Trader Joe’s Holiday Cookies, and the (Long) Year in Review

It’s finally here—the end of the year! My quest to try everything new at Trader Joe’s was long, caloric, adventurous, fun, and hopefully semi-useful. (Here’s Part I, where it all began.) It was also frustrating. I went to Trader Joe’s once, sometimes twice a week, and you know what I never found? THE APPLE CIDER DONUTS. For whatever reason, there was always a lag of new stock at many New York locations, and thus, I’ll sadly be unable to review the new mini stroopwafel ice cream sandwiches today. Those look awesome. I tried three stores! The highlights of the year were definitely the zhoug sauce, pepita salsa, and cauliflower latkes. I saw a couple picking up flowers on their way to get married on one trip, and heard customers singing in the aisles on multiple occasions. Every cashier I ever encountered was kind, and psyched about at least one thing I was buying. Once I called a store to see if they had a new ice cream, and someone picked up—a HUMAN—on the FIRST RING. You can’t say that for many stores. Things I always bought when I was shopping for BA: multiple $1.49 avocados, flour tortillas, and various cheeses. My great aunt started putting in special requests for these quinoa chips she likes, and backup jars of cowboy caviar. Everyone has their thing. I can’t wait to see what’s coming in 2019—as long as it isn’t another salad kit!

Holiday Frosted Sugar Cookies, $1.99

These grocery-store frosted sugar cookies with sprinkles were some of the first things I reviewed in 2018, so it felt full circle (get it??) to have the holiday version with red and green sprinkles to end the year. These weren’t announced as “new” but I felt the need to try them, and all the holiday cookies I saw, anyway. As always, they’re amazing. It’s a soft, buttery, cake-like cookie with teeth-shattering sugar frosting. If this doesn’t make you happy, I don’t know what will. (Maybe money!?)

Twinkling Trees Sugar Coated Sugar Cookies, $3.99

I appreciate the moldy looking green needles on these harder sugar cookies. Sort of the ugly sweater of holiday cookies (more so than actual ugly sweater cookies, below). The green sprinkles are actually wonderfully crunchy, and the cookie acceptable in its plainness and extreme saltiness. We could all see eating 27 of these at a corporate holiday party, sipping spiked punch, and cringing at the boss’s year-end speech before the layoffs hit. Santa likes.

Ugly Sweater Cookie Kit, $5.99

What’s inside: Three muted frostings in bags, two packs of dry, hard cookies in sweater shapes, and a bag of holiday-themed sprinkles. We found the red frosting very watery, green was gooey. One colleague ate the frosting straight saying, “I love how it’s just sugar!” You squeeze and work slowly, but it’s tricky business! My attempt to draw a beer can on a sweater failed, but succeeded in its ugliness. Which is a nice lesson for us all.

Mini Dark Chocolate Mint Stars, $2.99

These are the best. They’re the size of a quarter (unless you get two stuck together, in which case, 50 cents) and very crunchy, meaning you end up eating them by the handful. The white dots of nonpareils (I have no idea how to say that) make them even more texturally delightful. There’s a Thin Mint vibe, but honestly, better. Because of those twinkling sprinkles! And the fact that they’re sturdier, unlike that thin cardboard quality that Thin Mints have. Santa loves.

Blue Cheese Mustard, $2.99

Thank goodness there aren’t any chunks of blue mold in here, that would’ve been freaky. Instead it’s a thick mustard with a little funk, a lot of sugar and salt, and a hint of that dry, crumbly texture of blue cheese, but just barely. This would be great with those big soft pretzels (reviewed below!), or on a roast beef sandwich. There’s tamarind syrup in there? Huh.

Bûche de Noël (Yule Log) Ice Cream, $2.99

There are people who love artificial cake flavor and those who are too real for such flights of fancy. I love the fake stuff, especially wedding cake sno-cones. YUM. This ice cream has that quality, with chocolate cake pieces, swirls of chocolate ice cream, and that’s about it. Simple, delicious. Loggy? Not so sure.

