Tips for new Florida residents to assimilate quickly with hostile local population

Attention, new Florida residents. The natives are restless.

A survey of 1,000 Florida homeowners last month found that most of them complained about the influx of new out-of-state homebuyers, to the point where they were considering moving to another part of Florida or out of state.

Of course, they're not going to move away. That's just typical grousing.

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It has always been this way in Florida. Everybody who has lived in Florida has resented the people who showed up after them.

Imagine how the alligators must feel.

For people, it started in 1521 with Ponce de Leon, who thought he had stumbled onto a new and glorious land. Then he got a poison arrow in his rear end as a parting gift from the Calusa tribe, who were the existing Florida residents at the time.

And it really hasn’t stopped.

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The only new wrinkle is that the latest batch of arrivals have brought extra attention upon themselves by being such big spenders that they've spiked the demand for homes, causing many Floridians who are already here to feel priced out of the housing market and resentful.

So the new arrivals are getting blamed for it.

The survey done by Mphasis Digital Risk, a mortgage services company, found that 73 percent of Floridians opined that too many people have moved here from out of state.

As a full-services news columnist in South Florida, I feel compelled to offer my advice to you newcomers to help you quickly get assimilated here in Florida.

While you’re not likely to be shot with a poison arrow by one of the locals, it is worth pointing out that there are about 2 million Floridians who have concealed weapons permits, and that 70 percent of the Floridians who need mental-health services in the state can’t get them.

That’s how we keep taxes down. We use the jails as mental-health centers. You’ve been warned.

That sun and low taxes you came here for are delivered with a hefty side order of pre-existing conditions sometimes known as "Florida Man."

So it would be in your best interests not to call attention to yourself when you’re out in public until you figure out what’s what here.

In other words, fake it ’til you make it. Act like you know where you’re going, and pick up the local customs as quickly as possible so you can blend in as best as you can.

Think of yourself as participating in one of those nature shows that feature cheetahs hunting gazelles. (For those slow learners out there, you are the gazelles in this analogy.)

The gazelles that survive are those that can blend into the safety of the pack. Stray a little too much out on your own, and you become cheetah food.

So, here are my suggestions on how all you Northern transplants can blend in quickly with the pack here in South Florida.

Survival tips for newbie Floridians

1. Stay off Interstate 95.

The highway is mostly used these days as a racetrack for the numerous pairs of cars that play chase with each other. They checkerboard up and down the highway between other cars driven by people who are unwilling participants in the game.

This can be nerve-wracking for the uninitiated.

You foolishly think you’re on your way to Costco, but you’re really just one of those moving obstacles that the racers are using as they zoom past you on the right, so close that the whoosh of air moves your car sideways a little.

Do yourself a favor. Take Military Trail, Congress Avenue, U.S. 1 or A1A.

2. Follow the dress code.

Get yourself some cargo shorts and Crocs. T-shirts with giant eagles (talons out) are always in fashion. For women, tank tops and spandex pants that say “Juicy” on the rear end work.

If you’re a retiree, track suits. Gold chains inside the zipper. No Yankees caps.

3. Exhibit patience at the convenience store.

If you’re in a hurry, don’t expect your trip to the convenience store can be achieved in a reasonable amount of time.

Even if there’s just one person ahead of you in line, your wait will be considerable. This is usually because of one or two things.

The person in front of you is buying cigarettes, and the ability of the customer and clerk to convey which type of cigarette being requested from the wall of cigarette packs behind the clerk involves a lot of talk like this.

“No, not that one … to the left … no, the red box … the 72s … that’s it.”

Then the clerk says, “Can I see I.D.?” even though the customer looks to be 50 years old. He then takes a solid minute to fish out a driver license.

And then there’s the scratch-off lottery tickets. There’s an endless variety of scratch-off games. The tickets come in rolls that are numbered.

Customers can stand there forever, it seems, saying things like, “I’ll take five of the number 10. No, make it the number 12, and two of the number 5. … Let me see, what else?”

When you go into a convenience store, act like a local by gazing vacantly into the distance, acting completely unconcerned about all the time being wasted by other people buying cigarettes and lottery scratch-off tickets in front of you.

4. Avoid the neighbors.

This isn’t Mayberry R.F.D. You’re in South Florida. The guy living next door might have a warrant out in another state or has just bought his house with Dogecoin.

Best not to get too friendly, or you could end up being on the ground floor of his Ponzi scheme or too close to his property line when his meth lab explodes.

5. Don’t complain when it’s summer.

Yes, it’s unbearable in August and September. Don’t act like you just found this out. The locals know this better than anybody.

6. Learn the local dialect.

If somebody asks you where you got an article of clothing, say “Burdines.” And talk about pining for a Reuben sandwich at Wolfie Cohen’s Rascal House or a frosted root beer at The Hut drive-in.

You can say you read this in “The Palm Beach Post-Times.”

fcerabino@gannett.com

@FranklyFlorida

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Survey: Floridians complain about too many out-of-state homebuyers