UFOs in Florida? Not in a state that sells alien abduction insurance
Editor's note: this article was originally published in August 2023.
There’s been a significant cheapening of the word “whistleblower” lately.
And I’m not just talking about the Hunter Biden “whistleblower” who turned out to be a serial-lying fugitive Chinese spy indicted for illegal arms dealing with Iran.
We’ve got a new and improved “whisteblower” these days, one who reaches far beyond the mysteries of a magical laptop computer to blow the lid off an alleged government conspiracy so vast that it extends to the depths of the universe.
Think of it as the “Deep State” going “Deep Space.”
The U.S. House took time away from its budget-funding paralysis for a pre-recess day of entertaining themselves with the testimony of a former military intelligence officer allegedly blowing the whistle on a secret program to reverse engineer a non-human spacecraft in the possession of the U.S. government.
I’m skeptical that there’s any merit to this trail of hearsay testimony about non-human biological matter in our possession.
And here’s why. Too much of this alien-visitation nonsense is predicated on the belief that there’s a superior life form out there that is both intelligent enough to get to Earth yet foolish enough to stop in Florida when it does.
Florida is awash in sightings of UFOs, which are now called UAPs — unidentified anomalous phenomena. That alone should sound the baloney siren.
Florida plays a starring role in The National UFO Reporting Center, which is a crowd-sourced depository of people reporting strange objects in the sky.
There are 8,090 reports of UFO’s in Florida, way more than any other state except for California. Floridians made 17 reports to the UFO center last month alone.
Here’s a sample from Leesburg on July 28: “A big bright orange reddish ball / orb was hovering in the sky at close range for about 45 seconds to a minute and it disappeared.”
Could the space aliens be focusing on Florida because they know that if they abduct us we would consider it a fortunate opportunity to parlay our enslavement into valuable employment skills?
Florida also seems way too prepared for this. It’s almost as if we’re looking forward to being probed.
After all, Florida is the only state that has a company that sells alien abduction insurance. Mike St. Lawrence, 75, has been operating The Alien Abduction & Casualty Insurance Company out of his home in Altamonte Springs since 1987.
The St. Lawrence Agency offers alien abductees who are later returned to Earth an insurance policy worth $10 million, payable at $1 per year for 10 million years.
“It’s like the lottery and Publisher’s Clearinghouse,” he told me. “You’ve got to read the fine print.”
The policy includes medical coverage for outpatient psychiatric care, something called “sarcasm insurance,” and double indemnity if the aliens insist on conjugal visits or refer to the abductee as “the other white meat.”
The tricky part of getting the policy to pay off is that the abductee must get a signature from an “authorized onboard alien” before being released.
St. Lawrence said he keeps selling the $19.99 policies, and that 95 percent of his customers buy it as a gag gift for a friend.
“It’s something they frame and hang in their bathroom for 30 years,” he said.
St. Lawrence said that since he has been in the alien insurance business, his opinion on the subject has changed.
“I started out as a smart aleck but then I started talking to people who had an experience with them,” he said.
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I would think that if space aliens have come to Florida we’d have a lot more evidence of them than the sketchy reports coming from observers.
Not necessarily so, said St. Lawrence. The aliens are smart enough to know they’d better keep a low profile here.
“They don’t want to walk into a bar and get shot,” he said.
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But I wouldn’t worry about it. The way I see it, in the extremely unlikely event that space travelers arrive, Florida’s not going to be on their flight plan.
Top 10 reasons why space aliens won’t come to Florida:
Policies making life tougher for trans-galactic community.
Toxic green algae makes crew members homesick.
Sky-high rentals.
Bad reception expected due to state leaders who are elected by stoking fear of "aliens."
Afraid of being asked to hide boxes from Mar-a-Lago storage room on spaceship.
Stupefied populous strangely obsessed with “searching for my lost shaker of salt.”
Canadian snowbirds clogging available public pickleball courts.
State already claimed by rival galactic warlord, Rick Scott.
Love bugs can really do a number on a spacecraft’s intake manifold.
State lacks a “hover your ground” ray-gun law.
Palm Beach Post columnist Frank Cerabino is part of the USA TODAY Florida Network.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Florida host to tourists -- but what about UFO alien sightings?