Organic Italian Artisan Striped Garganelli Pasta, $2.99

Ooo candy cane pasta! Yep, that’s the idea. Too bad the beet juice in the red dye ends up leaching out into the pasta water, turning it bright pink, and then fading off the noods. Some of my gargies unraveled like ancient scrolls released from their wax seals. They looked sun-bleached and waterlogged by the time the 15 minute cook time was up, not nearly as festive as they began, like my lip stain at the end of the holiday party.

Mint Flavored Fudge Brownie Bar, $5.99

A frozen brownie < room temperature or warm brownie. It was dense. The cold makes it lose some gooeyness. The chocolate ganache (aka FROSTING) was nice, and the crunch from the 14 total sprinkles on top was awesome in the few bites blessed with them, but we wanted more mint ice cream filling! Still, it’s hard to be mad with what is essentially a giant frozen Andes mint cake, and it looks pretty all sliced up.

Snowflake Pastry with Almond & Cocoa Filling, $5.99

Sort of a big, misshapen cinnamon roll, but the proportions are out of whack. There’s too much tasteless, kinda dry bread until you get to the sweet filling, causing uncivilized coworkers to pick and pull at it like trash can raccoons.

Butter Toffee Pretzels, $2.99

Controversial! These salty pretzels are unevenly dipped in a butter pecan-y sugar coating that’s sandy in texture, like you’d dug it out of the playground sandbox. I found this to be utterly delicious. Others noted: “This is not meant for human consumption.” You decide!

Champagne Gummy Candies, $1.99

My cashier was pumped about these. She told me when they came in, the staff ate tons of them in “back.” (Is that where all the new stuff is hiding from me?). Unfortunately my colleagues felt differently. “It tastes like champagne left out from last night’s party that you drink in the morning anyway,” said someone who’s clearly done this. They’re sweet but cloying, and too soft, according to some gummy experts. The overwhelming smell wafting from the plastic bag alone will make you feel instantly hungover.

Gluten Free Blueberry Bagels, $4.49

Gluten-full blueberry bagels are patently bad, so these had the whole world against them. The pungent dried blueberries trigger a gag reflex before you even open the bag. The texture appears bagel-like, but then crumbles in your mouth without disintegrating. It’s a feat of science, and it’s trying to kill me.

Horseradish Aioli, $2.69

Sweeeeeeeeeet. And missing that masochistic horseradish nostril-tingling burn. Pass if you prefer pain.

Double Chocolate Hot Cocoa Spoon with Mini Marshmallows, $0.99

Cute in theory but a bummer in execution. The chocolate didn’t quite melt off the flimsy black plastic hotel breakfast buffet spoon, and then the chocolate flecked off, even when I used a whisk to blend. The marshmallows were dried out like winter elbows, and they never rehydrated to full bouncy glory. Meh, it’s 99 cents.

Ginger Ultra Moisturizing Hand Cream, $4.99

A good one!!! I was worried this would be too artificial, but it’s lightly fragrant, sweet, with a hint of fresh ginger. It smells clean. The cream isn’t too thick, thin, greasy, or sticky. Honestly a solid office hand cream choice. The metal tube inside reminds me of L’Occitane. Classy, Joe!

Previously

The week of November 26

Big Soft Pretzels, $2.49/bag of 4

As advertised, these frozen pretzels are big and soft. I pre-heated an oven in the test kitchen to make these for my colleagues. While food editors around me developed recipes using digital scales and big knives, I rubbed water on some pretzels and dipped them in a plate of salt. Molly Baz stopped by to tell me, “you look uncomfortable.” Kat Boytsova informed me that the pretzels were Bavarian-style, which you can tell by the thin inner dough (to get crispy) and the slit to let steam escape at the bottom. And get this—they’re very good! Kat agrees! The dough is tender and well-salted so they don’t taste like chewy air. Must dip in the spiciest mustard and eat with beer, I don’t care what time it is.

