Time to welcome new batch of foreign workers to Trump's Mar-a-Lago club/crime scene | Frank Cerabino

News item: The Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach has filed a request with the U.S. Department of Labor to hire 91 temporary foreign workers next month to staff the club as housekeepers, cooks and servers during the upcoming season. 

The club was raided last month by the FBI as part of the government’s continuing efforts to recover scores of highly classified documents that were improperly taken by former President Donald Trump and haphazardly stored in the club in violation of multiple federal laws.

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Bienvenido, Bienvenue, Willkomen, Witaj, Selamat datang and Добро пожаловать (Dobro pozhalovat):

We are so glad to have you foreign workers join us this year at Mar-a-Lago to serve and clean up after the people who value putting America first.

We are looking forward to a busy season with many guests at the club, including possibly some who are not club members.

So, it will be important for everybody on the property, right down to the cleaning staff, to know how to respond to the arrival of unexpected visitors.

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Some of these visitors will be benign. For example, they may be curious beach walkers wandering in through the tunnel access, tourists who took a wrong turn off Ocean Boulevard, or Saudi intermediaries picking up packets of file folders from Mr. Trump’s office.

Just smile, be courteous and help these people leave the property after offering them a glass of water, a selfie, or helping to load the boxes of documents in their vehicles.

There will be, however, one group of unscheduled visitors who will require special attention on your part.

Unlike what you may have been told in your country, America has become a totalitarian state ruled by a ruthless dictator and his federal agents.

It’s sad, but these jackbooted thugs won’t even allow former presidents to keep nuclear-secret tchotchkes, lists of foreign spies on the U.S. payroll, and other cool mementos from his time in office that could be easily monetized.

Dozens of these federal agents recently showed up one morning at the club and spent the whole day cataloging and taking some of the neat national secrets former President Trump had removed from the White House and no longer had the need or clearance to possess.

And these federal agents are not through. There are lots of secret documents still missing and informants are continuing to help the U.S. Department of Justice.

We have to be ready for another FBI raid at Mar-a-Lago. And naturally, we will be relying on you, our trusted foreign workers, to protect the freedoms we Americans all have to share our national secrets with people like you.

So, with that in mind, here’s what you need to do in the event of another FBI raid on our Florida club.

1 — Immediately flush all toilets on the property.

If you find balls of shredded paper that don’t go down after one flush, flush again. Flush until you can’t read the writing on them.

2 — Notify your supervisor.

Quick notification of the federal raid will allow visiting elected officials to slip out the back entrance while providing an extra few moments to scoop the top-secret docs off the carpet.

3 — If you are the supervisor, consult the list of available lawyers.

You will see the master index of Trump lawyers lists the attorneys in three categories:

Trump lawyers who have had to hire their own criminal-defense lawyers (a big list); Trump lawyers who haven’t been paid and are seeking payment (an even bigger list); Trump lawyers who have recently been paid (both of them.)

Start phoning people from the shortlist. Keep going down the lists until somebody answers. If you strike out on the lawyers, call Rudy. If you strike out on Rudy, call the My Pillow guy.

4 — Be ready to lend a hand

Get yourself as quickly as possible to one of the document storage locations at the club. You’ll know where to go: Just think back to the places where you heard people speaking Russian, Chinese, or Arabic.

When you get there, be ready to act. This may involve lifting, shredding, or stuffing boxes of documents in unusual places.

If you are part of the kitchen staff, don’t be surprised if North Korea nuclear missile intelligence ends up in one of your ovens. If that happens, use another oven for roasting the capons.

5 — Should you be asked any questions, revert to your native language. Pretend you don’t speak English.

6 — If that doesn’t work, be prepared to take the fall.

It may be necessary to blame these serious federal crimes on somebody at Mar-a-Lago other than Trump or his family. Sad, but, oh well.

If you are asked to assume full responsibility for hiding the documents, take solace in knowing that if Mr. Trump is re-elected president in 2024, he may consider offering you a pardon.

The crime/club scene at Mar-a-Lago

In the meantime, you may also be eligible to receive a Trump lawyer through some creative anti-foreigner “build the wall” donations.

Whatever the case, you will get your full $11.96-an-hour pay for the whole day, even if you are hauled off to jail after spending only a few hours at work that day.

You’re welcome.

So, let’s get to work, doing your small part to make America great again. And remember, if you see something, say nothing.

Congratulations on being chosen to work at the Mar-a-Lago Club, America’s worst-kept secret.

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at the Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Mar-a-Lago importing foreign workers where top-secret docs were kept