Trick-or-treating MUST happen on Oct. 31, and six other rules from the King of Halloween

Rex Huppke, USA TODAY
·6 min read

It has become abundantly clear America needs a refresher course on the hard-and-fast rules of Halloween because, if I’m being honest, things have been kind of a mess out there.

This year I saw outdoor Halloween decorations going up BEFORE Oct. 1. And I’ve repeatedly spotted premature costume wearing at schools and office events.

As we ease into what some mistakenly call “Halloween Weekend” … hang on, let me address that annoying problem first. It’s not a weekend, folks. It’s one night.

It's All Hallows EVE, not All Hallows Long Weekend!!

“Halloween” started as a Celtic pagan festival called Samhain, then it got co-opted by Catholics who called it “All Hallows Eve.” By the 16th century, it had been condensed to “Hallowe’en,” then the apostrophe was dropped and it became Halloween. The key point here is this: EVE! This ain’t some weekendlong pagan jamboree. It’s one night, no further questions.

Before I get into my Seven Inviolable Rules of Halloween, I’m sure some of you are asking, “Who the heck is this guy and why is he telling me how to celebrate Halloween weekend?”

I'm the King of Halloween, and these are my rules

First of all, a hex on all your spring crops for saying “Halloween weekend.” Second, I’m more than happy to share my Halloween bona fides and explain why I consider myself the supreme arbiter of proper Halloween traditions and behavior.

Trick-or-treaters seeking candy in exchange for being cute.
Trick-or-treaters seeking candy in exchange for being cute.

I come from a long line of intense candy enthusiasts. My father loved candy so much, and this is true, when a trick-or-treater he gauged too old to be trick-or-treating came to the door, he would put his hand in the costumed scofflaw’s bag as if dropping a treat, flick the side of the bags with his finger so it sounded like something dropped in and then grab a piece of candy out of the bag, saving it to later devour himself.

A candy enthusiast's declaration: Candy corn was already an abomination. Then they made it hot-dog flavored.

Now THAT’S a Halloween traditionalist, and his blood is my blood, ergo … I’m the King of Halloween.

The birthright, and the barfing skeleton

Also, my front-yard Halloween decor features a barfing skeleton that I built myself using a plastic skull, a couple two-by-fours, an old fountain pump, some plastic tubing, a water bucket and bright-green food coloring. Does your front-yard Halloween decor feature a homemade barfing skeleton? Of course not. GET ON MY LEVEL, PEOPLE!!

The author's barfing skeleton, which earned him the (self-declared) title King of Halloween.
The author's barfing skeleton, which earned him the (self-declared) title King of Halloween.

Anyway, onto the rules, which we need now more than ever as it seems America is coming apart at the seams. Remember, without strict and highly judgmental rules, holidays descend into chaos, and that does a disservice to everyone, but mainly me, since I wrote the rules.

Seven Halloween Rules that will save America

Here goes:

►Halloween MUST be celebrated on the evening of Oct. 31. Any attempts by BIG LOCAL GOVERNMENT to move trick-or-treating hours to a weekend night because it’s “better for the children” should be met with a swift toilet-paper attack on the city or village hall. If the pagan-copying Catholics didn’t want it to be on an eve, they would’ve called it “All Hallows Friday Or Saturday, Whichever Works Best, Maybe Ask the School Board if There’s a Preference, Eve.”

►Packs of pretzels, even if the packaging includes Halloween-related iconography, are not an acceptable “treat” and will, in all cases, result in a “trick” commensurate to the collective anger of all trick-or-treaters. (This rule technically applies to marshmallow “circus peanuts” and to anyone who hands out juice boxes, but it’s so obvious those things are against the rules that they don’t require their own rules.)

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Don't worry, your skeleton is a perfect size

►Inflatable Halloween decorations should be banned like asbestos. They’re far too cutesy for a night devoted to terror and frights, and they threaten to inject whimsy into an utterly nonwhimsical holiday. (Some exceptions can be made for large inflatable phantoms. Those are pretty creepy.)

A home decorated in clear violation of Halloween Rule No. 3, no inflatable decorations.
A home decorated in clear violation of Halloween Rule No. 3, no inflatable decorations.

►It’s OK to be impressed by your neighbor’s 12-foot-tall skeleton decoration, but remember you can get the same level of fright with an average 5-foot-tall skeleton, as long as you know how to use it right. Your skeleton decoration is just fine, Hank.

Fall decorations have gone too far: America's gourd addiction: Why President Biden must mandate a one-gourd-per-household rule

Masks on, kids. To live is to suffer.

►NO trick-or-treating with a mask off. It’s all too common these days to see babies, toddlers and other small-ish children wearing the clothing part of their costume but walking (or toddling or being carried) with their mask off, presumably because it’s “too hot” or “too itchy.” Well, waaa-waaa-waaa, kid. Guess what? Life is an endless string of discomforts and frustrations, and the sooner you get used to that, the better off you’ll be. You want some of this free candy? Put that mask on your face and act like a grown-up dressed as Thomas the Tank Engine!

Halloween safety guide: Illustrated tips for parents and trick-or-treaters

Trick-or-treaters who technically should be wearing costume masks, but we'll allow it because we're forgiving.
Trick-or-treaters who technically should be wearing costume masks, but we'll allow it because we're forgiving.

►Anyone who reaches into a candy bag, flicks the side and then steals a piece of an older teenager’s candy has been possessed by the spirit of my late father and is legally obligated, per these unbreakable rules, to contact me immediately. I really want to give him a high-five.

That fun-size candy bar represents so much more

Halloween decorations helps a Florida man to overcome fear of clowns
Halloween decorations helps a Florida man to overcome fear of clowns

►The transfer of delicious candy from adults to costumed children is a time-honored tradition that should be treated with appropriate reverence. Whether by word or by thought, the child receiving the candy must appreciate the Snickers or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or Skittles as not simply a thing to eat, but as a symbol of all the Halloweens that have come before. Teach them, parents, that what they hold in their small hands is not just “a Twix mini.” It is ALL the Twix minis. Once you have taught them that, you may reward yourself by eating the Twix mini. They’ll have to learn about taxes sooner or later anyway.

More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

Lizzo plays James Madison's crystal flute while racists play dog whistles.

Sen. Lindsey Graham mansplains abortion ban: 'I picked 15 weeks.' Got it, ladies?

What Trump and his wannabes did in one weekend should scare us all.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trick or treat 2022 must be Halloween night, and more holiday rules