The Top 10: Top 10s of 2020

Thank you for all your nominations and ideas for lists this year. The book Listellany: A Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, from Politics to Pop is still available if you know where to look.

Here are my 10 favourite lists from this year.

Inverse price-quality ratios

Cheaper is sometimes better.

1. Mince pies.

2. Tea.

3. Chocolate.

4. Crisps.

5. Water.

6. Perfume.

7. Razors.

8. Software.

9. Toasters.

10. Modern art.

Political slogans

“Get Brexit Done:” that was a cracker.

1. “Liberty, equality, fraternity.” Robespierre, 1790.

2. “All power to the Soviets: bread, peace, land.” Lenin, 1917.

3. “A fit country for heroes to live in.” David Lloyd George, 1918.

4. “A chicken for every pot.” Herbert Hoover for president, 1928. Ad in The New York Times, paid for by “Republican Business Men, Inc.”

5. “I like Ike.” Eisenhower for president, 1952.

6. “It’s time.” Gough Whitlam, Australian Labor, 1972.

7. “Not flash. Just Gordon.” Gordon Brown, 2007.

8. “Yes we can.” Barack Obama for president, 2008; although the Scottish National Party used it first, in the 1997 general election.

9. “Take back control.” Vote Leave, EU referendum, 2016.

10. “If it matters to you, then it matters to him.” Barry Gardiner, former shadow international trade secretary, who still uses it on his MP website.

Misapplied tabloid titles

The popular press sometimes gets it wrong.

1. The Coughing Major. It wasn’t he who coughed.

2. Canoe Man. John Darwin, who faked his death in 2002 by paddling out to sea – in a kayak.

3. The Russian Linesman. Tofiq Bahramov, who awarded England’s third goal in the 1966 World Cup final, was from Azerbaijan, USSR.

4. The Bouncing Czech. Robert Maxwell, the Labour MP and crooked owner of the Daily Mirror, was Slovak.

5. Lord Haw-Haw. Daily Express probably applied the name first to Wolf Mittler, a German journalist who spoke upper-class English, but William Joyce, hanged in 1946 for treason, became better known.

6. Piltdown Man. Skull fragments, supposedly found at Piltdown, East Sussex, of an orangutan and modern human combined and presented as the “missing link” between ape and human in 1912; exposed as a hoax in 1953.

7. The Tart of Gib. Carmen Proetta, a translator in Gibraltar, who had given uncomfortable evidence about the SAS killing of IRA members, was awarded libel damages from The Sun and other newspapers that had sought to discredit her by alleging she was a former prostitute.

8. The Broadsheet Press. They are now mostly tabloid (like a small pill, or tablet) in size.

9. Florida Phil. Former security guard Phil Wells was jailed in 1994 for stealing £1m from Heathrow airport, after four years on the run. Police believed he was in Florida, when he was really hiding in Essex.

10. Gorbals Mick. Former speaker of the House of Commons Michael Martin was from Anderston, Glasgow, “which looks up at the Gorbals like it’s Belgravia”.

Book titles from the Bible

How many do you recognise, really?

1. The Pale Horse, Agatha Christie. Revelation 6:8.

2. Moab Is My Washpot, Stephen Fry. Psalm 60:8. Also Psalm 108:9 (it was so good they used it twice). “Moab is my washpot; over Edom will I cast out my shoe: Philistia, triumph thou because of me.”

3. Strait is the Gate, Andre Gide. Matthew 7:14.

4. The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway. Ecclesiastes 1:5.

5. Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee. Isaiah 21:6.

6. Through a Glass, Darkly, Donna Leon. 1 Corinthians 13:12.

7. The Violent Bear It Away, Flannery O’Connor. Matthew 11:12.

8. East of Eden, John Steinbeck. Genesis 4:16.

9. Vile Bodies, Evelyn Waugh. Philippians 3:21.

10. Consider Her Ways, John Wyndham. Proverbs 6:6 (“Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise”).

Misnomers

But actuallys.

1. The Parthenon. It was actually the name of a smaller temple 100 yards away; what we call the Parthenon was originally the Hekatompedon, the “hundred-foot temple”.

2. Mountain chicken. Definitely a frog not a chicken.

3. Panama hats. Made famous by Teddy Roosevelt when he visited the canal, they were originally from Ecuador, where they were known as Montecristi hats.

4. Rock salmon. Name used by fish and chips shops for various shark species, including dogfish.

5. Chinese chequers. A game invented in Germany, given the name by a US company.

6. Elephant shrews. Neither elephants nor shrews, but more closely related to elephants despite being only 20cm long.

7. The Big Bang. Probably silent; the name was given in mockery.

8. Pont Neuf. New bridge, the oldest bridge in Paris. Newcastle and various Newports likewise.

9. Arabic numerals. Originated in India.

10. Eros. The naked winged figure in Piccadilly Circus is actually Anteros, Eros’s more decorous brother.

Underrated Harry Potter characters

A wizard list.

1. Cornelius Fudge. His policy certainly lies in ruins, to which his deceit contributes, but he is arguably also something of a scapegoat for the systemic failures of the Ministry of Magic and the broader constitutional settlement.

2. Madam Pomfrey. A real expert at her job; a strict warmth toward her charges; and the kids would all be a lot worse off without her!

3. Barty Crouch. His lust for power and draconian sentencing regime (brought on by having a real wrong’un for a son) introduce the concept of the blurred lines between good and evil better than any other character.