Brussels Sprouts Sauté Kit, $4.49

Precut cruciferous vegetables really smell like farts. So opening this bag was like setting of a stink bomb on a substitute teacher. The plastic bag filled with mini plastic bags greeted me like an old frenemy—how many salad kits have I bought this year? TOO MANY. This is my favorite though. Toppings include: a bag of Parm, crushed hazelnuts, and lemon-garlic dressing, which was sickly sweet. My $5 idea: do everything the same except throw a whole lemon in there instead of dressing. Everyone knows trimming brussels is a pain in the A, so I’ll take them pre-chopped any day; the toasted hazelnuts are great; the parm shards weren’t too dried out. After a 5-minute sauté in a cast iron pan to get the brussies caramelized and crispy, a squeeze of lemon and salt was all they needed.

Caramel Cookie Crunch Gelato, $3.49

LOVE this not-Talenti! It had the texture of an airy, fluffy milkshake—maybe because it melted so fast. Vanilla was eggy and creamy. The alleged cookie crunch was Carmen Sandiego–level MIA, but I’m not about to go looking for it.

Cauliflower Pancakes, $3.99

For all of the fanatical people out there blogging about their L❤️OVE and PASSION for those gummy cauliflower gnocchi—which are terrible—there needs to be three times as many fans for these cauliflower latkes. They’re way better! Once fried on the stove for around 8 minutes, they’re crispy on the outside, and inside are like mashed potatoes with leeks, but instead of potatoes it’s cauliflower, Parmesan, and a ton of different starches. Mmm starches.

Vanilla Bean Infused Vermont Maple Syrup, $9.99

Take watery, cheap maple syrup and disguise it with a vanilla bean. This is genius. And not very good.

Crispy Quinoa Stars, $3.49

Can’t help but point out that these really look like dry cat food. And they have that musty quinoa taste and a crunchy-dense texture; I tried to mask it all with vanilla maple syrup (see above!) to no avail.

Vegan Banana Bread, $3.99

It’s easy to hate on vegans and their often dry, eggless baked goods, and anonymous internet commenters seem to make an unpaid, full-time gig of it. But I find it pretty easy to coexist. In fact this banana bread was damn good! Moist and dense, very banana-y, and uncomplicated. Some people wished it had more cinnamon, chocolate chips, yada yada, but it was a great afternoon coffee snack. The two sad walnuts on top are sad.

Pepita Salsa, $2.99

🔥🔥🔥 They did a good one! This salsa is so great. I saw the smooth, grainy texture and was very skeptical. But the heat here, the HEAT, baby! I need it! There’s mostly tomato and onion in there, and there’s bit of oily separation happening, but this salsa has got it going on. It = chipotle powder. My dipping vessel of choice: Tostitos scoops, which happened to arrive at our office on TJ day. #notsponsored but #opentoit

Soft Honey Nougat with Almonds, $3.49

Creamy and exactly what you’d expect, with a powdery coating from powdered sugar and wafer paper, which is how you wish paper tasted when you were a kid. Sweet and dissolvable, instead of like lead pencil shavings and cubby smells. My notes include “nice nougat holes” and “fancy sponge.” So...yeah.

Nutty Popcorn Trio, $6.99

This is the present your mom buys six of for all of your teachers for the holidays. It’s a tube of three plastic bags of caramel corn, and while I thought they’d be more like caramel corn and candied nut mixes, the nuts were hiding better than that trash bag full of Christmas presents in your mom’s closet. (SENSE A THEME HERE?) Great, more fuzzy socks with grippy soles. I literally never wear those any other time of year. The popcorn’s fine.

