Trans OSU student: 'I urge you to defend the young people of our state'

Mica Macrae Edmiston was born in Ohio, and although they’ve lived in several other places, they keep coming back. They are currently a PhD student at The Ohio State University and (despite the deep concern they feel over recent political trends) they don’t intend to leave any time soon.

The Ohio House of Representatives will soon vote on House Bill 454, the so-called Save Adolescents from Experimentation Act.

Although recently amended due to public outcry, this bill would still essentially bar trans youth from receiving the care they need. It would also force school staff to report any (ill-defined) “evidence” of gender nonconformity to parents.

Given how many trans youth live in unsafe home environments, this would both create situations of abuse and effectively stifle any constructive conversation about gender in schools.

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I am trans, and I am angry. I am afraid. I am also happier than I have ever been.

I did not come out to myself until earlier this year.

I had been trying to understand and articulate my feelings around gender for a long time, but had denied the possibility that I could ever be trans. I lived most of my life in a haze of dissociation, depression, discomfort, and dislike of myself for reasons I couldn’t articulate.

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I’m 32, and when I was growing up, there was next to no representation of trans people. There was precious little apparent support.

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But that didn’t stop me from being trans.

It just meant that I had no models for my experience. This problem was exacerbated by the fact that I also understand myself as non-binary: an experience which has always existed but certainly wasn’t being visibly represented twenty years ago.

So, what few stories were out there didn’t seem to fit me. And because of the lack of support and awareness, if I had come out during my youth, it would have been exponentially harder to walk in the world as myself.

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And yet, part of me mourns the adolescence I never had. Even though it would have been brutally difficult, I mourn the me I could have been if I’d only known.

I wish that I’d had the resources, the words and stories I needed to reflect and make sense of my own experience. I did at least have the blessing of space opened by family and friends with whom I could have conversations about gender and who had no problem with me exploring mine, even if I didn’t know why wearing skirts made me feel so good.

If I had been in a school or a home in which strict gender norms were enforced, the pain and confusion I endured would only have increased.

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Even now I doubt myself, sometimes.

I was not “convinced” I was trans. Indeed, I tried for a long time to convince myself that I wasn’t!

When there are so many people saying that you are delusional, confused, even sick, it’s easy to second-guess yourself. But it’s not something that anyone talked me into, or that anyone can be talked out of. It is a truth that grows up like tenacious and beautiful flowers so intent on life that they will push their way through the tiniest cracks in the concrete of denial, repression, and ignorance.

Trans kids are not being convinced or coerced. Their only confusion is the kind this bill perpetuates by stifling conversation.

House Bill 454 does not protect young people.

It attempts to criminalize our most intimate identities. It bullies teachers and young people into silence. It attacks free speech and open discourse.

It seeks to undermine the validity of the only thing we are each an ultimate authority on: our lived experience.

We all want kids to be happy, healthy, and safe. So instead of suppressing informed conversations and the attempts of youth to articulate and embody who they are, we need to support them with necessary resources.

We need places for them to have those conversations with people they can trust. We need to give people the space to grow and unfold into their truest selves.

I am trans and happier than I have ever been. I am also angry, and afraid. But that doesn’t diminish the joy I feel at finally being able to discover who I am and show up in the world as myself. Denial of the right to walk through life as your true self is painful beyond words. Seeing yourself clearly and being seen in turn by people who celebrate you is joyful beyond measure.

I urge you to defend the young people of our state. Listen to them. And let them grow. Tell your representatives to vote no.

Mica Macrae Edmiston was born in Ohio, and although they’ve lived in several other places, they keep coming back. They are currently a PhD student at The Ohio State University and (despite the deep concern they feel over recent political trends) they don’t intend to leave any time soon.

This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: What is House Bill 454 and how will it impact trans youth, Mica Edmiston