Have You Been Tinged By A Racial?

From ELLE

Happy Monday and welcome to part 423,982 of the national conversation about race! I mean, the national racially-tinged conversation! So sorry. It is not about race and it is certainly not about r*cism. It just has a whiff of racial, an amuse bouche of color sauce on a tiny demitasse spoon. After the president tweeted incendiary, racially flecked things at three congresswomen of color, the international press descended upon Thesaurus.com en masse. Their goal? To figure out how to describe something we all can see but some refuse to say because there is nothing more impolite than calling someone a racist. Not even racism itself is more impolite than calling someone a racist. Can you imagine? As Dr. King wrote in his letter from the Birmingham jail, "Do things seem a little racially sprinkled here lately? No offense."

The New York Times used "racially tinged," as if race were the shade you had to dye a pair of pumps to match your bridesmaid's dress. They also claimed that Trump "fans the flames of racial fire," like he's the villain in Backdraft. Excuse me, Blackdraft. NPR and the BBC have used "racially charged" as if Trump was an Energizer bunny stuffed with white supremacy.

There's a lot of euphemistic tap-dancing going on, but as someone who has spent as lifetime tip-toeing through the tinges of racial, I am here to help. Here are some other ways of describing the President's actions. Feel free to use them in all your most polite casual conversations.

"The lawns of the White House were heavy with racial dew this morning."

"The president used a filter on a selfie with the new RaceApp."

"Trump appeared in a live-action remake of racial comments."

"He baked a cake of discrimination and used a homemade white supremacist fondant."

"Trump convincingly wore the wig of centuries old prejudice. Wig-makers say it was a race front wig that needed to be trimmed back."

"Later, the president removed his race front wig and sprinkled race petals all over the dance floor of racial animus."

"Drove the AmeriKlan made car that needs to be racially charged every couple of hours."

"Decorated his bouquet of hatred with a pleasing spray of freshly picked racial."

"Amazing! This brave, no makeup, unretouched photo gives a glimpse of the president's racial freckles!"

"President waved to old friend, Racismo Racisterman in the street."

"Molecular gastronomy! The President’s submission to the final challenge was a race foam atop a tweet that had been sous-vided in racial juices and paired with a dehydrated dog whistle."

"The president competed on the popular reality show The Amazing Racist."

"Category is: Racially Reminiscent. 10s across the board."

"Coming back from vacation, the president sported a racial tan."

"The President moved into a racial adjacent cruel-de-sac and joined the Neighborhood Associa-race-tion."

At a New Jersey boardwalk, the president sat for a racial caricature for which he did not pay.

"Much debate was had about whether the color of his racially-hued room was ecru or optic white."

"Practiced his calligraphy by writing whites only in impeccable script."

"President decries the NYC blackout for being too black."

"Trump wrote the book and lyrics to a new racially melodious musical."

"Drank a can of racially flavored sparkling water."

"Got bangs. Racially."

"Racist racist says racist things. Like a racist."

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