The week of October 15

Chocolate Salted Caramel Mug Mix, $1.99 (box contains 2 packets)

My first mug cake!!!! What a journey this year has been. I’ve really grown as a person. But my cakes have shrunk! Instructions: Pour a packet of cake dust into a mug, add water, and stir 20 seconds in the microwave, pause to add in two caramel candies (included), and finish for a final 20 seconds. While my cake appeared done, it was not. Beneath the cake roof was molten chocolate, all lumpy and slimy from what I suspect was insufficient mixing on my part. I resigned myself to eating the chocolate stew.

Autumnal Harvest Alfredo Sauce, $4.99

Be still my colon! This heavy cream and cheese sauce did things to me. Unspeakable things. I don’t think my body can digest dairy any more? Whatever. It’s a pumpkin and butternut squash cream sauce (plus parm and gruyere) spiced with black pepper and nutmeg. To offset the sweet with HEAT, I added chile crisp and highly recommend that move. When I went for a second serving, the sauce had begun to solidify in an orange cement around clumps of pasta. That didn’t stop me.

Brussels Sprouts Chips, $2.69

WE LIKE. These are the Bizarro World Doritos. And they’re great! Extremely dippable, hearty texture. The predominant flavor is corn, like a fresh corn tortilla. Unexpected and wonderful! You don’t taste brussels sprouts...at all, but you definitely taste garlic and onion. Suzette, my cashier, told me her three-year-old daughter loves these, but don’t dip them in the TJ roasted garlic hummus, it’s just too much. Thanks, Suzette!

Riced Cauliflower Bowl, $2.99

Too chunky!!!

Birthday Cake and Candy Corn Popcorn, $1.99

Novelty popcorn for novelty people. That’s me! The birthday cake version has a blurry brown color and a notable omission of sprinkles. Festive! Shoulda added sprinkles, Joe! Missed opportunity. Candy corn was orange and bright yellow, always a jarring color in food that isn’t bananas. I love the Rocko’s Modern Life font, too. It tasted like caramel corn between you and me and the Jack-o-lantern. Only a few people in the office could detect its real flavor. The photo team (I SEE YOU OUT THERE) ate an entire bag, but I’d planned ahead: I bought two.

Caramel Apple Flavored Granola, $3.49

WE LIKE, PT 2. This is a textural playground of fall flavors!! Check out those little pieces of dried apple rings stuck with toasted, shiny oats—delightful! The caramel apple flavor comes through like a $2 dollar bill in your trick-or-treat pillowcase. How’d that get in there? Who cares, it’s AMAZING. I’m typing on a freaking SUGAR HIGH. The package suggests adding milk and microwaving the granola, a first for me, and WHAT A GOOD IDEA. Some pieces stay crispy while the considerable amount of sugar flavors the milk. GAH SO GOOD.

Gluten Free Mac & Cheese, $3.49

Six hundred calories of gloopy gloppy goo. Gluten-free cheese soup with mushy noodles that slide about the coated cardboard container. Is this what it’s like to be gluten-free? I thought it would feel healthier. Maybe that’s what I’ll be for Halloween this year, since it’s so terrifying.

Joe Light Roast Ground Coffee, $3.99

We’re not looking for nuanced notes of Earl Grey and dulce de leche here, just like, coffee. Tastes like coffee.

Chipotle Vegetable Quesadillas, $3.49/box of 2

Instructions say to wrap in foil and then bake for 15-20 minutes, turning every 5. Obviously I turned them only once. I’m making frozen quesadillas in the OVEN, this isn’t a time for culinary nuance. Everything was not bad. The tortilla was more like a pita, thick and chewy, while the beans and corn were bound by gooey cheese. Hard to argue with that.

Ramen Soups, $1.29

You know what this is. Vague chicken powder broth with curly American Girl doll hair noodles that taste to match their price—next to nothing! Added hot sauce, ate the whole bowl, chugged a bottle of water, moved on.

Indian Fare: Tikka Vegetables or Yellow Tadka Dal, $1.99

GUEST REVIEWER!! Indianish author and BA contributing writer Priya Krishna microwaved this squishy bag of dal and sent me her notes. “Pretty glum,” she began, noting an unnecessary addition of cream, a lack of fresh spice flavor, and feeling of general disappointment. But something else caught Priya’s eye: “I’m sorry but is that PARSLEY on the front of the package????? It sure looks like it. If so, this is actual blasphemy.”

