Voices: What Scarlett Johansson says about relationships takes my breath away

I’ve always felt an affinity with Scarlett Johansson: we share so much in common. I mean, aside from the movie star looks, the celebrity lifestyle, the millions in the bank and the flourishing Hollywood career, you could barely tell us apart. That’s why I was unsurprised when her recent reflections on her past relationships struck a chord with me.

In Tuesday’s episode of the Goop Podcast, Johansson spoke to host Gwyneth Paltrow about her romantic relationships, both past and present. Johansson’s been married three times: first to Deadpool star Ryan Reynolds in 2008.

The couple divorced after two years and Reynolds famously went on to marry Blake Lively in 2012, becoming one half of one of social media’s most beloved celebrity couples. Unbelievably, Johansson hasn’t spoken much about her marriage to Reynolds. I say “unbelievably” because if I’d been married to Ryan Reynolds, or even seen him once from a distance, no one would ever hear the last of it (as Paltrow said to Johansson during their chat, “goals!”)

Johansson wasn’t exactly gushing about her ex-husband, but she was complimentary. When Paltrow declared that her family were fans of Reynolds, saying, “We love a good Ryan Reynolds in our house”, Johansson laughed in agreement, adding, “he’s a good guy.”

And in a world that seems rife with regular and acrimonious splits, it’s refreshing to hear someone speak positively about an ex-spouse. Then again, the joint statement the former couple released about their break-up in December 2010 was a lesson in dignified separation:

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.” A bit different to Paltrow’s infamously cringe-inducing “conscious uncoupling” from Coldplay’s Chris Martin.

Not all of us feel so positive about our previous relationships, or partners, and Johansson’s interview was a reminder for me that there’s no benefit – or dignity – in slagging off your exes.

However, it seems three times may be a charm for Scarlett. She’s been married to Colin Jost since 2020 and she thinks they’ve developed the foundations of a healthy partnership. She told Paltrow: “I knew Colin for a long time, but only kind of through work… and when we first started seeing each other, I would never have probably been ready for a relationship like the one that I have with Colin at different times in my life.

“Because I wasn’t comfortable with setting my own boundaries, and I didn’t know what I wanted or needed from somebody else.”

Johansson, then, was in her late thirties before she felt able to participate in an equal, respectful relationship. I think many of us can relate – I know I certainly can.

I’m getting married for the first time later this year. I’ll be 45 when my partner and I tie the knot. Like Johansson, it took me until my late thirties to be comfortable with a supportive, respectful relationship.

Choosing a healthy relationship with a suitable partner sounds like a no-brainer but I was torturously slow to understand the assignment. It took me a long time to think enough of myself to insist on being treated well.

In my twenties and even my early thirties, I was more worried about what men thought of me than reflecting on what I thought of them. Truly a rookie error.

Similarly to Johansson, my younger self wasn’t comfortable with setting boundaries – in fact, I didn’t even know how. That means I allowed myself to remain in dysfunctional, sometimes abusive relationships.

I could feel sad and bitter about the time, energy and opportunities I wasted on crappy relationships – maybe I should be at least a bit annoyed with myself – but I doubt I could have recognised let alone appreciated the importance of a kind and compassionate partner otherwise. At least I feel in good company with Johansson.

“I never realised, she says, ‘Oh, it’s really important for me, I need to be with a compassionate person. That’s a fundamental characteristic that has to be there… I was finally able to step back and actually respect myself enough to know what those things were and be okay with it, you know?” she added. “I think it was a life lesson.”

Yep, developing self-esteem and respect is a fundamental life lesson that Scarlett and I have only relatively recently grasped. Better late than never, though, eh? Now I just need to work on my Hollywood career…