‘Twas the Night before a Florida Christmas | Commentary
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land,
Leaves and snow started falling, yet Florida saw sand.
The holidays down here are always distinct.
While others try turkey, we have Gulf shrimp so pink.
Our children still nestle all snug in their beds,
But forget winter PJs, they need A/C instead.
Here, Ma has her tennis and Pa pickleball,
While northerners deal with ice and snowfall.
Out on our lawns, where others put sleds,
We put light-up flamingos and gators instead.
To early-bird specials, we fly like a flash.
To happy hours aplenty, we eagerly dash.
The moon on the breast of the palm trees up high,
Lights up heavens above where rocket ships fly.
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But spaceships from Elon and Bezos quite near.
Our little old drivers aren’t lively or quick,
Except for down in Miami where the speed makes you sick.
More rapid than eagles, the cars there fly by,
Grip the wheel for dear life, hope your drawers will stay dry.
On, Ferraris! On, Boxsters! Now souped-up Miatas!
Hope your car isn’t hit like a birthday pinata.
Seek shelter in rest stops where things are less batty,
Where tourists grab armloads of coconut patties.
High-speed traffic aside, things are slower down here.
We like sunrise and sunsets, big birds and small deer.
People seek out our state when they want to retire,
Forget 9-to-5, we like casual attire.
Still, not all things here are low-key and lazy.
Our politics lately have turned quite crazy.
We used to debate things like rail vs. freeways.
Now headlines include discussions of three-ways.
As dry palm fronds fall after hurricanes fly,
We tally our losses rained down from the sky.
Our insurance rates soar, higher and higher,
With quite little help for lowly homebuyers.
Yet, then in a twinkling, on redone new roofs,
Insurance adjusters spy reindeer with hooves.
“It’s Santa!” we say. “Down the chimney he’ll bound!”
Until Santa responds: “There’s no chimney around.”
“That’s right,” we recall as we start to remember,
Hearths are unneeded when it’s 80 degrees in December.
“But Santa,” we say, “we’d still like our toys.”
Then Santa responds: “Were you good girls and boys?”
Our eyes start to twinkle, thinking of naughty and nice.
OK, some in The Villages tried to vote twice.
But mostly, we say, we tried not to grouse.
Santa quips back: “Didn’t you fight Mickey Mouse?”
Well, on that one, we say, some of us chose to dissent.
And what theme park, we ask, needs its own government?
Santa laughs in response, saying it seems kind of tricky,
To claim moral high ground while waging war with Mickey.
He had a fair point, that jolly old elf.
Plus, he’d come here with gifts to load up our shelves.
Full of novels and stories and tales he had planned,
‘Til he learned that, in Florida, most books were now banned.
Still, he dropped off some gifts, things Floridians need,
Like park passes, flip flops and now-legal weed.
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
He applied SPF 50 before the sun rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, filled with sweet candy canes.
Toward Interstate 4 with its new express lanes.
And we heard him exclaim as he took off in a blast:
Happy Christmas to all! Boy, I need an E-Pass.