Sparkling Coconut Water with Yuzu, $3.99

A cloudy, bubbly soda that tastes like sunscreen dripped into your 7 Up. Just add vodka and you’re in business! (Or maybe out of business, depending on...your business.)

The week of October 1

Heirloom Popcorn, $1.99

The sound of a bag of packaged popcorn opening is on a frequency only zombie office workers can hear. And they come speed-walking to try handfuls of the salty-crunchy stuff. This HEIRLOOM popcorn, made with AVOCADO OIL and PINK SALT, might as well be served with a carafe, it’s so thirsty. We get it! You’re made with buzzwords! The tinier-than-usual but not quite Pipcorn kernels are barely salty, which keeps you coming back for more. The avocado oil doesn’t taste like anything, but how does it make you feel? Righteous. “If by heirloom, they mean it tastes like something dusted off from the attic, that’s accurate,” commented a snobby colleague. It’s not that bad, but it was a funny quote so I included it here. If someone left me this in their last will and testament, I wouldn’t be mad. It’s more than anyone else has.

Spiced Pumpkin Madeleine Cookies, $2.99

Nice spice, Joe! Not fake tasting, no overpowering clove, but just a touch of cinnamon. As a madeleine enthusiast and owner of the specialty pan that only makes one thing, I noticed that these don’t have the puffy potbelly that freshly baked cakes, and my cat, do. Whatever! These are moist (so much so that they sort of stuck to each other in the bag) and tender, and they won over the pumpkin haters in the office. Dip it in your coffee, be happy! I’m not stopping you.

Thai Tea Mini Mochi, $3.49

There’s something eerily fleshy about the color and texture of these mochi, made with coconut milk instead of the traditional sweetened condensed milk. The overly bitter black tea-flavored ice cream within has that icy, dairy-free quality that I imagine it would taste like to lick the walls of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Once left out for longer than 10 minutes, these begin to melt and their rice flour skin detaches from the ice cream, leaving a woefully 💩 blob stuck to the sides of the plastic container. Uhhhh…..

Seltzers With a Splash, $2.99/4-pack

Tried the lemon-ginger, which tasted like a cold-fighting health tonic, in a good way. Suuuuper gingery. For ginger lovers only!

ABC Bars, $2.99/box of 6

Contrary to popular assumption, these are not already-been-chewed bars. Too bad! Could’ve been a nice time for Trader Joe’s to get into performance art. These cocoa powder coated chewy almond butter bars look like dirt, or the squishy black top of the parking lot where my high school marching band practiced for three hours in the hot Texas sun. (People passed out daily.) Anyway. The paste-like almond butter in the center sticks to your mouth and needs salt–bad. I prefer the peanut-date bars tested earlier this year.

Organic Shredded 3 Cheese Blend, $4.49

Sprinkle it into your mouth like a child catching snowflakes, see what happens. (They spill all over your floor, the cat comes running.) Each individual shred has the sort of rough but pliable texture of...plastic, I guess. It melts beautifully into a grilled cheese offering the nuanced flavors of not one, but three different cheeses. What are they? I don’t know and don’t really care. It’s cheese.

Black Licorice Treads, $2.49

GUEST REVIEWER! Healthyish editor and black licorice fan Amanda Shapiro. “It's sweeter and less salty than the intense stuff I'm normally into,” she told me, showing off. It tastes like the interior of Good & Plenty, she noted, with the texture of a fruit roll-up, while fun to tear like string cheese. That’s a lot of metaphors, but you get it.

Organic Caesar Salad Kit, $3.99

Gloopy!

Ready To Drink Cold Brew Coffee, $4.99 for 32 oz.