4. Ludo Bagman. He could be Gilderoy Lockhart, but he is more endearing, with vices we can relate to. His fall from grace feels like something from the muggle world, like Paul Gascoigne on a broom.

5. Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy. She saved Harry’s life in lying to Voldemort, and tried to save Draco via Snape; Lucius’s love for his son was more important than loyalty to Voldemort.

6. Dudley Dursley. In the early books he is spoilt (throwing his tortoise through the greenhouse roof in a tantrum) but he largely comes good in the end, realising Harry is a good guy and showing some gratitude towards him for it.

7. Neville Longbottom’s parents. Tortured and in hospital because they fought Voldemort, leaving Neville to be raised by his grandma.

8. Rufus Scrimgeour. Replaced Fudge as Minister for Magic and seemingly disliked Harry but was tortured to death, refusing to divulge Harry’s whereabouts.

9. Mrs Figg. There’s something quite selfless in her commitment to the cause of the Order despite her own lack of magical powers. Plus: has cats.

10. The muggle prime minister in book six. Could our own politicians cope with keeping such an enormous secret without it affecting their day to day job?

Words that began as mistakes

Etymological pedantry.

1. Syllabus. Misreading of modern Latin sittybas, title slips, labels.

2. Forlorn hope. Mistranslation of Dutch verloren hoop, lost troop.

3. Sneeze. Originally fnese in Middle English, the f misread as a tall s.

4. Sashay. A transposition of the French chassé, meaning chase, or a gliding dance step.

5. Madagascar. Marco Polo garbled Mogadishu and applied it to the wrong place, 1,000 miles away.

6. Iona. Misreading of Latin Ioua insula.

7. Jerusalem artichokes. Garbling of girasole, Italian for sunflower.

8. Culprit. Contraction of the Anglo-Norman phrase used by a prosecutor, meaning “guilty: we are ready to prove our case”, mistaken for a form of address for the defendant.

9. Ammunition. La munition in French, heard as l’amunition.

10. Brexit. There’s always one, and this time it was Harriet Marsden.

Fictional tourist destinations

Real places that have stories made up about them.

1. 221b Baker Street. There is no such number, but there is a Sherlock Holmes museum at 239, which is allowed by Westminster City Council to use 221b.

2. Platform 9¾, King’s Cross station. People queue for photographs at the sign put up by Network Rail.

3. Santa Claus’s home in Rovaniemi, in the Finnish Arctic Circle: one among many.

4. Standin’ on the Corner Park, Winslow, Arizona. Commemorates the Eagles song “Take It Easy”: “Well, I’m a-standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see.”

5. Tintagel Castle​, Cornwall. Alleged setting for the legend of King Arthur.

6. Windsor Gardens, Paddington. A small council estate that does not have a number 32 and looks nothing like the Browns’s house in the Michael Bond books.

7. Anywhere in New Zealand used for Lord of the Rings scenery. Guided tours of the Hobbiton set are also available.

8. The Friends apartment building, 90 Bedford St New York, NY 10014.

9. Juliet’s balcony in Verona.

10. Hundred Acre Wood. Ashdown Forest in East Sussex, where AA Milne’s son used to play, contains a Five Hundred Acre Wood, while Galleon’s Leap was based on a hill called Gill’s Lap.

Confusing abbreviations

Potentially embarrassing mix-ups.

1. ICC. A newspaper this year confused the International Cricket Council with the International Criminal Court.

2. BNP. British National Party or Banque Nationale de Paris (now called BNP Paribas).

3. BSE. Britain Stronger in Europe or bovine spongiform encephalopathy, or “mad cow disease”.

4. CCHQ. Conservative Campaign Headquarters, which was confused with GCHQ, Government Communications Headquarters, in the debate about moving the Tory HQ out of London.

5. ECB. England and Wales Cricket Board or European Central Bank.

6. IPCC. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (of the United Nations) or the Independent Police Complaints Commission (of England and Wales) until it was replaced by the Independent Office for Police Conduct in 2018. Could also be the Independent Police Complaints Council (of Hong Kong).

7. LOL. David Cameron thought it meant “lots of love” and signed his texts to Rebekah Brooks, editor of The Sun, thus. The rest of us laughed out loud.

8. LSE. London School of Economics (and Political Science) or the London Stock Exchange.

9. SAC. In the Royal Air Force alone it can refer to Senior Aircraftman, Strategic Air Command, or Supreme Allied Commander.

10. WWF. World Wildlife Fund or, until it was sued for trademark infringement, the World Wrestling Federation – now called WWE (for “Entertainment”), while the original WWF now stands for World Wide Fund for Nature because “wildlife” doesn’t include trees.

Unlikely names for suburbs

Exoticism in humdrum places.

1. Rhodesia, a suburb of Worksop.

2. New Zealand, Derby. (Although most locals call it Morley.)

3. Jericho, Oxford. There is a Jericho, Nairobi, as well, where Barack Obama’s father once lived.

4. Mount Florida, Glasgow.

5. California, Falkirk. There is another in Derby, and one in Birmingham.

6. Etruria, Stoke on Trent. Josiah Wedgwood named the site of his pottery business after the ancient region of Italy now known as Tuscany.

7. Freezywater in Enfield, northwest London.

8. Hollywood, Birmingham. There is another one in Belfast (spelt Holywood but pronounced the same).

9. Toronto and Quebec are villages in County Durham.

10. Lonesome in Streatham Vale, southwest London.

Previous years’ compilations are here: 2019; 2018; 2017; and 2016.