Tips on how to handle tactless questions you don't want to answer
QUESTION: Recently someone asked me a potentially embarrassing question that I did not want to answer. I stuttered around without giving much personal information, but I wish I had been ready with an evasive, but polite answer. Any ideas on how to handle tactless questions that are meant to put me on the defensive?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: Oh wow! Well, I think simply let the person know that's personal. "Oh my, now that's a very personal question." That way you can call them out on their rudeness and then they can understand how not ok it is.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Was it a topic that’s on your mind and relevant to you, or was it a general one that you didn’t feel like answering in the moment?
If it’s the first one, you can actively come up with some responses tailored to that specific question. If it’s the second, you’ll have to muddle through. The person might have been asking out of genuine concern for you, so it is good to start by assuming good intent in the other person. If you find out later a more sinister reason, then you can avoid that person in the future.
But you can just shut down these questions with a definitive statement like “that’s a question I don’t feel like discussing here/at this time.” Or, shut it down with a question back to them “why are you asking?” Start by visualizing how you wish you had handled that question to that one person and then recognize you can adapt that situation for anticipated future ones. You don’t have to talk about things you don’t want to, and a well-meaning person will recognize when they overstepped your boundary. Just set one nicely and don’t worry about it.
HELEN’S ANSWER: People are naturally curious. They also feel like they are entitled to ask questions about anything they want to know. You probably handled that question as well as you could at the time. A friend told me that “why do you ask?” is a very effective way to handle that question that should not have been asked in the first place. The person asking the question needs to tell you why they want to know and then, you don’t have to explain why you are not ready to answer the question. Try it next time.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Chuck Ainsworth, Ainsworth Company and civic leader: I think the response to someone asking a personal question depends on who is asking the question. If a close friend asks, I would simply say, “I am not ready to discuss that at the moment. Thank you for your concern.” If the person is a casual acquaintance looking for some dirt, the response is a simple, “Why do you want to know?’ or a more blunt response, “I can’t possibly see how that is any of your business.” Silence and an icy stare are also very effective.
Customize your remarks to fit the situation. Sadly, rudeness seems to be the norm these days and no topic is off limits. Good luck.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: How to shut down rude, personal questions with polite responses