Because it was cold and rainy on the day I tasted this—I heated it up. Yep. So what? It’s smooth and medium-bodied (unlike the chest-hair sprouting tar water of some bottled cold brews) with notes of Hershey’s milk chocolate.

Carrot Cake Spread, $2.99

I love this in theory, which is the same reason I never learned French. The idea is, you spread this on top of a cinnamon raisin and cream cheese bagel, swirl it into oatmeal, or “eat it with a spoon,” which is what I did. And what’s it like? A sugar paste dotted with little crunchy bits of DRIED CARROT. LE HUH? The texture of the astronaut space food carrots was of chia seeds, if they were twice as large and not softened. A distinct knobby crunch you can’t shake. Is there pineapple in carrot cake? It’s present here, like a cell phone going off at the ballet. Some people might enjoy this.

Organic Yellow Lentil & Brown Rice Spaghetti, $2.99

A long time ago, rocks in chair on porch, I realized that if I’m going to eat pasta, it’s going to be regular-ass pasta. This bean business, which has the flaxen hue and stick-like texture of scarecrow hair, is too far a cry from the original. It never quite reaches the chewy, silky texture of your usual spaghetti. If you’re gluten-free, I’d recommend a bag of Trader Joe’s brown Basmati rice.

Thailand Mae Kah Jan Chiang Rai Small Lot Coffee, $8.99/12 oz. bag

This had a surprising (and near transparent) light body, considering most TJ coffee tastes like too-strong hotel room coffee and that the packaging said...bold.

Old Fashioned Waffle Cones, $2.49/box of 12

Really proud of Joe for keeping all of these intact in their foam packaging. I loved the near-burnt toast flavor and appreciate the sturdy structural integrity. Imagine this: Cone. Insert single jumbo marshmallow at the bottom. Squirt a spiral of caramel sauce on cone interior. Insert one scoop of ice cream. Add layer of crushed potato chips. Top with second scoop of ice cream. Repeat until overfloweth.

Uncured Ham & Swiss Cheese Flaky Croissant Dough Squares, $4.99

There’s a sort of Humpty Dumpty quality to this product. Each individual dough boy, a soft rectangle of pre-cut puff pastry, comes in a plastic bag where cheese and tiny ham cubes have scattered about. Once you put all back together again, you throw it in the oven until the dough is golden and cheese melted. In that time I googled “uncured ham” and contrary to my assumptions of something special, it just means plain, unbrined/smoked/yummy. I guess “plain ham squares” wasn’t on the table, but it was, I’d still eat them. A serving is “one,” so I demolished three, leaving fond greasy memories all over my laptop keyboard.

The Week of August 23:

Cold Brew Coffee Bags, $5.99

Barista Joe makes homemade cold brew one step easier by putting the grounds into palm-sized tea bags that you steep overnight. These little bean bag chairs means all of that fuss where you strain the grounds yourself is taken out of the equation, the convenience level of Velcro shoes. And I love Velcro! The coffee is strong as hell, without the bitterness of hot-brewed TJ coffee. Note: there are only four bags in each package and they recommend two bags per pitcher. Does math for the first time in ten years. Not sure if this adds up to a good deal. But bean bags!!!

Organic Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Strips, $6.99/pound

Chicken is cut for you.

Asiago Cheese, $7.99/pound

Remember how revolutionary the asiago bagels at Einstein Bros. Bagels were? Imagine my shock and disappointment when I moved to New York only to discover they didn’t pre-melt cheese on their bagels. Slightly nutty asiago—Parmesan’s more mellow cousin—has slowly grown in popularity in the past decade, and here it is all by itself in a slightly greasy wedge that I grated into malfatti (great idea). The crumbly, near-rubbery texture means I’ll pass on it for cheese plates; it’s a shredder all the way.

