Todd E. Brady: Lonely—not the way it’s supposed to be

Roy Orbison sang about loneliness in the 60’s. He sang that only the lonely knew the way he felt. There went his baby, there went his heart.

Orbison experienced then what the US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy recently described in an 81-page report entitled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”—something posing health risks as bad a smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Writing about the nation’s loneliness problem, Murthy wrote in the New York Times, “As it has built for decades, the epidemic of loneliness and isolation has fueled other problems that are killing us and threaten to rip our country apart.”

The Surgeon General’s report said that half of US adults reported feelings of loneliness and that loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 30%. The report also stated that those with poor social relationships were at greater risk for stroke and heart disease.

Isolation among individuals has been increasing for years. The population continues to polarize itself into segments—different interest groups, different preferences, different political affiliations and in the process individuals continue to isolate themselves, often in the language of “protecting” themselves from others or from disagreement.

Now it seems that a desire to protect oneself is actually doing more harm than good.

Much has led our society to this point. Writing for Complex, Trace William Cowen writes about what he believes has contributed to the problem of loneliness. He states “The average person in the U.S. is routinely forced to work themselves, often literally to death, for wages that often fail to cover even the most basic needs for modern life.”

Capitalism is not the problem. On the contrary, the problem of loneliness in our country has nothing to do with work or wages, instead there seem to be three primary causes — technology, COVID-19 and the dismantling of the family.

More and more people are unaware of what is around them as they are focused on their phones. Social media, in an effort to build “connections” seems to be doing the very opposite—social relationships are being broken down. Has there ever been anything so oxymoronically named as “Social Media?” Murthy stated, “There’s really no substitute for in-person interaction. As we shifted to use technology more and more for our communication, we lost out on a lot of that in-person interaction.”

COVID-19 only exacerbated the problem. After spending a semester in “on-line learning,” and then returning to our classrooms the next semester wearing face masks and face shields, it was obvious that things relationally were just not right. It was like eating a well-seasoned, juicy steak with a balloon on our tongue.

The fruit of loneliness has been sown for years in seeds which have been slowly dismantling the family. The breakdown of marriage, the redefinition of marriage, the ease of divorce, and family abandonment has only contributed to our problem. Research indicates that single households have doubled over the last 60 years.

Society’s prioritization of individualism and autonomy is indeed leading us toward greater loneliness.

On the heels of creation, God said “It is not good that man should be alone,” Genesis 2:18.

God’s intention is that we be in relationship. He has given us the gift of marriage and the family, and he has given us the gift of community. When we isolate ourselves, not only are we resisting the created order; are doing harm to ourselves.

In addition to my own family, the small group of people in my church who meet on Wednesday nights is a tremendous gift to me. We usually gather in someone’s home so we can have good discussions and pray together. Like the air I breath, those folks are life-giving to me.

Sure, we could Zoom or text, but there is something about making eye contact, reading facial expressions, experiencing body language, eating chips, laughing, and talking together in the same room. (For what it’s worth, I am never tempted to check my phone when we’re together.) I could call any one of them, and they would come in a heartbeat. They wouldn’t text or Zoom or offer “thoughts and prayers.” They would show up. In-person. Face-to-face.

I’m not sure what my life would be like without those people. They make life the way it’s supposed to be—a lot less lonely.

It's seems we’d have less of a loneliness problem is we lived the way God designed us to live and pursued relationships with one another.

Todd E. Brady is vice president for university ministries at Union University. Write to him at 1050 Union University Drive, Jackson, TN 38305.

This article originally appeared on Jackson Sun: Todd E. Brady: Lonely—not the way it’s supposed to be