Satire: Top tips to track Satanic Democrats

·3 min read
Jim Carroll
Jim Carroll

This satire is by Jim Carroll, an attorney and Democratic activist from Riviera Beach.

Satan-worshipping pedophile Democrats are running a massive child-trafficking ring and drinking children's blood, according to various social media and many devotees of the former president.

Satanic Pedophile Democrats are alleged to have kidnapped hundreds of thousands of children each year, or around a million since 2016. There’s a viral report that 35,000 of them have been caged in tunnels under Central Park. Many also are said to have been trafficked inside storage cabinets.

Despite the million or so reported child victims, none of the Satanic Pedophile Democrat perpetrators has been caught.

North Carolina warehouse worker Edgar Maddison Welch has come closest to catching one. He stormed a Washington, D.C. pizzeria with an AR-15 in 2016 to break up a child-trafficking ring he heard Hillary Clinton was running. But Hillary must have caught wind of the planned raid and cleared out before he showed up.

Just as none of the Satanic Pedophile Democrats has been apprehended, so far none of their million child victims has been found. Even though we’ve gotten word where at least 35,000 of them are. There was a claim on social media last year that the U.S. military rescued the 35,000 from their underground cages in Central Park but Reuters exposed that claim as false. Which means the kids must still be down there!

When a child disappears, parents or police often come on TV seeking the public’s assistance in finding the child. However, no parent or police official so far has come forward suggesting that a missing child was abducted by a Democrat.

Why can’t we find any of these Satanic Pedophile Democrats, their child victims or any distraught parents?

For one, Democrats excel at concealing their misconduct. Want to know how to get away with something? Ask a Democrat — like Hillary Clinton.

Then there’s the far-left media, which has spread stories to discredit patriots who are working to expose the Satanic Pedophile Democrats. Patriot David Todeschini, for instance, has condemned Democrat pedophiles in online videos viewed by well over 100,000 people. But Newsweek and other left-wing outlets saw fit to attack Todeschini in October just because he himself was convicted of being a pedophile one time.

Also, law enforcement has fallen down on the job. I’ll bet some of them have been bought off by Democrat elites involved in the Satanic Pedophile Democrat crime ring and thus may have looked the other way while the evildoers have run rampant....

What about the parents? Parents distraught about the abduction of their child likely have been hushed up. People evil enough to traffic kids won’t hesitate to threaten protesting parents into silent submission.

The media says the Satanic Pedophile Democrat crime ring is a baseless conspiracy theory rooted in a centuries-old “blood libel” myth that Jews murdered Christian children and used their blood in religious rituals. The media is way off. We’re talking about Democrats here, not Jews from the Middle Ages. Baloney like this is why the media is the enemy of the people.

Bottom line: Believe in the Satanic Pedophile Democrat crime ring. Millions of patriots cannot be wrong. These evil Democrats must be stopped now. Law enforcement, get to work. Here are the Top 10 Tips to help you track them down:

1. Inspect tunnels and cages.

2. Check Democrat-shipped storage cabinets.

3. Monitor kid-friendly pizzerias.

4. Deputize Edgar Maddison Welch.

5. Infiltrate the Democratic Devil-Worship Caucus.

6. Probe possible Antifa involvement.

7. Take the FBI off the Jan. 6 investigation and put it on the Satanic Pedophile Democrats case.

8. Heed Q.

9. Persecute progressive pundits who pooh-pooh this pernicious pedophile plague.

10. Dig up Central Park.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Satire: How to stop pedophile Democrats in 10 easy steps.

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