Cheese Party Tray, $5.49

Speaking of cheese plates I’ll pass on, this party tray contains shingled rectangles of swiss, cheddar, pepper jack, and colby jack. Those are SANDWICH cheeses, not party cheeses, JOE. Where’s the GD triple creme?! As they sat out in the black plastic tray fit for a party in a car dealership break room, a sheer layer of cheese sweat formed, which gave each slice a hardened edge. Not unlike someone who’s been reviewing Trader Joe’s products for eight months.

Mini Sheet Cakes $4.49

Ooooh cake! Someone DMed me on Instagram that they loved the Chantilly Cream Vanilla Bean sheet cake so much that they tracked down the original bakery and commissioned them to make a larger version for their wedding. Isn’t that incredible?! And I can see why: the charmingly off-center frosting is sweet and buttery with flecks of real vanilla, while the moist cake is lightly spiced. Which reminds me! I also forgot to tell you guys that I recently saw a happy couple on their wedding day, making a Trader Joe’s stop en route to City Hall. Suit, wedding dress, the whole thing!! They were walking down the (TJ’s) aisle with a bouquet of flowers, beaming with happiness. Everyone in the checkout line wished them congratulations. It was a special moment—for this hardened piece of cheese in particular.

Skip the Dark Chocolate Ganache, unless you have a whole gallon of milk at the ready to wash it down.

Organic Mediterranean Style Salad Kit, $3.99

There’s nothing like the smell of raw, chopped broccoli unleashed from its plastic bag. My notes read: “farty.” Hey, that’s what they say, I can’t sugar coat it. Or can I? The gloopy sweet red wine vinegar dressing certainly will. This salad kit, like all the others, spawns more plastic bags right as you cut upon the next one. One’s got the dressing, another some shoe leather pieces of sundried tomato, one for crunchy things, one for feta cheese. Despite all of the arts and crafts, I liked the shredded radicchio and romaine confetti, which I’d eat over raw kale any day of the week. I doctored it up with black olives and made a lunch of half the bag.

Neapolitan Joe-Joe’s, $2.99

Extreme artificial strawberry ice cream flavor overwhelms any hope for equilibrium in these ambitious tri-colored not-Oreo cookies. What I mean is: hella strawberry. I watched my colleague Emily Schultz dissect a Joe-Joe, using the vanilla cookie to scrape the cement-like strawberry creme filling off the chocolate cookie, which she licked off like Fun Dip. WHO RAISED YOU, EMILY? Others took a whiff and walked away. I ate four in a row. You either do, or you don’t.

BBQ Seasoned Spatchcocked Chicken, $3.99/pound

“That’s obscene,” Andy Baraghani said when he saw the spatchcocked chicken about to be photographed, limbs splayed open for the world to see. However, it’s a genius selling point—an intimidating-seeming way to cook whole chicken (here’s how to do it at home, backbone removed and wings tucked under for even, crispy-skinned grilling. Or roasting–I cooked it in the oven on a cast-iron. If only they sold plain spatchcocked chickens instead of the pre-seasoned ones (there’s also lemon-rosemary), because it tasted like barbecue potato chips, heavy on the maple syrup and paprika.

Organic Hemp Seed Bars, $2.99

Healthyish editor Amanda Shapiro chimed in with her professional opinion on these bars, which are “chewy but not too chewy,” and “taste like nothing.” There ya have it, folks. The agave sweetener is subtle; the only flavor you really taste are the shriveled little bites of freeze-dried blueberry.

Simpler Wines Chardonnay Too Uncanny. $2.99

Hold onto your velour beach visors! Because Chardonnay joins the lineup of canned TJ rosé this summer. The aroma of green apple shampoo paired well with the ice cube I added. There are notes of who-cares-it’s-canned-wine, and papaya-I-think? (Marissa Ross, am I doing this right?) It’s a slightly acidic, not buttery, Chardonnay that I wouldn’t mind stashing in my bag to take to the movies.

Read more: All of the New Products at Trader Joe’s in 2018, Part 1

We’re on a hare-brained mission to try every new product at TJ’s in 2018. Here’s what came out from January-July.