Voices: Laura Anderson and Gary Lucy’s relationship decision isn’t bizarre – it’s brave

Gary Lucy and Laura Anderson have split up a day after Laura announced she was expecting baby Lucy.

The actor confirmed he was “no longer” with former Love Island star Anderson, hours after she revealed her pregnancy on Instagram. He didn’t give a reason for the breakup, but reports have claimed he is “heartbroken”. Some outlets have suggested Anderson didn’t agree with where Lucy wanted to raise the baby.

If this sounds shocking, so soon in the wake of Anderson posting: “Our hearts are full, Baby Lucy due Summer 23”, perhaps it is. But I would say this: no one knows what really goes on behind closed doors. None of us can tell whether two people in any relationship are truly happy (really happy, not just Instagram happy). And while it might be easy to jump to thoughts around a couple in a similar situation staying together for the sake of the baby (an outdated and disempowering attitude, if ever there was one), maybe we should look at the positives. In my opinion, Anderson and Lucy’s relationship decision isn’t bizarre – it’s brave.

It’s brave to exit a situation that isn’t working for you, even if there’s a baby on the way. It’s brave to communicate if you aren’t happy, or satisfied, or don’t see a romantic future together. Instead of judging them, what we should really do now is focus on the support we can give to all parents who decide to go it alone (or co-parent). What we can learn from this is that there are many different ways to describe the word “family”.

It would also be remiss if we didn’t look at the realities of parenting, starting with the obvious: children are hard work. Toddlers are demanding, and babies next level. I should know – I have twin boys. And although I do have a partner who shares the load, it’s still tough. Even from the moment you discover you are pregnant.

For those who don’t have first-hand experience, I’ll tell you: when your first baby appears, it’s never straightforward. Emotionally, physically – the sleep deprivation alone can make you feel like you’re underwater. There’s a chaotic mix of joy, love, overwhelm, terror, fatigue, overthinking – and also pain, which varies depending on how the baby decided to exit your body. It’s tough. But support systems help.

And as Anderson may well be learning, that support doesn’t need to come in the form of a live-in partner. It can be found in a variety of places. The old adage that “it takes a village to raise a child” is something I have personally – as a mother of twins – found to be true. My journey into motherhood wouldn’t have been the same without those wise people – friends, neighbours, relatives – who reassured me when I was stressed about my babies (and was sure it was because I’d failed as a mother).

They were of practical help, too: having someone to watch the baby (or babies, in my case) so you can have a shower in peace without listening out for the faintest cry; bringing over food when you’ve just managed to drag yourself and your children through the day, or just having someone to chat to and provide some nourishment for the soul.

This isn’t to say the experience is joyless. Far from it. Everything that’s worth doing has some sacrifice, and when your baby smiles or looks content, nothing else really matters. It’s a wild ride. But what we need to realise is that women are capable of incredible things. And we, as a society, should be supporting mothers however they decide to raise their children.

If they decide to bring a baby into the world without a partner (as many do through IVF and donation), then we should support that. If a relationship has broken down for any reason, we should respect that too. If someone is in a “traditional” set up with a partner at home, we still need to support them – because two parents might not be enough. We all need a village.

When I had my children, I had amazing midwives who came to see us until we were signed off. They were supportive. They were helpful. They were kind. And they dealt with the madness that was a messy house, two newborns, two tired and broken parents and two dogs. They didn’t judge. We then moved to a health visitor who wasn’t that supportive, especially when I explained I wasn’t breastfeeding. Then, and only then, I felt judged. I wasn’t supported, and I was made to feel like I’d failed my children. The “advice” wasn’t needed, required, helpful, supportive or empowering. It made me feel awful.

In the reaction to Laura Anderson’s apparent decision to go it alone, we see this unwarranted judgement once again. It’s nothing new – but it needs to stop. Whether it’s another mum judging you for not breastfeeding, a friend judging you for a relationship decision, an older relative judging you for sleep training or not sleep training, adverts shaming you for what kind of formula you use, an NCT group judging you for co-sleeping or not co-sleeping… judgement is never what is needed. Empowerment is.

We need to support women in the decisions they make for their children. We can offer advice if asked, but judging people’s choices without invitation is never OK. Let’s just have a little respect and tolerance, shall we? Have we learnt nothing from the #BeKind movement?

We are already witnessing lots of speculation around Anderson and Lucy’s relationship and their life choices. But the vast majority of people have no idea about what’s gone on between them. What we do know is that there’s a new life growing, and the best way to ensure that little person leads a happy and healthy life is by empowering its mother, showing support and kindness, and respecting the decisions that she has made.

Whether you’re stood in front of someone or you’re typing an opinion in a Facebook Group about someone’s life that you know nothing about, think about it… if they saw it, would it help them feel empowered or deflated? Maternal mental health is a huge issue, and we all have our part to play. Helping mums to feel empowered is a big step in the right direction.