Updating 'Abilene rules for the road'
When I was writing a column for the Reporter-News back a few years - oh, about 30 - I checked in once about how we drive in Abilene. I think I called it "Abilene rules for the road."
It was so well-received I even did a Part 2. Which tells you something about our local driving habits.
I don't remember all of them, but one was that it was illegal to drive faster than 20 mph on South Seventh Street.
And, if your dog was riding in the back of your pickup, it must, by law, wear a bandanna.
Do we still put bandannas around dogs' necks?
Being a volunteer deputy on road patrol on our streets, which are much bumpier than they were 30 years ago, I feel it's time to update our local driving rules. Much to my wife's chagrin. She still rolls her eyes when I give someone The Stare, which can be effective and not as rude as the finger.
Folks, I am seeing more fingers. Either that, or Cowboys fans still believe their team is No. 1.
The Stare can be upgraded to The Glare, if the other driver is a complete bonehead. It seems that is a rising demographic among our drivers.
It's getting crazy on our streets and highways. Aggressive and distracted driving is up, and following the rules and being courteous is down.
Those postings along the road with two numbers now are considered "speed suggestion" signs.
Sammy Hagar recently re-recorded his hit song, retitling it "I Can't Drive 75."
In October, I was collateral damage in road rage. While a mad driver was looking left at someone else, she turned right. My pickup was in the way. Not only was I hit, the driver sped off.
As we continue on our journeys to equality, let me tell you this: It's not just guys out there who are creating mayhem. (Did you ever consider that Allstate's Mr. Mayhem is married?)
Want to survive Abilene streets? You need to know these local rules:
It remains legal to drive the wrong way on one-way streets downtown. This includes Bird scooters.
It's OK to cross from the right lane into an open parking slot on the left side of the street downtown. If there is a car in the left lane, it's their responsibility to avoid a collision.
Long drive-up line for chicken or coffee? No worries. Being No. 13 in line in the street, blocking traffic, will not result in a traffic ticket.
There are no set rules for drive-up window lanes. If you can wedge between cars already in line, go for it. Happy hour is ticking away.
Abilenians brake for green lights, accelerate for yellow lights and floor it for red lights.
Which is why people brake for green lights.
Pedestrians crossing the street with the "don't walk" icon blazing should be prepared to leap aside. This is called "Abilene Frogger."
Man up and hit a pothole. Don't be a wuss and avoid it!
If you drive a small car, or even a pickup towing a flatbed trailer full of lawn-mowing equipment, it is OK to dart. "Dart" is turning in front of traffic bearing down on you, just clearing the lane. If the approaching driver honks the horn, flipping them off is an option.
It is legal here to turn without using a turn signal. Because of supply chain issues, not all new vehicles are equipped with those. So just turn. The other drivers do not have to know your intentions, only you.
It's OK to drive freeway speeds on access roads, since access to freeways is limited.
It's OK to drive NASCAR speeds on freeways, if you ever get to the entry ramp.
If you're planning to turn on a green arrow, it's OK to follow the car ahead of you even after it's red. This is called "auto momentum," and those coming at you must wait until everyone clears the intersection.
Or risk getting flipped.
Abilene drivers are allowed to cross railroad tracks when the gates are down. It's up to the driver to determine if his or her vehicle can squeeze through. Please pay attention to not hitting the blinking posts; do not be tempted to see if a train is coming.
There are no driving rules in parking lots. You can go as fast or slow as you want. It doesn't matter if all the parked cars are slanted facing you, just drive against the flow. Salmon do it. You can cut across empty spaces; it's the responsibility of the driver in a marked lane to look out for you.
If you drive a car that costs more than $50K, you can take up to four parking spaces to protect your ride.
A badge of honor is driving your teeny tiny car downtown on weekends or after work just to rev your itty bitty engine, making it echo off the buildings. Cool!
Another badge of honor is drowning the vehicle going the other way at flooded intersections. Seeing them try to roll up a window or whip the windshield wipers into warp speed is hi-larious.
When a hard rain falls in Abilene, it's the duty of at least one person to drive into a flooded underpass. We have to see if today's cars can handle water over the hood. Until we're sure, we have to keep testing.
You must wait for the driver ahead of you to finish a cellphone conversation or a text at a stoplight before driving. After all, he or she is obeying the law that states "Don't text and drive."
Honk to hurry them, and you'll get the finger.
It is legal for eastbound drivers to turn left from South First Street at the Sayles intersection. Never mind bold yellow stripes on the pavement negating a turn lane. Those were painted years ago and haven't yet faded.
The speed limit zones on the Winters Freeway are confusing. Do you go 70 mph, 65 or 60, and for how long? The safest bet is to drive a consistent speed, say 90.
Driver's ed no longer is required. All you have to do is take a teenager to a local grocery store (the one with three hyphenated letters), give him or her a shopping cart and ask them to navigate the aisles. Watch out for wrong-way "drivers," the boxy carts for pick-up orders that clog the aisles, the folks on motorized carts and the thousands of people looking for what they need. It's Dallas traffic at its finest.
Throwing burning cigarettes from car windows is safer than letting one smolder in the ash tray filled with coins, breath mints or discarded lottery tickets.
Stopping at blinking red lights is optional. After all, half the time the light is not blinking, so maybe you miss it.
We are thoughtful in giving lessons about patience, especially when it takes three tries to correctly three-point park so a vehicle is facing out. The other motorist(s) watching this display of driving skill also can check text messages and find that pack of gum that fell to the floormat.
These are but a few local rules.
There will be a test.
And remember, a Trump bumper or window sticker is like a toll tag. It gets you where you want to go, and a lot faster.
This article originally appeared on Abilene Reporter-News: Updating 'Abilene rules for the road'
