass kickin” to “melt your esophagus.” Watches that … heck, I don’t even know what they do – who wears watches anymore?

How about a guide to gifts men might actually want?

The point is, I don’t want or need any of those things. About the closest that these gift guides get to nailing what I – or any sensible dude, in my opinion – would want is a funky little tool that acts as a screwdriver and a wrench and a couple of other things, but that’s only because we can never find the screwdrivers, wrenches and other things we already own.

In an effort to right what I see as an annual gift guide wrong, I’ve assembled a helpful list that I call: "Rex Huppke’s Holiday Guide to Gifts Men Actually Want, Even Though Some of These Things Don’t Technically Exist (Yet).” (I’m still workshopping the title.)

Here goes:

A thing that finds the thing you’re looking for that you know is right in front of you before your wife comes and finds it immediately and makes you feel dumb

This handy gadget would eradicate the all-too-common, inexplicable problem of guys being wholly incapable of seeing things that are, quite literally, directly in front of them. On an almost daily basis, I’ll look for something in the refrigerator – let’s say it’s lemon juice – then yell, “Hey has anyone seen the lemon juice?!?!” Then after another 10 minutes or so of looking my wife will come along and point to it and look at me like I’m a sad little caveman.

My sons do the same thing. I don’t understand it, but I do know that a gift that fixes this evolutionary flaw in the male brain would be a game changer.

Underwear that’s just about to fall apart but never does

Any gentleman worth his salt knows that the best pairs of underwear are the ones you’ve owned for years. They’ve been stretched or even lightly torn and washed so many times they’ve reached the rare state of maximum comfort, like an undergarment nirvana.

Sadly, underwear that reach that point of perfection are only moments away from splitting into their component molecules and drifting off, I assume, to some kind of comfy underwear heaven.

So what I would truly like, almost as much as the gadget that finds things, is a drawer filled with underwear that’s just about to turn to dust, but not quite. Underwear that remains in that tattered state of glorious perfection … forever. Scientists just had a major breakthrough in nuclear fusion. Surely they can create eternal underpants.

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A switch that provides 'A Moment'

This applies primarily to fathers, though I suppose it’s a gift any man might cherish. It’s just a little switch that, when thrown, makes everything stop for just, like, a minute or two. You know what I mean? Like just for a few beats, long enough for me to get my head together, maybe take just a little rest.

I’m not asking for much here, kids. Just … just gimme a moment. That’s all.

A robot that listens to your kids talk about video games

Another one for the dads out there. This yet-to-be-invented device would be a lifelike humanoid that sits patiently next to your offspring while the kid prattles on about some new video game thing. It would nod its head and smile excitedly, occasionally saying things like “Wow, that’s so cool!” and “Really? Oh my goodness.”

My kids both loved the world-building game Minecraft. I loved it too, because it allowed them to be creative and do neat stuff. But the one thing they enjoyed more than the game was telling me, in excruciating detail, everything they had done in the game.

It was like having your soul slowly sucked out of your body by a weak vacuum cleaner. I’m pretty sure that on more than one occasion I technically died during the endless exposition then was reborn when I realized it was over.

The robot would allow me more time to appreciate my indestructible almost-falling-apart underwear while having a moment.

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An excuse-of-the-day calendar for avoiding social interaction

Let’s be honest: People are, in large measure, dreadful. But they are also difficult to avoid, so this calendar would provide the man in your life with 365 sure-fire excuses to get out of spending time with other humans.

I don’t know what these excuses would be, because I can never think of any in time, which is why I don’t get to do the things I really want to do, like sitting on the couch in my extremely comfy underwear while the robot talks to my kids.

That’s why the Excuse-of-the-Day calendar would be such a great gift!

Of course there’s the problem of finding the calendar when someone calls and invites me to meet up. It would undoubtedly be right in front of me, so hopefully I’d have the gadget that helps me finds things.

Otherwise, I'd have no excuse.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: An honest holiday gift guide for men: Skip whiskey, buy a robot